Hello. I'm 22 years old. If we would start talking about my sexuality, who I am, and what I went through since middle school (and during my childhood), then I wouldn't finish until tomorrow. I went through bullying, I went through depression, I went through abusing alcohol (still have problems with it) and other substances (not doing this anymore), I went through cutting myself. I went through all of it alone, with noone to turn to, except for people in the internet. I got hurt there as well, but a lot of people helped me out. When I was 19, finishing high school, I've decided to come out for good (before this I gave hints only) to some people, because I knew that either I'm going to do this, or I will commit a suicide sooner or later (I was in a really, really dark place back then). One of the people I came out to, was my mother. She's always been the closest family member to me. I didn't talk with my father, my siblings never cared about me either (there's a huge age gap between us). When I was 17, I told her I might like men sexually, so she yelled at me and said she's never going to accept this, that I'll most likely get HIV and stuff liek this. Then again, when I was 19, I told her things once again, and I said that the truth is, I might end up with a guy someday. She said "okay but it will be hard for you in this society, but I will love you no matter what etc." basically, a lot of crap. Now, when I am 22, I've found a really nice guy. I told my mother about this. She told me "don't even tell me this, I don't want to hear it, it's better you move to another country" etc. Considering what I went through in my life, all the shit I had to deal with, bullying, depression, anxiety, endless evenings and sleepless nights I was just crying because I couldn't fight these feelings AND CONSIDERING MY MOTHER KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, I'm just too fucking tired to hear this bullshit how she can't accept it. I gave her time, LOTS of time to deal with it. Now it's time to move on. I've decided to keep to a minimum contacts with my family. Now I feel miserable (when I feel something like this from my own mother it feels like my heart been stabbed with a knife, maybe some of you know this feeling) and lonely after hearing all the stuff from my mother once again, after doing this I will just feel lonely. I've also decided to not go any deeper with the guy, once I meet someone I have to know that this person will stay with me in the good times and in the bad times, I'm tired of people letting me down in my life since I was born. I'm really scared. 3 years from now, I'll be graduating from medical school. All of my friends will probably start families (it's happening now already, everyone is in a relationship, so we're getting more and more distant from each other), and my biggest fear in life is to come back to an empty apartment from work. Now I'm not lonely, I live with all of them. I'm a winner, I went through shitloads of stuff, and yet I'm here. It's just I can't trust people anymore. I try to force myself, but I can't. My question is, was anyone in a similar situation? How to deal with being without family? How to start trusting people again (I don't know why but I have this weird feeling that someone I trust will use this to hurt me)?
that's a rough road to be sure. i know some of this sort of thing. the funny thing with family is sometimes real family isn't those who are related by blood, but those we choose to let into and keep in our lives. you mentioned trust, a precious commodity to be sure, but you'll never get any if you dont give some out as well. you dont have to give away everything, keep a little for yourself, but you have to give some for others to give you theirs. when you're ready of course. and in 3 years you will be in a position of independance so that's a prize to keep in mind.
"You cant choose your family, but you can choose whether you want them or not." A good friend told me this when i was having a huge fallout with my dad and i though, 'thats a good point, do i even want him anymore?' Things cooled off though and i aee him still. But the point is, if your family are making you miserable and ruining your life, why let them? If you believe you would be happier and live a better life then why hinder yourself with people who just make you sad? ------------- I hope it gets better for you whatever you do. ^.^
Hi, I'm also estranged from my family (mother, brother and sister) physically, although I do talk with my bro over the phone and he is friendly and supportive. It's difficult, I know. I have felt like 'the black sheep of the family' since my late teens. I'm now 45 so that's a lot of years feeling like I don't belong in my own darn family. Yeah my mothers' rejection of me, can feel a bit knife-like, that's a good analogy actually. But look, there's a saying that 'you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends'. So for some of us, it's the sad reality that, our own immediate family might be toxic to us, and yes for our own wellbeing, we might need to keep away from them. I truly empathize with your situation. As for rebuilding trust in people, well I've found here (ec) a good place to start. But when it comes to 'the real world' I admit it's a bit of a challenge. I've noticed though, that some folks are the same in good times, and in bad - they don't pretend to be nice just when things are all going nicely, but rather, when things go badly they still care and try to help. Those kinds of people, when I find them, I am learning to keep as friends. But overall, I would say: build trust in someone gradually, over time; and I think you are right not to just blindly trust someone right away - because not everyone is going to respect us or our trust in them. We do need to apply wisdom in our dealings with others, and not just kindness. Damien x
Thank you guys. That's the point. Since I left school and went to uni, I've found some great people I trully love and I care about. My mother said something like "I'm worried that people will cause you sadness if you're with a man" so I told her, that for 3 years the only person who made me feel different and bad was her. She said that I can't expect her to accept all of my decisions, and that my friends accept me because they don't really care about me like my family do. That's some real bullshit. Well, it's her problem. Not mine anymore.
