I feel like I just take up too much space and I can tell no one wants me around. I feel totally useless and in the way all the time and I don't know what to do. This kid was kicked out of a lunch table because of me (only allowed 8 at a table-I made 9) and I tried staying in the bathroom the whole lunch period but I can't hear the bell from in there. I haven't felt this worthless since I first attempted suicide I just want everything to stop and to disappear. I don't blame others for not wanting me around I wish I wasn't either. It's not some deep complicated reason I want to go, I simply just hate living and taking up oxygen and food and water and space. That's not all of it but it's what I couldn't stop thinking about for the past week. I want to go to the counselor but I sound overdramatic and weird if I tell them everything. I know how the whole "the voices won't stop" thing sounds but the truth is they won't. They're not like any sort of external voices, they're all mine (at least the ones in my head anyway) and I can't make them stop. Yes that sounds stupid and weird but I can't explain it well. It's like a nonstop barrage of insults but they're all coming from me. And I definitely can't have my mom find out about all of this. I just, I don't know what to do anymore.
"It's not some deep complicated reason I want to go, I simply just hate living and taking up oxygen ..." Please, please go to your counselor and tell that person the things you have written about here. You need some real help from an actual person,that you really can't get from an online forum. It is very important that you share this with someone who will be able to help.
Someone wanted you enough to kick a kid off the lunch table so that you could stay. You do matter to somebody, and they don't think you're a waste of space. (When I was in high school, I was the kid who got booted from the lunch table.) Don't be afraid to sound overdramatic and weird. Any counselor who tells you that that's what you're doing, and doesn't take your pain seriously, is a horrible counselor. They're supposed to help people in your situation. If you find it easier to express yourself in writing, try writing them a short letter that they can read at your first visit. You could even just show them what you wrote here. Please go get help, don't bottle this up inside (it will just get worse), and please don't take your own life. Nothing you said sounds stupid, I promise. I can relate to some of it, actually. I hope this helps. I got kind of assertive because I'm worried for you
Going to a counsellor would probably be a very good, positive step to take, and I'd encourage you to do so. Telling people about how you feel, like how you did here, is a good start. EC's always here for you and you can always tell us how you feel, with no judgement from our ends. You do matter to people, even if you don't feel that you do. In the mean time, it might help if you challenge your automatic thoughts and insults towards yourself. It can be like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself you're dumb and worthless, you will start to act as if you are, even though you aren't. You might not always be successful with challenging these negative thoughts, but with time you will improve and get better at it. Have you done anything nice for yourself lately? It can be helpful to make plans so that you have something to look forward to, and it's a good practice to reward yourself because you do deserve it, even if you don't feel like it. If you want to talk to any staff member for a more one-on-one talk, feel free to do so and we'll do our best to assist. (*hug*)
Hey...I can relate to the 'inner voices' that come from yourself, putting you down. A lot of folks suffer from negative inner 'self talk' actually, so you are not alone with that. And also, counsellors are trained to listen, and to not-judge anyone for anything, they are there to listen and help and they will definitely understand! Please do let yourself talk to them, it will be fine. By the way you are not 'worthless', you have no less value that anyone else on this planet - we all have a part to play in this life, even if it's not apparent to us right away - so please take a deep breath, you definitely deserve all that oxygen, space, etc!. We are all equals... really. (*hug*)
I agree with everyone else, you need to tell your therapist, as stupid as it sounds, they are paid to listen to you and your anxieties. He/she can help you, but they can't if they don't know the full situation. I have been in your situation, it is terrifying and exhausting. I understand the "voices" and all the rest of it. I thank myself and count my blessing every single day that my attempt didn't work, I am living proof that it gets better. Less than 2 years ago I tried it, and now I am doing so much better. If you need to vent or just want a friend, message me. I don't mind, I do care, and you won't annoy me. The world can be a very lonely place. ****hugs*****
