1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I want to die

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by artist92, Aug 31, 2014.

  1. artist92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2014
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Everything hurts. Everything is so painful, and my heart is completely dead to it all. I ruin everything in my life. I could have just kept hiding who I am. And why didn't I? I lost my boyfriend and any respect my family had for me. I was a complete idiot and ruined my dream job. No, not just a dream job, but a dream life. I would give anything to continue working for Georgia Tech, I'd even pay to do it. But like everything else, I screwed up. Thois week, I a Facebook friend of mine who is 10 years younger than me told me I was her role model, and that I'm her best friend, and the older sister she never had. But what kind of role model am I when all I do is wreck my life? Why cant she see that I am a horrible example of how to live a life and that I'm no good for her. And why cant I die? Why does nothing ever kill me? I need to die, but I just cant do it.
     
  2. Kai LD

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2014
    Messages:
    852
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    ᎮᎧᏒᏖᏝ& Ꭷ&#5074
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    (*hug*) I'm sorry and I wish there was more I could do for you than just say that... :icon_sad:
     
  3. GreenMan

    GreenMan Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm struggling to find words for you, I hope that peace and love find you.
     
    #3 GreenMan, Aug 31, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
  4. RainbowMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    I don't think that you're a horrible person, and nor does this friend of yours on Facebook it seems. I realize that things can seem like they're completely messed up and beyond any hope, but you need to realize that they're not. All of the problems that you're having right now are temporary.

    How did you mess up your job at Georgia Tech? There are other jobs out there at other universities - this isn't the only one, and perhaps this one is salvageable anyhow (not knowing the details, I'm not sure)

    How did you lose your boyfriend? I realize that the hurt and pain from a breakup is immense, but there are other guys out there. Some really great guys that would be lucky to have you as their girlfriend :slight_smile:.

    Promise me that you won't do anything, OK? You have too much going for you to rob the world of yourself at such a young age. Also, feel free to PM me (or any other staff member) at any time that you feel that you need to talk.
     
  5. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know everything seems to be falling apart, but perhaps these things are happening for a reason. Life can be unfair sometimes, but you have to make the best of it, no matter what life throws at you. I believe that some of the things that we go through in life are necessary, and in order to prove to ourselves that we're capable of making it through what seems be the impossible.

    You're a lot stronger than you think so please don't be too hard on yourself. Dying would only hurt those who love you dearly. And it may not seem like your family cares, but deep down inside I know that they do; family just has a funny way of showing how they feel sometimes.

    All you have to do now, is to change your way of thinking. I know it's hard, but take things one day at a time.

    Have you ever thought about seeking therapy?
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Aug 31, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
  6. artist92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2014
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I messed up my job because of my passion for the team. I love football, and georgia tech football is my life. We haven't done well, and I bashed the coach on a secret group on Facebook, but not thinking about it, someone told the administration about it. They took it as me not liking the team, but I was actually just so upset to see us be so mediocre. Working at other universities would be ok. But my lifelong dream was to work at GT.

    My boyfriend broke up with me once I told him I was transgender.

    I cant promise that. I will try not to do anything, but I just dont know if I can make that promise.
     
  7. Wooly

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male
    I'm sorry you feel that way. Some of us may not understand how you feel, but I guarantee all of us here on EC are here to help. I'd be willing to bet that there's a lot in your life that's worth living for, you just have to be brave enough to go and find it. You may not believe it now, but things will get better. And people don't choose role models at random. You've got something going for you, you just have to tap into it. If for no other reason, stay alive for that girl. And for us here on EC. We'll get stronger together!

    EDIT: You never know, you might find a university that you love twice as much as GT if you look hard enough. The world is your oyster. Worth a shot, at least!
     
    #7 Wooly, Aug 31, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
  8. artist92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2014
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    And to top it all off two of my only friends both told me that they will call me male. And that I am still male no matter what I say. I thought out of all people they would respect me... why does my life have to be this way?
     
