I Just really feel the need to get some stuff out of my head at the moment. I am depressed, and i`m starting to feel my depression more and more. I am so insecure about myself and i`m terrified of what others think of me. I am actually really nervous about writing and posting this thread. I`ve been home from school two days. First day i didnt want to go and i even had a panic attack. Second day i just didn`t go there because i didnt want to and i was scared. I am starting to get stressed by all the homework and stuff we have to do. I am scared i wont be able to do all of it and that i will fall behind. I am struggling with some suicide thoughts now and then. It`s kinda a touchy theme and i don`t like talking about it or admitting it, i think this is the first place i`ve really posted it or shared it with someone else than myself. I think about death, i don`t really see much of a future in front of me. I struggle with my sexual orientation. I like girls. That`s it. I try to imagine or force myself to like guys, but i cant and i`m struggling with accepting that. I have no problem with any lgbt people what so ever, but when it`s myself it seems to be a lot harder to accept. I feel disgusted by myself, i am afraid what others will think of me if they knew. I even try to say guys are hot, and i have also, wich i`m not proud of at all, said some homophobic stuff. It`s just so that others wont suspect i`m gay. When people asked why i chose to cut my hair short i told them it was because i was tired of my long hair, and prove that you didn`t have to be lesbian to have short hair. <-- that was really important for me to mention. And that is stupid.. I cry, very often. I feel like crap. I have homework i should do atm, but i can`t motivate myself to start, and it is really stressfull. I`m not even sure if any of this makes sense, maybe it seems like nothing, or that it`s just a big mess of words. I just wanted to write down some of my feeling, and felt like i should post it. be brave and open myself. yeah...
*hugs* I can relate your to anxieties about school, though my anxiety is the such where me considering not going to class would make me panic even more (I've had self-injurious panic attacks over having to miss class). It can be very overwhelming to have all of that material and all of those assignments thrown at you all at once. If your mind allows it, try to focus on just one assignment at a time. School is a bit like building something with Legos: the castle on the front of the box may look daunting and impossible, but you have to keep stacking one piece on top of another, one brick on top of another, one brick at a time, and you eventually have yourself something very neat. I'm sorry that you're feeling so depressed and that you are having those thoughts. Suicidal thoughts absolutely suck to deal with. But you're still here. You're still here, and you're still trying. That's something to be proud of. If it helps any, remember that being gay doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't even make you a different person. You are exactly the same person that you would be if you managed to "turn straight": whether you like boys, girls, robots, turtles, whathaveyou, you are still the same you, and you are still a good person worthy of love, happiness, and life. Also, you made a good point about the fact that non-lesbian girls can also have short hair. Would it be possible to talk about any of this with your school counselor? Counselors have "seen it all"--there is nothing that you can say or reveal that would shock them or cause them to judge you in any way (though they may tell your parents if you are actively contemplating suicide, since you are under 18). If the counselors do not have the resources to help you, they may be able to refer you to someone who can. I hope that things begin to improve for you. On an unrelated note, I like your profile picture.
Yeah, i don`t think i mentioned it, but i panicked even more because i was going to miss class. I hate missing classes, not delivering assignments and such. It brings me so much guilt and stress if i dont do it. at the end of last school year i was really deep down because i had no motivation to do anything because of depression, and it made me struggle with anxiety and tons of stress because i didn`t do what i should do, if you get me. I am scared to enter and "evil sircle" like last time where i told myself i would finish everything later and i kept procastinating everything just so it made it easier to deal with all the stress it caused me. Suicidal thoughts suck, and it is hard to bring it up because i think, what reasons do i have to want to end my life? My life is amazing, so many possibilities, why can`t i be happy because of that. But it doesn`t mean i manage to handle it all, that i like it. And i don`t really like opening up about it since i feel like people wont take me serious or tell me to snap out of it because there are people that are having much worse troubles than i do. ah legos, what a wonderfull way to explain it, that is something i get. I am going to sit down and do homework after i write down this reply. I need to start finishing stuff. yeah oh and the irony. "i`m not gay and i have short hair" not too long after..."damn it, i`m gay" I am going to this place called BUP. children and youth center or something. I am going to get help with my problems and i have a psychologist/therapist to talk to. I am excited about going there because i just feel really safe there and i feel like i am being taken seriously. I just hope i manage to keep myself together long enough for the help to get to me so i don`t start sinking down again. ah thank you! I actually like your avatar a lot. It is some realy nice meaningfull words there
I'm glad that you've found the motivation that you get work done and that you plan to visit the BUP. Those are wonderful steps to take to get things moving in a better direction. I can totally understand your thoughts about suicide and how you feel that you don't have the "right" to feel that way--I'm economically well off, pampered by my parents, academically successful, possessing of many talents, usually treated very well by others, and am in great health...yet I still have suicidal thoughts. That's the thing about suicidal idealization and all that accompanies it, though--suicidal thoughts don't only happen to those who have a "reason" to feel down. These thoughts and feelings can happen to anyone in any circumstance, regardless of how "perfect" their lives are, as the psyche is prone to malfunctions (being non-heteronormative in a heteronormative world and being a student in a highly-competitive, totally overtaxing system doesn't help matters much, either). It's not your fault that you're suicidal, nor are you to be faulted for it: we're only meant to handle so much stress, and life, even if lavish, is stressful. I hope that therapy proves to bring you some comfort and healing. My avatar features the last stanza of the poem "Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening by Robert Frost; it has become one of my favorite poems.
