1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know where else to say this,

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Dast, Sep 7, 2014.

  1. Dast

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    So I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to make my thread, or to even make a thread.

    So, I have a problem. I've been struggling with it for awhile now. I was (am) attracted to a straight/gay. What I mean by that is he's a gay guy who genuinely thinks he's straight... I think. See, it's pretty complicated. I hold onto the little details from years past, but I can't help it. I guess for you to understand, I have to go back to the beginning (I hate telling this story because it makes me sound crazy, I think, even though I've never actually told anyone). To put this all in context, we're both Freshman in college now.

    YEARS AGO, I was in fifth grade, and there was this boy who sat in my group who was really nice to me and we became fast friends. It was great because I was new to the school AND the district. We became really close SCHOOL friends. You know, the kind of friends that are always together at school, and that's it. Well, fast forward to the summer before sixth grade, I couldn't wait to get back and see him. I seriously didn't realize until much later, but that August before school started back up he was all I could think about (what can I say, the attraction part of puberty was happening). However, to my great dismay, he was not in my homeroom that year. Now, I know this is silly, but I actually felt betrayed by that, as if he had asked to be put in a different class. I was so mad at him. It culminated that first day when I had to go to my afterschool program; he was in safety patrol and it was their duty to make sure we got onto the bus safely. When he saw me he was all like "Hey! It's great to see you!" and all I did was sneer and kick him in the shin. Despite that he kept smiling at me and help onto the bus. That was, literally, every school day back then. That december, the 6th graders were supposed to put on a show for Music class that I did NOT want to do, but I had to. We practiced four times in the music room and then close to twenty times in the auditorium. The first practice ONLY, I was way away from him, after that we were next to each other. Well, there was this one song we had to sing where everybody had to put their arms on each others shoulders and sway back and forth. Well, for every practice and for the actual "show" instead of putting his arm around my shoulder he put it around my waist and would tighten his grip a bit, holding on tight my my side. That was HIS left arm to my left side.

    There were several times things like this happened between us that year, but I was such a homophobe (because I was afraid that I was one. but that's later) that I always strongly rejected it. Lots of field trips were he or I would fall asleep next to each other on the bus. And he was always nice and smiley to me.

    Then we got to junior high. I decided I was gonna reconcile with him because I felt bad fir whst I had done, but I didn't see him for the first week. The next week of seventh grade he was in two of my classes. It turned out that he'd had to drop one class to join athletics which messed with his whole schedule. Now at this point, the athletics kids had taken a particular interest in me; I was their target for all their bullying and aggression, so within the course of a week I became one of those kids who hate the "jocks and the preps". So when I got to see him again, I wasn't rude per se, but I was FAR from being nice. And yet, deep inside, despite saying I was straight to everyone who asked, I knew I was gay and falling for him.

    Much of my eighth grade year went by like that, until I actually realized for sure that I was (am) gay and that I really liked him. That was when I tried being friends with him again. We didn't go back to what we once had, but we did begin to talk to each other in civil in friendly ways whenever we say each other.

    Freshman year, I'll never forget; the first day of school I didn't know where I was supposed to go, so I decided to just go straight to my class, even though it wouldn't begin for another 45 minutes (Sorry, I have a VERY detailed memory). So anyway, I had just started walking up the stairs when I noticed him, and I stopped, and then he noticed me. For about 30 seconds there we just stared at each other. That year, I had two classes with him, BUT we also had a lot of interaction via commuting through the halls. He was always so nice to me. But there was a new edge to him. He was kinda quiet around me. I thought that meant he knew about my crush on him and that he was creeped out by it, but I don't think that's it. I think he had a crush on me and didn't know it (similar to how I behaved for close to three years). That might sound crazy, but here's why I think so: There were still moments between us, but now they seemed mutual, and time felt like it slowed down for a bit and we'd just stare at each other for seemed like a long time (but was really only, like, five seconds). I also started to catch him staring at me in class when he thought I wasn't paying attention, like I had the previous year. And when I made a cake for a bio project he still ate it (even though he didn't like sweets), which I know can be seen as courtesy, but it could go both ways.

    Moving on. Sophomore year was similar. Seriously. We had two classes again, and that weird flustered young love awkwardness kept butting in. However, it kinda went wrong one day when I got on facebook and say that it said he was in a relationship with a girl. I seriously freaked out, I had a nervous breakdown (in my defense, there was a lot of other stuff going on in my life back then). I still acted nicely around him, but I was crushed. I spent that summer, 2012, trying to get over him, and I thought I had until Junior year came around.

