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what am I doing to myself?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, Sep 13, 2014.

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  1. Sam2

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Family only
    I've been doing okay at coming out to people. I've been sober for a little while. I've had some relationships. But I'm still so ashamed of being Gay. even typing that I'm gay makes me feel uncomfortable. some of my best friends still don't know I'm gay. and I just keep lying and making up story's of how I've hooked up with girls. It seems like a void I cannot escape. I know there is nothing wrong with being LGBT, I know some of my good friends have ZERO problem with homosexuality. yet I keep panicking and wussing out.

    Worst of all when I get low enough, I intentionally turn it to anger (Then I'm at least hating someone else), I've provoked fights and caused injury. recently I enlisted to fight for Israel, but do to a recent run in with the law I can no longer go. and basically all I do is drink now. I have no idea how to come out, it scares the shit out of me. because if I cannot except myself, how will I be happy, how can I stop going down the same path. getting F***** up and lying haven't worked the past 19 years (19 as of today) so I want to try anything else. and since the biggest problem to me is my attraction to men, it seems obvious I need to deal with that first.I dont really know what I'm asking just venting. but I guess and, I realize this is a stupid question but, does anybody else still feel ashamed of themselves?
     
  2. Michael

    Regular Member

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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    (*hug*)

    I do. I've just recently admited that there is very likely I'm transgender, after more than 20 years trying to become someone that I'm not. The idea of coming out is terrifying, and the process I'll have to go throught is even more terrifying.

    Being physically not very tall and strong, I directed that anger mostly towards myself (psychologically), but I've initiated physical violence in the (distant) past with some of my ex partners. I'm not proud of what I did, but I've changed my ways a lot. I'm still trying to be gentle to myself, but I'm far from being where I want to be. it feels sometimes that I'm just wasting my time trying to love someone who is unlovable... A monster.

    I know that alcohol can be very attractive, and I enjoy from time to time that "to hell with everything and everyone" drink. My luck is that I grew up next to alcoholics, so I witness what alcohol can do to a person. Luckily it never really caused any damage beyond repair, except making the anger worse, so I drink on my own, at home. On social situations I avoid it, because I know that at some point I'll end up insulting someone (or even worse). And of course when I think I'm drinking too much, I look for help. So far this method works...

    You will accept who you are at the end. It is a process you've got to go throught. What works best is to hear other people's stories, people that are on your situation, and talk about how you feel. Being honest and being brave.

    The society got its stereotypes about being gay, being hetero, being trans... That stereotypes go inside our minds and cause troubles. Do not underestimate the effect of this in you.

    I wish I could give you better advice, but what you said feels too close and I'm not in the best moment of my life. I still want you to know, that you are not on your own, and you are not alone.
     
  3. Sam2

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    I appreciate your advice! and I hope with all my heart you can find your way out of the darkness. best of wishes
     
  4. AKTodd

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    So, I've been kind of following your posts off and on and I've gotta say you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    As I recall, you've dealt with addiction, an...interesting...family life, anger issues, figuring out your sexuality, and defending someone who you care about (and probably much else I just missed the post on). And from what I can see from your posts, at every turn, you're trying to do the best you can and be the best person you can be. A lot of people can't say that.

    As far as the specific issue of being ashamed of being gay. I think that when you get that issue licked (and I say 'when', not 'if' because from everything I've seen here, you have a strength of will and character that will make it happen eventually), the whole issue of coming out will fall into place. It's not called 'Pride' because you're particularly proud of being sexually attracted to guys -it's called Pride because you refuse to bow down to the ignorant judgement of others and feel shame for being what you are. Because there's nothing wrong with you and nothing to be ashamed of.

    In terms of getting to that point...two thoughts:

    First, can you describe or point to any specific reasons that your mind is giving you for feeling shame? I ask, because in my experience if you can articulate the reasons for why you feel how you do about any particular topic, it's much easier to address, change, or get rid of those feelings. So - what about being gay is a cause for shame in your mind?

    Second, what do you think about potentially moving somewhere else? I know you were looking at moving to Israel, so I'm going to assume you aren't overly wedded to staying where you are living now for the rest of your life. You said that the Israel option isn't there anymore, but what about going somewhere else?

    I ask, because in the course of my life, I've made two big moves across the country, one from Alaska to Arizona to go to college, one from Arizona to Virginia because my life just wasn't working in Arizona anymore. Both times, I also kind of hit the giant Reset button on life, and the results turned out to be pretty darn cool both times.

    The first time, going to Arizona, I learned that in the wider world people could like me for me and not give a crap whether or not I liked the same things they liked (in my home town, if you didn't like hunting, snowmobiles, and basketball, people looked at you like you were from another planet). And I learned to let go of all the anger that living in that town, and living with an emotionally abusive child molester had built up in me over 10yrs.

    The second time, I moved to a place with much better job opportunities, got into a field that I really enjoy working in, and met my partner (near 18 years and counting).

    The point being that, in moving somewhere else, and hitting the 'Reset' button on your life, you might also find it easier to come out. You could essentially deal with a bunch of people for the first time, with no expectations of who they think you are based on 19yrs of knowing you or the like. You could look to move somewhere that is gay friendly (HRC publishes a regular list of the most gay friendly parts of the country), get to know other people who are gay or gay-friendly, or just don't care - and build up your confidence and comfort and just general happiness level such that either you can eventually go back to where you are now to visit and feel confident in coming out to people. Or maybe just not bother going back at all. If you were planning to move to the other side of the planet, I'm assuming you weren't looking to just drive home on the long weekends anyway.

    I know you've mentioned a recent run-in with the law, and not sure if that includes any travel restrictions just now - but even if it does, perhaps those go away after a time or you could talk to someone about moving your case to the equivalent department somewhere else or something?

    Anyway, hope this helps and don't give up - things may be pretty crappy right now, but they can and will get better. I have confidence in you. (*hug*)

    Todd
     
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