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In love with a girl engaged to a man.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by thischick7, Sep 1, 2014.

  1. thischick7

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    There is a girl that I work with who I have gradually started to fall for. We have been hanging out casually here and there, but just as friends. She is engaged to a man who has some serious health problems that have been causing a lot of strain on their relationship. At least that is the way that it seemed when she first started telling me about their relationship. The more I talk to her though, the more it seems like there are other issues causing her to be unhappy with him that have nothing to do with his health. She is bored with him because he only wants to watch TV and smoke pot. I have tried very hard to keep my feelings for her a secret; I have never tried to hit on her. Then a couple of days ago she told me that sometimes she declines my invitations to hang out because she has feelings for me and is afraid that they will grow stronger if we hang out too often. She loves her fiance as a person, but isn't attracted to him anymore. Ever since she told me about her feelings for me I have basically been going insane. It made me want her about a billion times worse than I already did. It was okay when I had my secret crush that there was no chance of ever doing anything about, but now that I know that she's into me I just want to run away with her and get married. I know it would be wrong to decieve her fiance, and it would hurt him so much, but I can't help but think that she shouldn't have to be stuck in a relationship that doesn't make her happy just because of his health. (It's not life threatening) I told her that the feeling was mutual, and left it at that. We haven't talked about it since. I feel like I am bursting at the seems, I just want to tell her that I am crazy about her, but think that I might make things even harder by doing that. What do I do????
     
  2. Queer NOS

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    This is a very sticky situation, indeed.

    You are correct that she shouldn't be stuck in a relationship that isn't fulfilling her. Health issues aside, some people simply grow apart or find that they are not truly romantically compatible with one another. I am no expert or professional on relationships, but it seems as though it would be better for her to break things off with this gentleman while he is her finance and not yet her husband, as break-ups tend to be much less messy than divorces and as the pain of losing a partner is less cutting the earlier in a relationship it is.

    That being said, one does not typically become engaged to a person unless they care very deeply for that person; thus, it may be extremely difficult for the girl to end things with her finance. Also, she will likely need some space away from the "dating scene" for a while after breaking it off with the finance to sort out her own feelings; it would probably not be best for either of you to rush into a relationship with each other (but then what do I know? I suck at human relationships! If it happens, let it happen).

    The best thing that you can do is to be patient and to continue to be a supportive, caring friend. Let her know that you acknowledge how difficult this situation is for her and let her know that you are open ears and open arms.

    I hope that everything works out for everyone involved in this situation. :slight_smile:
     
  3. thischick7

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    Thank you for the advice, and I know you are right. This just sucks so bad, because I've never met someone who I am more compatible with. We have so much in common, but I wouldn't want to do anything that would cause her more stress than she is already dealing with. Additionally I am working on getting a degree right now, and don't even have time to be distracted with this. Who knows maybe we will get this all sorted out and get together later on. For right now I just don't want to lose contact with her over this. Should I address the issue, or should I just let her come to me?
     
  4. Lexington

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    I think you've made it sort of clear. If you'd like, you can make it more so. "I don't think I want to get further involved with somebody who is tied up with somebody else", and leave it at that.

    Lex
     
  5. thischick7

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    Update,
    Turns out she has decided to leave her fiance. I never in my wildest dreams would have expected that. She is moving in with a mutal friend of ours. Now the issued I'm faced with is that I really want to date this girl, but don't want to end up as just the rebound. Also, don't want to pass up the opportunity to date such an amazing girl. Think I'm just gonna go ahead and hope for the best. Is that crazy? I've never had someone just decide they liked me, then just up and leave their fiance before. I'm not really sure of what to do.