    Junior year I found out that the girl he was "in a relationship with" was actually a friend of his who had hacked his account. But I decided it was best for me if we didn't see each other anymore. He thought otherwise (of course, he didn't know about what had happened to me). The second friday of the new school year I was waiting outside the school for a friend to come out of tutoring so we could walk to the library together. He (the guy I liked) spotted me and ran over waving. When he got to me he said, and I'll never forget, "Hey you [I'm using You to replace my name], how are you?! It's so great to see you! I'm so glad that you're here!" He was so expressive, and so happy to see me. Seriously, his eyes were twinkling. It melted the cold armor I had tried to make over my heart. And we just talked. And we continued to do that when we had time after school for another two weeks (not solid). It stopped when wrestling season started (that was his sport:icon_wink). I had tried so hard all summer, and thought that I'd been successful, in getting over him; but I was so wrong. So I went into my shell and tried convincing myself that I was over him. I even told a mutual friend of ours (lets call him T) that I was over him (this is getting confusing. Let's call the guy I liked D), that I was over D completely. A couple months later D started acting weird around me. He got kinda cold and stopped talking to me. And he became one of those stereotypical mean jocks, minus the dumb. He wouldn't even look at me. During AP testing I saw him, and he saw me, and he just walked away from the area where I was standing with our friends.

    Senior year was a bit different than all the others. D started dressing up ever day in business attire. From a full three piece suit, to a dress shirt and slacks. He looked like a gay banker (I have no better phrase), but he started hitting on girls like crazy and he dropped out of wrestling. He even started to sneer at me whenever he saw me, and he's a really freaking nice person. And when he didn't sneer he avoided (fun fact, he also blocked me on facebook... I think. I'll explain later) I sat with my girl friend (S) at lunch. Because we were each others only friends during that lunch period, and being that there was only one available table left, we (unintentionally) sat two tables behind D (well maybe in front of, because from where he was sitting he could see us). I didn't notice at first, but he would stare at me all during lunch. Fast forward, to senior prom. I was taking another friend of mine (let's call her K) because I didn't wanna go stag with my friends. When we got there I told K "Ew, there's someone here I wanna avoid" and she said "Crap, you too!?" Turns out D had practically sexually assaulted her at the homecoming dance. We then began a dance, one of us avoiding him and him avoiding us, while he and I also tried really hard to keep track of each other. Seriously, that's how we spent most of prom. It wasn't until there was only an hour and a half left that we started dancing with our respective dates. My date knew I was gay, so we just danced all crazy like as friends. D and his date didn't know he's gay, and so he spent the night freaking her out (and I know her. she is so sweet and I felt so bad for her). When prom let out I was hanging outside with S and K, waiting for our car. D and his group of friends walked out, and when he saw us he wouldn't stop staring, and later stealing glances. It was really weird.

    A few weeks later, still senior year, the elementary school I was interning at for school said they were having a "Senior alumni breakfast" for everyone who went from sixth grade there to the nearby high school. Of which I am one. And so was D. When I got there and I saw him, he was polite, cordial, and even nice. he let his armor fall away and talked to me. That sweet awkward edge was back between us, but I'd take that any day over how he'd been treating me all year. By the end of the two hour ordeal he was being sweet to me again. We were reminiscing, and practically touching when he left for school (I stayed behind because my internship was a morning thing for school). What sucks is that, when we got back to school, all around his d-bag friends, he reverted back to the guy who was mean to me.

    After graduation we did this thing called Senior All Night Party. It was at this giant arcade place. I went with my friends and he with his. I was too chicken to say anything to him because I didn't know which side of D I was gonna see. I got treated to the mean side as he was with his mean friends. The next day, when I logged on to facebook I saw he was back. I'd thought that he'd deactivated it (but I recently found out that when someone deactivates their facebook it keeps them in your friends list) but in realty he had blocked me, and had just unblocked me.

    That was this summer. I was making progress. I was finally starting to get over him. But then college started. I'm going to a local community college because I don't have the money to go to ("real college") university, and he's going to University in a town that's not too far away from here.

    Here's my problem. I still really like him. A lot. But also not. I developed an ambivalent personality in fifth grade through eighth grade because of all the bullying that happened to me. A large part of me wants to tell him how I feel, but I couldn't bear to be rejected. I want to know if likes me too, but I don't think I should like him after the way he treated me senior year. I want to go to that University too (because it's really good for people who want to be teachers), but I also want to go/don't want to go because of him. Well, I also don't wanna go because my Dad is now living there, but that's a different story entirely.

    I guess what I'm asking is, do you think he liked me? Or was I reading too much into things? How can I move on? How can I start dating (because I feel that'll help me move on)? Partially I just needed a way to finally express all this. I've never told anyone this story. Not even my mom (who I recently came out too, and who was cool about it). I just need some advice. Should I try to move past him, or should I ... I don't know, pursue him in some way? Please. And thank you for the advice.

    {By the way, all the detail I put, I'm leaving out a lot, because my memory is so good that I remember a lot more. And it's not just about him, all my memory is like that. I'm adding that because I don't want you to think that my memory has altered a lot over time, because honestly it hasn't.}
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Short answer:

    I think he liked you, but was scared to death that he was gay and was in denial, and probably threatened that he sensed you were gay (even if he didn't know). It sounds like he's now closer to coming out, and is being friendly.

    What you do with that is up to you. I'd proceed slowly and cautiously if you decide to proceed at all.
     
  3. Vaettfang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2014
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Hard to respond without copying Chip. I'd take his advice.