Defeated

I'm sure a lot of you have read my previous treads, so I'll not cover all that stuff again. But my body cant handle the stress my family and my life, and I'm slowly falling apart. I have a twitch that has developed lately, I'm losing weight because I cant eat. I vomit a lot, my head is always hurting and I pass out from panic attacks at least once a day. I'm always crying or trying to but no tears come out anymore. Every day, more and more lectures about now I'm living in sin, and more and more restrictions. No money, and my business is going nowhere. And this seems stupid but, here's the latest problem. My sister next in age to me has always been someone I could talk to. She has/had a great sense of humor, and we loved watching My Little Pony together. But this past week shes become so much like my mom, and now she pretty much avoids me. And she also said shes giving up watching MLP, so I cant even watch it with anyone anymore. I am so trapped and have no where to go. No friends, no escape, and trapped in this body I hate sop much. And going to a therapist who doesn't agree with my plan to transition, and I really don't know how to cope. Everything in my body feels like it's shutting down, and my heart is acting really bad again. This life has been horrible, and I think my body is just trying to put me out of my misery. Plus, I cant sleep. And when I do, I can only dream about me being killed and tortured.

 

And of course, it got even worse today.

 

Thanks, but I really don't want to join the military. I don't want to build up muscle that I may never be able to lose. Plus I really don't want to risk fighting, I'm extremely against guns.