Starting therapy tomorrow: frightened beyond my wits

Tomorrow, I'm being pulled from school early in order to start therapy with someone whom I have no idea about and its giving me awful anxiety, beyond belief.

Some back story, I am 16 male and I have been struggling with quote-on-quote depression (not officially diagnosed) for the last four-to-six years and I have been in the closet for just as long. I have a friend who had undergone different therapies for similar things that I had been, and sort of been using him as a pillow to vent out my anger and frustration and sadness because they had been there, and were kind enough to do so. Last month, after sending a long list of texts which spoke about my suicidal intentions, my parents had received a copy of the texts through a fault in the Apple iCloud security where it showed up on their phones, and they confronted me about it, which I was forced out of a closet that I was not yet ready to come out about.

Since they, their trust in me has been at a bear minimum, they do not trust me when I say I am going to hang out with friends, they believe I am going out and doing drugs instead, having unmoral sex and all that stuff. They decided that I would need a therapist to help deal with my depression and sadness. They have filled out all the paperwork that I should had filled out myself because they do not believe that I can do it myself, and that I am also afraid of them knowing how I really am. I told them that most of the things in the text were a lie, exaggerated, but that's not true. I had to tell them that my depression came from things that it did not because they do not truly understand. I had to take things and put into terms they would understand, which left out some key details.

I have a first session tomorrow with this therapist, (who focuses on Gender Identity issues, which scares me even more because gender has been something I am very confused about, but don't even know where to being with it), and holy crud am I frightened. I don't know how honest to be, I know the whole "therapists have to be confidential" about things, but my parents are going to ask so many questions that I don't know if I can answer or not. There is also the fact that yes, I have had many suicidal thoughts, and have had some attempts myself, (three which failed, purposefully), and most of them have come within the last few months. I don't know how honest to be with her, I don't even know how honest to be when it comes to the things like depression, and the fact I may or may not be gay, (I already know the answer).

I only tell my parents what they need to know, not what they should know because I have grown up in a household where I should be afraid to hurt my parents emotionally, even if it is the truth. I guess they are, "ignorant" about the things they don't want to believe, (i.e. the fact I have suicidal tendencies, my brother harassing people). When they were filling out the paperwork, they had told me, "Please don't tell my you have thoughts about hurting yourself/another/killing yourself", which I replied no, and they replied, "Thank god," which was a total crap lie.

I don't know how to feel about this, I am absolutely frightened to spend an hour in the car with my mother as she drives me to therapy and back, but not without stopping in a restaurant for lunch and asking me questions about what I said. I also discovered my father snooping around my laptop to see if there were any notes I had saved onto the computer, (all hidden behind safety systems)


What do I do tomorrow? How can I be honest with her if I can't even be honest with myself, with my own parents, with my friends, with my family? I don't know how I can trust if I have never trusted before, and have had my trust broken into a million pieces. I am scared, I am dead, frightened about this because I struggle to sleep and I struggle to eat without wanting to breakdown. I am being forced to go to a therapy I do not want, but that I do not need. I have to trust someone, even when I do not trust my own flesh and blood... how do I do that?

 

Update.

It did not go well. We sat in a waiting room that was beyond freezing cold and with some weird Irish folk music playing on the intercom giving me a headache. By the time we started to speak, I was anxious beyond my wits and she did much more talking then I thought she would. Asked a lot of questions, discreetly tried to diagnose me with things like depression, anxiety, etc. There was a lot of miscommunication between the two of us, as she would tell me what I was feeling and I would tell her that it was actually quite the opposite. In the end, she told me that I would have to see someone else in the facility, which may take another few weeks before I would be able to sit down and talk to someone about my problems. Part of the problem might of been that she focused mostly on females between the ages of 12-19, and that a lot of her focus was FTM transgender teens. Another part might of been the fact I really struggled to open up, I felt sick to my stomach for most of it and felt like just crying, but I couldn't because, you know, my parents were right by my side for half of the session.

Thank you anyways, I'll probably post again in a few weeks with the same nervous breakdown and some other nit-picking issue...

 

First of all, whoops, didn't mean to make Gender Identity sound like it was an issue, it didn't seem like a repair therapy. (Maybe it was the heat of the moment, I keep going back and forth on whether or not that I am having a gender crisis, I honestly can't tell.)

Second of all, a lot of my fear of my parents knowing certain things is that they expect me to feel happy and that I know they don't feel happy unless I am better, and I've grown up fearing hurting my parents in any way, so this is bringing a lot of anger towards my self because I can't seem to do what will make everyone happy.

Third of all, thanks!


EDIT: I should also add that the therapist seemed to have a lot more focus on instead of healing and helping me rid myself of depression, that I find different ways to cope with it/deal with it and "wait till it just blows over", which was also frustrating.