  9. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,445
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Musty Mitten
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Perhaps, you should check out other universities. GT isn't the only school around, but I can imagine how it must feel losing your dream job. And you deserve a better boyfriend! He obviously was not the one for you, so don't feel too bad, especially not over someone who just ups and leave you instead of being supportive.
     
  10. RainbowMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    And how did this affect your career? I realize that saying some insensitive things about the team on a Facebook group might be seen as not liking the team, but I can also see it as passion for the team and wanting them to do better. Perhaps you could explain that to them?

    This might sound strange right now, but I assume that your boyfriend was gay and that you were out as gay before coming out as trans*? If so, I think that this shows that your boyfriend accepts you for who you are - a woman. He needs to be with a man, not a woman, and he accepts that you are a woman. I realize that it sounds strange right now, but at least try to see things from his point of view?

    Well, if you can't promise me that, then at least promise that you'll call the Trevor Lifeline (866-488-7386) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8355) before anything happens, OK?

    I realize that it makes it even harder when friends don't understand you or invalidate your experience. You're a woman to me, and I'll refer to you using female pronouns. Perhaps you can try and explain to them the body dysmorphia that trans* people experience, the fact that you are NOT male, no matter how much they might think that you are (and what anatomy you have in no way determines what gender you are).

    One of the most relevant quotes that has stuck with me is from when Laverne Cox spoke at our pride month at work - "you don't have to be female to be a real woman". She repeated that like 3 times, and it stuck and had impact. Stay strong!
     
  11. TossAWatermelon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2014
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Your friend has a great reason to look up to you, you told your boyfriend the truth about being a woman even though he was gay. It must have been hard to make that decision that was ultimately the right one for you and him. You're most certainly not worthless if you prioritize telling the truth above kissing up to get what you want, that and the GT incedent proved that.
     
  12. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi artist,

    there were times in my life, especially when I was younger, when everything seemed to be going wrong for me. I had been abused as a kid, my family were mostly giving me the cold shoulder, and I was an extremely lonely young man at the time, full of pain and without much hope. But things did eventually change. Change is inevitable, it is one of the only things we can count on. You have a wonderful future ahead of you, as the lovely woman you wish to be, but to enter into that wonderful life you have to find a way to get through your current difficulties. I seriously hated both my life and myself those many years ago I mention above, and I did even have the thought that it would have been easier if I had 'not been born', but that thought lasted for a few seconds, because although everything was crap at that time, I could not deny that things had once been better before, and therefore would also be again, one day. Obviously I stuck around to watch the show, and it's turned out much better than I expected. Yes I still struggle sometimes, but the moments of joy I have make it all worthwhile. So do not ever lose hope, always remember that you can have the life you want. It's going to take a few steps to get there, but you can achieve it. Finally, I do hope you have a counsellor to talk to about the feelings you are having...it's so important, I think. I see one regularly and could not do without it, at this time. I find it really helps me through those times when things seem to go bad - the 'down' phase of life's inevitable 'ups and downs'. (*hug*)
     
    #12 Damien, Aug 31, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2014
  13. Litveninko

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2014
    Messages:
    160
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Egypt >< another nickname of hell
    be proud of who you are. And try to move on. And that friend on FB tells you this, because she finds you an amazing woman, and want to be like you, she believes in YOU. She sees that you're capable to do anything no matter how your life is wrecked. there's other jobs that would be the same as the that Georgia tech. And for your family, let them burn. Love yourself, it's your life, make a better person of You. And believe me, if your ex claims that he loved you, he didn't. Because when you truly love someone, you dont care what they are, you love who they are for who they are. Don't kill yourself please, I feel like you, but killing won't solve anything, be strong <3 -hugs you-
     
  14. Rosepetal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2014
    Messages:
    886
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    this take this advice bc there is no solance after u have committed suicide
     
  15. SeaSalt

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom (Cornwall)
    Its from game of thrones but it works
    [​IMG]
    Dont go, We wouldnt know what to do without you!
     
