1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

what if my roommate's gay?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by purgatory, Aug 25, 2014.

  1. purgatory

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Male
    I was assigned a random roommate at college after my parents found out my original roommate (a friend of mine) was gay (through a coming out post on Facebook--they're major stalkers) and made me change so I could "work on my heterosexual potential" and be away from "a bad influence".

    Anyway, I'm just getting to know him and...what if he's gay?

    My parents will probably end up meeting him at some point when they visit--and they'd have no way of knowing although they might make some accusations to me. So that's not the issue.

    I can't say why I have suspicions (my "gaydar" is horrible anyway) but I guess just his mannerisms. And he's super shy and quiet but I'm also curious--and feel like he might be more comfortable if he knew I was there to support him (cuz of the issues I deal with with my parents) if he has any issues because he seems troubled with something when I talk to him...

    Honestly he could just be straight and I'm an overconcerned idiot. BUT, if I were to try to find out non-awkwardly, how should I? Asking is too confrontational especially if he's in the closet and not ready. I don't want to come out to him because I don't want to make him uncomfortable--but maybe I should? If so, how? Maybe in a non-direct way I'm not sure. Thanks!
     
  2. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    is there an LGBT centre or something like that on campus? if so mention it and let on that you think it's cool or something and see his reaction.

    just my .05
     
  3. purgatory

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Male
    ooo that's a good idea there is indeed
     
  4. Holy shit. Heterosexual potential. I'm sorry. LOL that sucks. I pray that I have a gay roommate in college then we fall for each other and can quietly have relations in the middle of the night. <3 LOL
     
  5. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    dont ask him if he is gay and until you get a sense for his comfort level, i would not come out to him either. going away to school is really stressful. let him get to know you first as a person and not your sexual orientation. you do the same. you may find out that you really dislike this guy and are glad you did not share something private with him. you may find out he is just homesick and scared list most freshmen and is having a hard time adjusting to freshman year. its not like he can cry in the room with you, so he has to hold it in. just try and be a good friend. lay off the gay stuff for now.

    later after you get comfy and you think he is cool, you can let off little hints. just mention something about gayness and see how he reacts. if he bashes, then just leave the gay stuff alone. if he seems understanding, then you will have an ally. if he ignores, then youll know he is not a hater but not comfy.
     
  6. RainbowMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    "work on your heterosexual potential"? "Bad Influence"???

    I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with that, it sounds absolutely horrible. At the same time, I think that it gives you a unique position if he's dealing with similar things with his parents (and who's to say that he is or isn't).

    I would go with looking for me's advice, and perhaps mention that you're headed over to the LGBT center. That might not be explicit enough, however, since most of them would welcome straight allies as well I think. But it's at least a start.
     
  7. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    i think you need to be careful. are you out yet? are you ready to be known as the gay guy on the floor? if you're not, keep quiet. this kid could be a doucebag and out you. just feel him out first and see what you think.
     
  8. purgatory

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Male
    thanks for the advice. I think I will try to get to know him better as a person before make anything unnecessarily uncomfortable. and he's a sophomore but still could be homesick or just takes time to feel comfortable with a new roommate.

    and to be honest, I'm ready to be more out to people. I've been pretty open about it for the past year or so with my friends and probably would have been more so if my parents hadn't discouraged it, but although I still deal with a lot of internal struggle with finding a good identity, I think being more open with others would make it less of a deal for me and help me be more open about it (when my parents aren't around lol).
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This might be a little rude but... college is your time to make your own decisions, choose your own roommates, and do what *you* want to do. Unless your parents are going to go with really dick moves and threaten to revoke whatever funding/support they are providing for your college education, your choices in college should be yours... and colleges are generally extremely supportive of those choices, and of their students' autonomy. If your parents attempt to intercede any further, I'd gently have that conversation with them.

    I think spending time at the LGBT center is a great idea, and just sort of naturally let things happen in terms of how you get to know your roommate. He'll most likely tell you one way or another once you get to know him better.