Self confidence has taken a hit

Can you go and stay with one of your university friends - just to re-connect for a week end? It would help.

So would a new friend - LGBT or otherwise - in your home town..

Hope you can start breathing again, soon.

 

Hi Phoenix,

I'm at a pretty low point confidence wise myself, as I was recently put down / bullied and am still getting over it, and am ruing my stupidity for leaving myself open to it in the first place, by being in the wrong place at the wrong time - so I wonder if I'm even the best person to try to give any advice...but just a question, I don't get what you mean about 'I miss being straight'. Is that because you actually miss liking guys, or, that you miss all that went along with the straight lifestyle?

As for losing one's faith, well I'm lucky I guess in that my faith isn't homophobic and is pretty rational in many respects actually, so my sexuality doesn't clash with it at all. But in your case, I invite you to not assume that all is lost here. If you still believe that there is some kind of Cosmic order to all of this, that what we give out, that we receive back; if you believe in the power of kindness, truthfulness, generosity, and so forth - I would suggest that maybe you have not 'lost' anything, but that rather you are undergoing what can feel like a spiritual 'dark night' which although difficult and lonely, is a part of personal transformation; well, that's how it often happens. You lose the outward faith, but you might just find some faith in yourself. You know what I mean by this? The spiritual journey isn't over, it's just deepened a bit, that's all. What I'm saying is, it could be argued that you are are actually progressing spiritually, by losing the outward expression of faith. Sometimes I actually lose my faith as well. I just cast the whole lot out, and examine what I really believe about life on my own terms. But I still come back to those essential values I mentioned above; they don't change, and what's more, we don't even need a religion in order to both see their value, and to practice them.

---------- Post added 9th Sep 2014 at 09:11 AM ----------

As for believing in your own beauty - well you had better believe it. The fact is that some folks will find us attractive, some will find us unattractive, and many won't care one way or the other. So since there is no set 'truth' about whether we are *actually* beautiful or not - since it is a perception that varies with the individual - we might as well be one of the folks who does like ourselves as we are. There is actually a lot of money to be made out of making folks feel bad about their appearance. It's a huge industry. One does have to fight this. We don't see many ad campaigns saying, 'just eat, sleep, and exercise healthily, have a positive attitude, and your natural beauty will shine forth more'. The message we get is, 'you're not good enough as you are, but if you purchase our product, you might be a bit more ok'. Don't let that underlying message infiltrate your heart and mind. (And of course I need to also take my own advice here, and accept myself more as well - as I said, I hope I'm not hypocritical for dishing it out, but I do mean well.)

 

Oh wow, phoenix you're so lucky!! I mean that!

What if I told you that I had just bought a car, and in that car was beautiful upholstery and all the gadgety gizmos that modern technology has to offer. It's the bestest of the bestest of cars. Then as soon as I pulled out of the dealership, a bunch of people ran up to it, ripped open the doors and all of them took the nastiest diarrhea dump in the history of dumps. My brand new car, the insides seemingly ruined. Now a little time passed and I find that some people like the smell of diarrhea so they ride with me in my car (I can't get rid of the car because I just paid for it and can't take it back). They like the smell, but I don't. Then one day I say, "You know what?! I hate the smell of diarrhea!" *SHOCK* rings out among the passengers. They don't understand. I take the car and have it completely cleaned out. Slowly but surely they start exiting the car because, to them, riding in my car was only acceptable if it was filled with diarrhea. And now, what seems like all of the sudden, I am free of those people (and ideas) that kept me company while riding around in my diarrhea car. Free of the diarrhea means free of those who find diarrhea acceptable.

Don't mistake loneliness for a sign that you made a mistake, that would be ....a mistake! . You car is now clean and you are preparing to invite people in who enjoy soft leather seats, new car smell, and all manner of gadety gizmo thingies. You're on your way, phoenix! Take this time and be with yourself. Get to know your car as it was when it first pulled out of the dealership. When the right people come along, they'll have a lot of questions about your car!

This is phoenix time.

 

Holly, I liked your analogy. It is very true. I have done the same thing in the past years, and at times it's lonely, but I also realize it took a lifetime to become the person I was, and to become who I am and want to be, and to have the people in my life that are right for me is going to take time. I've developed some new friendships in the past year, and these people are unlike anyone who was in my life before. They understand and accept me for who I am. I don't feel like I need to prove anything to them, and I know that I can be myself with them. Work on you and making yourself happy and you will attract the people that are right for you. Doesn't matter whether they are straight, friends are friends regardless of orientation, and the happier you are with yourself, the more likely you will attract someone who has interest in you.
As for appearance, don't worry about it. Damien is right, beauty is subjective. There will always be someone who will think you are beautiful, and that will be more likely to happen if you have confidence in yourself. If people are going to judge you based on your appearance, then they are not the kind of people that are worth the effort. Wait for someone who will judge and love you because of how amazing you are as a person. Let your inner beauty shine through I don't care what someone looks like on the outside, I want someone who is beautiful inside because to me that person is the most beautiful and always will be. Be happy and proud of who you are, and don't let anyone take that away from you, especially yourself.

 

if it makes you feel any better whenever ive read your posts i get the vibe you would be a great person to hang out with.you always sound like a generally nice smart caring person.