  16. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Over the past month I've read about your shattered dreams, toxic home life and loss of hope and I cannot deny that it sounds truly awful for you. Nor can I deny the reality of your feelings - when life loses its sense of meaning and purpose and you come up against brick walls and blackness it is hard to hang on isn't it? Nobody can truly know or understand what the depth of that hopelessness feels like, but maybe you can try to describe it? There is definitely no shame in feeling so bad and nothing to be gained by pretending otherwise. I believe you. It's how you feel, it's very real, and actually, it's your right to feel that way. No arguments.

    What I have also seen though, is a huge swell of love and support for you on this forum -from people who don't know you in real life, but have connected with you through the many heartaches you have shared. The support has been both emotional and (at times) practical and if our love could lift you, you'd surely be in a better place right now. Amid all the devastation you are feeling I truly hope you have gained some comfort from our replies.

    Your desire to die has been consistent throughout all the messages you have shared, but I'm wondering if you really, really want to die? I don't mean that in a dismissive way, but could it be that you just don't want to live life as it is now? I'm sure you understand that there is a difference.

    How certain are you that killing youself would absolutely be the right thing to do and what would it mean to you and others if you were to be gone forever Artist?

    I said there is nothing to be gained by pretending your feelings are anything other than real, and that's true, but there is something to be gained by talking about them and sharing them. When you plunge to the depths of despair it can feel very lonely, but you have the power to break that loneliness by staying connected to people who actually care enough to be there and respond - people like us.

    RainbowMan mentioned the Suicide Prevention Lifeline in your country and I really hope you will consider calling them if you reach the point where you have definite plans and means available to you (you can call sooner though). They're not in the business of telling you what to do, think or feel, but they will offer lots of support in those moments of crisis. If you prefer the written word though, let me know and I can offer an alternative suggestion.

    I know this is real for you and I know you are not feeling strong, but I'm pleased you are talking to us about it. (*hug*)
     
  17. artist92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2014
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks, I really love you all. Even though I wish I had supports, or even a friend in the real world, I appreciate all the love and care that y'all have shown to me. Linco may have said it right, I still feel that I want to die, but I dont think I could kill myself. I think its just hating my life as it is now. Also, I want to make it clear, I do NOT blame my boyfriend. I only came out as gay, because I was scared of the reaction people would have if I said I was transgender. And I should have told him earlier. Even though it hurts, that was all my fault. ANd my job at GT was not about money, even though I was payed handsomely. It was about my absolute love for the school and team. Even if I could somehow get a similar or better job anywhere else, it is nothing compared to what I had. I could be a multi-billionaire, and it still wouldn't be the same. I cant even go on for myself, but I am for that little girl who needs me. She really looks up to me, and we both stopped cutting ourselves because of each other. I am truly honored that she sees me as her role model, but at the same time, Im so worried. I feel like I'm the worst person to look up to. Im an adult who cant support myself, who cant stabilize my mood swings, and only messes up everything. I look at her and I see so much potential, but what if I mess it up? She sends me messages asking for advise and I give it to the best of my abilities, but what if I ruin her life too? I just dont know what to think anymore
     
  18. SeaSalt

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom (Cornwall)
    You have been given an opportunity that not all of us get. You have been given the opportunity to prove to yourself that you are the wonderful person that we all know you are. You would be amazed what a good role model can do for a person and if you managed to get someone to stop self harming I think you sound perfect for the job! you can show her a kind of empathy that is so very very rare in the world today, to truly understand what someone is going through and use you experience to help them up the slippery slope that is the path to a better future. (Sorry about the silly metaphors)

    Also remember that the people who reply to your posts on EC genuinely care for your wellbeing. If any of us ever met you in real life we would probably shower you with real hugs, we arent just words on a forum, we are people who just happen to be in different parts of the world who care as if you were our own family. If I met you in real life I would give you the biggest, warmest, cuddliest hug you have ever had and give you the support your family been neglecting to give you when you need it most.