In the morning I left home to go to the anime convention in town (happens once in a year), I was filled with hope, happiness, anticipation, etc… Even decided to wear my new rainbow bracelet for the first time, put on sexy clothes, my best perfume, even lip gloss. Nothing was going to ruin my day, or so I thought… I went there and the second I encountered the first group of people (who happened to be cute boys), my knees started shaking and I started struggling to even walk. Well, this pretty much got worse the longer I stayed in the building the convention was in. Seriously, there were soooooooooooo many cute guys there, and more than a few triggered my gaydar… And I’m just staying there, looking at them like this weirdo… One of the guys started eying me and I was like – “omg what does he want with me, did I do something wrong, does he find my face strange”? Our eyes met and I tried my best to smile and stare back. He later actually started up a conversation asking me how I was, did I like the convention and if I had Facebook. I just literally stood there, shook my head and said, yes and no and just ran off. Never going to see him again probably… still not even sure if he actually liked me or was just inquiring because I was near the stand where he and his friends were selling anime-related stuff. Anyway, due to having only like around 900 calories of food for breakfast (usually good but not when you expect a lot of physical activity), after 8 hours on top of everything else my head started hurting like really bad… couldn’t focus. Slept less than six hours, woke up at 6 in the morning. Add to that the pain in my legs from having to stay up all the time… So I missed the “after party” (well I am missing it, should be over in an hour), was feeling heavy, sad, and overall heartbroken. I’m at home now, stuffing my face with sweets because I can afford to due to my routine (it won’t help me lose weight but I won’t get fat, I can indulge once a week). I just don’t see how anyone else can like me, when I personally don’t like myself (yes, there was this huge mirror in the building so I had a chance to look at myself on several occasions). I don’t know, maybe I was expecting more just because I made myself look pretty (or so I thought) and actually bothered to wear my rainbow bracelet… They had this thing where you could get your portrait done in an anime style so I decided to give it a try. Let’s just say that the artist struggled a lot more with my portrait than she did with the ones before me and in the end I wound up looking like a serial killer (grumpy, disappointed, filled with sadness), guess she really does know how to do her job. Anyway, at least I have something to show for all the shit I went trough. That and a few Gundam models (one of which, pre-built with articulation and… it’s very good!). A few posters a free T-Shirt that is really nice apart from the marketing logo on it, will never wear it just for that… and a very nice sculpture of Natsu from Fairy Tail. So after having all this cool stuff that I’ve wanted and hoped for, for a year now, why is it that I’m barely holding in my tears even now as I’m typing this? It wasn’t as if I was expecting to get a boyfriend or anything… well maybe I was a little but, I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad. I just feel very sad when I see someone else having fun with their friends or especially if it’s a couple… I get all jealous and angry at myself… Now that I’m home I’m imagining like a hundred different things that I could have done that would make all this better yet, when I had the opportunity I blew it. I just don't know what to do now... Summer is almost over, i feel like the little bit of social life i do have with my friends (whom i see like once a month) will also come to an end, and with that so will my chances of finding someone.
Personally I'm not experienced in the anime/ comic scene but are there no clubs for gay anime/ comic fans you can join and meet new friends with common interests and possibly meet a new lover ? You worry to much about what others think of you, I had that when I was younger now much much less but still enough to keep me in the closet. Stop stressing you're already brave enough to wear lippgloss and a rainbow bracelet, obviously you're brave so you shouldn't worry about the rest either !
Gosh how I can relate to this. Doubting, doubting, then the opportunity passes. What to do is this: there will be a 'next time': prepare for it. Practice a few lines or phrases, such as suggesting meeting for a coffee, or whatever. But I do understand the shyness. A guy seemed a bit interested in me recently but despite a few signals I still kept doubting, out of neurotic habit. I bet you did look darn pretty , now all you need for next time, is more confidence, which can be worked on, and practiced. Start with little things, like making eye contact and remaining more calm when talking with someone you like. I'm going to practice in front of the mirror a bit, I mean if we really want something, we need to push ourselves just a little to get it...and become more confident. Look, I'm the 'master of regret' when it comes to 'getting back home and going over what I could have done better'. Really, I rake myself over hot coals for every little mistake! But I think a better idea is to learn from our mistakes, not to just wallow in pain about them. There must even be books or even maybe videos on Youtube about how to get more confidence in social situations. I'm going to look some up, come to think of it, maybe it would help you as well? Hold on to hope, shinji, your dreams will be fulfilled...after all you are young and time is on your side. (In my case time isn't so much 'on my side', as 'staring me in the face' lol). Damien. (*hug*)
I was in a similar situation earlier this year when I went to MCM in london. This was my first time doing anything like this and I could have pissed myself with fear the night before the first day. It didnt help the socialising aspect when I was with my dad (First time there I felt I needed some support and none of my friends were interested). Being with my dad make me feel like a social wreck not to mention that I never did manage to pick up any YAOI . Anyway as far as the socialising aspect what I found helped me a ton was jumping in at the deep end and going full on with the Cosplay. It was amazing! For someone who hates having to spark conversations with people it was awesome that people would walk up and talk to me. The one regret I had was not using the oportinity to make anymore friends (Something I shall fix when I go again in October) I must apologise as I just realised that everything I have said doesnt really help you in anyway. Sorry (*hug*)
Somehow, these things come easy to me, dressing in skinny stuff, bracelets, lip gloss (by the way, it's this really nice lip gloss from NIVEA, makes your lips more red-pink-ish, but not too much to look like lipstick and i love it!). When it comes to interacting with another human being however, like one on one... i'm suddenly freezing, literally i can't move! Thanks for the hug . I've actually read/watched pretty much all that has to do relating to social interactions and it's pretty simple, you simply have to not "think". In practice however it's a whole other thing. I just notice even the smallest stare at me, like if someone from a crowd is watching me, i would notice them and immediately start worrying about their reasons for watching me. On the bus back home some old lady gave me this stare... i could practically tell what she was thinking "hmph... look at this guy, dressing like that, all slouched with all those bag" (was tired, and carrying bags filled with goodies). It's the eyes i guess... i just can't hold eye contact. Usually when i do people get freaked out or think that i mean them harm (remember i have a scary face...). It does help me! I've actually thought about cosplaying because this one time at a closed doors event (mask ball of sorts) i went dressed up with a full silicon mask on so no one knew who i was. My confidence skyrocketed, i was shaking hands, looking people in the eye... until some people i know (not friends) figured out who i was and made a remark on how skinny i was dressed... (had this almost like lycra - black shirt that outlined everything. Well there went my confidence and i bailed. I guess at a convention it would be easier since you don't know anyone but... i don't know, i just think i'm too old and ugly for that now Too much hassle for... not so much gain, also there is the part with having to come out on stage... doing a "show", not good with those. But you did inspire me, next year i'll deffinetly do something, even if i don't sign on for the contest. I feel somewhat better now. Going to go test-drive my new RayBan's (for refference, model is - RB3183). So i buy stuff when i feel down... i'm sure other people do it as well... they do right?:icon_sad: Maybe see a friend or something, just to forget about this day.
I am sorry to hear how shit you feel. *hugs* I sort of understand your situation, it is very frustrating and depressing when you are so annoyed with yourself, just try to be as easy on yourself as possible. Even though you probably disagree, you don't deserve it. My buddy uses a site called InterPals. There are a bunch of anime fans on there, and she uses it to meet people locally and all over the world, she has met many buddies on there who are interested in anime and they do often meet up. I used it for a little while, there is also a big LGBTQ community. It isn't a dating website, but it might help you to build your confidence enough and maybe find some good friends who you could maybe meet up with I really hope you are feeling better now.
