A few days ago I joined here looking for support/thoughts on a situation I have with a friend of mine who I have developed feelings for. That situation is of course not resolved yet and probably won't be until she visits later in October so I can know really how she is feeling about things. However this month is just becoming extremely overwhelming for me and I'm having a lot of problems processing my feelings and have become very depressed and anxious. I have a history of anxiety and depression since I was 8 so that's really nothing new. I'm just having an extremely hard time with things right now to the point where I wish I could just feel numb and not the weight of everything inside me. I'm not suicidal so I want to state that. I just feel very stuck, alone and overwhelmed. Last september I was 1600 miles away in my hometown where I'd always lived and really never cared for. I was very ill that whole month with my gall bladder, in and out of the ER and was told I'd need to have it removed. In the middle of the month my 17.5 year old cat Misty who I had since she was 4 became ill and was back and forth to the dr and spent time in the hospital herself. The very end of sept. she appeared to maybe be pulling through and I got to bring her home. Sept. 29th I ended up back in the ER for severe pain and nausea due to my gall bladder. I was sent home with more pain meds and was told to definitely keep my appointment with the surgeon I had in a couple of days. The next day Sept. 30th I was in such a great amount of pain I could hardly stand and then Misty took a turn for the worse too and I knew I would be taking her that afternoon to have her put to sleep. I also knew that as soon as I did that I would be heading to the ER as after taking 6 pain pills and them doing nothing I felt something was really wrong (and I am not someone who likes taking RX pain meds if I don't have to). I could hardly stand at all as I was there as the dr. put Misty to sleep and I was unable to cry or get upset like I would normally have done due to the increasing pain I was in. I basically had to rush my goodbye to her and head to the ER where of course I was admitted and had my galbladder out the next morning where I learned it had burst. Because it had burst I was incredibly sick and nauseated for almost a month afterwards and also developed a kidney infection and had to go back to the ER. I pretty much was alone with all of this and stuffed every feeling or thought I had about it all somewhere deep inside me and the closer sept. got this year the more I began to feel everything about to bubble over. I have had a lot of huge changes this year not just losing Misty last year, having my surgery, I had to have my little bird PTS too right before I moved as she was ill and would never have made such a long journey. I have the friend I am having feelings for and also another super close friend coming to visit on Oct. 20th and things are no where near done/ready at my Condo. I know they don't care about that but it bothers me. Also Oct. 6th it will be 9 years ago that I was raped and that always seems to bring up yucky memories and cause stress for me as the time gets closer to that date. I have many good things that have happened sure. I live somewhere that I love the weather and it's beautiful. I have been able to buy lots of new furniture and things I always dreamed of (even tho they are not set up at all yet.) my other kitties are mostly in good health and are happy. I am very blessed in so many ways. But I really feel very alone and stuck in my feelings. I am a very introverted person who does not share myself easily with others and "just going out and meeting people" isn't really an option for me. I just am having a very hard time and feeling alone right now a lot. I guess I just needed somewhere to get all of that out where nobody knows me really. Thanks for listening.
I'm really pleased you decided to share those feelings with us. How did it feel as you wrote it all down and read the words back? It can feel like a constant struggle to live with depression and anxiety and when you look at everything you have been through recently it's no wonder you are having such a hard time with it and feel extremely overwhelmed. Even if you don't feel suicidal, it's still a lot to take and you are doing well to even see the positives amid all that pain. Just reading your message again I can sense how much it must have hurt you to say goodbye to Misty in such a hasty way after 17.5 years. Had it not been for the urgent ER appointment, I'm certain you would have never done that. People often struggle to understand how much our pets mean to us, but they are very special aren't they? Humans have this habit of remembering dates amd looking back and reflecting on events - sometimes, it's a good thing to do, but other times it can take us back to a darker place and rake up difficult memories and feelings. It seems September last year was a hell of a month for you and here you are, one year on looking back, with the additional memories of that awful incident nine years ago. I hope you will accept this virtual hug. (*hug*) I know you have the unresolved situation with the friend you have feelings for, but are you looking forward to the visit? It seems to me you need something to look forward to right now. I've got to be honest and say that it bothers me a little that you have been so alone with all of this and have been keeping it yourself. You have been through so much and need an outlet for it all - that's why I asked how it felt to write about it. I'm kind of hoping it was a bit of a release. Please don't hide it all away inside. If you are able to focus on the positive things you mentioned towards the end of your message, that's good, but I know it's not always that easy. So, if you are struggling, please tell us about it. I care. We all care. (&&&)
I am happy to listen; I can't give any advice, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are so brave!
First of all thank you both for replying, it means a lot. Thank you so much. It did feel good to get it out like a kind of release. I am still having my up and down days the last couple of days my moods have been a bit of here and there and everywhere. Good things have happened though as I was finally able to go pick out my new countertop and kitchen sink for my condo. I am really looking forward to things being finished even though its taken longer than I would have hoped it's nice for progress.. Yes, I am looking forward to my friend coming and also the other girl coming too who I am close with. I know there will be good times and we will have fun together I just am anxious about the one I'm having feelings for and how that will all go. Maybe she just will want to be friendsand I'll have to deal with that and maybe not and I'll deal with that. It's just something that is hard to calm down in my brain if that makes sense. Like I keep thinking of it all over and over. Today I've been feeling pretty lonely. I was trying not to let myself get too down and sad about things. We got some rain today which I love and there was a potential for a few snowflakes even tonight (though I doubt it will happen) and that always makes me feel good. I just feel afraid sometimes though that this is it. I'm just such a reserved person and it's hard to open up and a lot of the time when I have it has backfired on me for whatever reason. It's just so hard to trust. I want to be more brave and to not be afraid to put myself out there or say the thing I really feel but it scares me to my core at the very thought most of the time. Then on another hand I feel whats the point because most of the time in my life it hasn't mattered to anyone. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time I guess. Today I'm just grateful I was brave enough to reach out, even in this way which for me is huge just as if I was shouting it all to a crowd. Thanks for listening. <3
