Lack of closure? (LONG POST)

Warning: This is a LONG post

I'll start off with a short story that happened to me freshman year (and I acknowledge it might sound immature/odd to some, but note that this was 4 yrs ago). Basically, a group of rowdy teenagers I'll call the "R group" egged a bunch of innocent passersby -- one including my sister -- on Halloween back in 2010. Outraged, I told my close guy friend about what happened, and immediately he gathered his friends and planned to fight someone from the R group "egg-throwers" as an act of retaliation. So this fight took place at a park near our school, and basically about 20 people were gathered there -- about half from the R group and half from my guy friend's group. One person from each group fought one-on-one -- the "enemy" representative of the R group (who'll be mentioned again later) I'll call Rex here. Turns out Rex and thus the R group wins the fight, and the boy walks off victoriously with his girlfriend (I'll call her Hazel), who I still remember wrapped her hand around his waist happily and had this pretty flower crown over her pretty brown hair.

Now, fast forward to three years later -- this is when I had the "ultimate epiphany" that I might be les/bisexual. Like many others, I've always had hints of being queer since a young age, but I never actually genuinely liked another girl -- until senior year of high school.

It started with me being put in an all-girls choir class, labeled "Treble Effect" (TE) at our high school (my 1st period class).
On the first day, I walked into the class as my eyes sort of glazed over everyone, focusing on only the people I was already friends with.
This class was pretty diverse w/ the exception of there barely being any asians, otherwise being filled with caucasians, mexicans, white-hispanics, african-americans, mixed races, etc., I being in the tiny Asian group, and eventually the entire class sort of separated into cliques almost determined by race. Nothing and nobody sparked my interest very much in Treble Effect, and it was almost a mundane routine going to first period every morning. However, soon we started learning our dance choreography aka "numbers," and this is when everything (as dramatic as it sounds) changed. Our teacher obviously didn't care about our separated cliques, and so in the beginning of the year she'd assign our spots for the dance numbers randomly.

For this one "Cinderella/Stepsister" song, I was put next to this not-too-loud and very skinny, slightly tanned, hazel-eyed girl who looked vaguely familiar. She was Puerto Rican, had a soft face, and a constant neutral facial expression. I still didn't really pay attention to her, even though we'd be dancing side by side for the next couple of months. This changed when one day, we were learning dance moves that required one to sort of chasse and "tippy-toe" on heels, and almost everyone near us did it perfectly -- but not her (and of course, I didn't either). She had almost a limp, clumsy movement that suddenly sparked my interest (yes, I'm weird) in her, and from then on I began constantly noticing her little quirks in dancing, and soon her personality overall.
She wasn't the "nice girl." In fact, she'd be considered the mean girl to the common high schooler. She was never afraid to suddenly call someone out who was doing something that annoyed her, or to tell them to move out of the way without the slightest bit of an apologetic tone or manner. Although I was sometimes a bit bothered by these slightly rude gestures, she and her occasionally revealed soft side made me more and more attracted to her.

Even though I literally never noticed her on campus the past 3 years, after having TE-class with her, I began seeing her everywhere I went. And by noticing her walking on campus for the first time, I suddenly realized something. The way she wrapped her arm around her boyfriend (who also looked familiar) during passing periods, the way she walked in general, and her vaguely familiar hair and face finally struck me to my late realization: she was Rex's girlfriend, Hazel! I saw her and Rex literally once from freshman year that one day our opposing groups fought one another, and oddly I never noticed the two on campus after that, until my senior year.

Anyhow, during class we never discussed this odd past. It was something I could laugh about, but I just never mentioned it to her, and vice versa. Not to mention we didn't talk too much in general. We were cordial with each other, she would tease me (although almost the entire class did, because my friend Grace and I were the most clumsy pair in the class, not to mention one of the only Koreans!) and talk to me once in awhile about our "bad phases" in the past and then rave about fun yet dangerous things to do in the future. She sort of took care of me, as did most of her friends (sadly I needed a bit of guidance, for I sucked at paying attention in class) and thus I have fond memories of them all, regardless of how awkward I was with them. However, none of us got too close, partially because I was too chicken to get out of my little Asian circle and hangout with their white and hispanic clique permanently! I know it sounds odd, but it's very real in some and probably most schools, where people tend to be naturally discriminated into different groups by race, with some exceptions of course.

Eventually, I felt like Hazel and I were building an ineffable connection, although I still am uncertain whether or not it was one-sided.
But I'll explain the gist:
Every time she was alone and we passed by each other as we headed opposite directions, although sometimes she would cheer my name (which I'll just say is Jasmine) as her way of saying hi, most of the time there was a large space between us, making it awkward to always wave hi and greet one another. What happened instead though, was ambiguous yet made me swoon on the inside. Almost every single day, after third period, when we walked past each other from a distance, we would hold this intense eye contact. Sometimes I would look away, and then glance back, and she would still be looking. I swear, sometimes her eyes sparked. We did this countless of times, not just after third period but also after lunch, on our way to perform shows, during class, etc. etc.
We just looked at eachother a lot. Maybe she wasn't doing it on purpose, but it's as if our energies just always connected and automatically gravitated toward one another.
Also what was weird is right when she would walk in the room, I felt her energy. The entire vibe of the place also would change, and I constantly felt her presence.

Soon she became my sole focus for going to school. Every morning when I woke up, I thought about her and how excited I was to see her again. In the afternoon, I daydreamed of her in class AND during lunch when I was with my friends. At night, I fell asleep thinking about how gorgeous she was and many times I'd have dreams of us laughing and just having innocent fun out somewhere peaceful.

And her being my main focus is what made me extremely insecure. Not only because I just realized that year that I had the potential to like -- possibly love -- a girl to such extreme, but also because I didn't feel good enough for her, AND because she had a boyfriend. Not to mention my friends were all religious, anti-gay conservatives (most of my city is that way), and I was always scared they'd find out and treat me differently.
All these factors, including other things such as not being confident with the way I physically looked that year, all contributed to me closing myself out from many social events and taking full advantage of my senior year. But in the end, everything always rooted back to me being, unfortunately, almost madly obsessed with her.

Whenever we had show rehearsal, I would glance at her dancing or just idly posing for the song to begin, and those sights are what made me believe I was truly infatuated with her. My heart raced, I could barely think about my own choreography, and it almost seemed surreal to see her onstage. She was so gorgeous.
I still remember when the class was backstage some girl was being slightly rude to me, so I joked that I was getting bullied all day, and Hazel laughed good-heartedly and comforted me simply by helping me with my hair. Those little positive things just trumped all the little negative things she'd say due to her blunt nature and offensive-although-somewhat-humorous cussing habits. Her odd balance of being both nice and "straight up" was what made her even more charming.
After several months of these sorts of patterns, she broke up with her boyfriend. Apparently he wasn't treating her right, and she thought she deserved better. I was of course happy that she broke free from such a guy, but at the same time I was also excited about the sole prospective of her being single. This was my chance! I could prove to her that I'd treat her so much better, that we'd always understand each other, and that I'd try to be an amazing girlfriend just for her. But then I would come back to reality and remember that she's probably identified as straight. She never had a girlfriend, she dated the same guy for years, and being stuck in a conservative, anti-gay school and city, it was difficult to even consider dating a girl, not to mention she was in a "popular," almost merciless social circle. All of this again locked me up inside my closet, and kept me in there for the rest of my senior year.
Hazel continued to be on and off with her boyfriend Rex. Eventually, every time they broke up she would literally seem to walk behind or somewhere nearby me on purpose while she was with one of her friends, talking especially loudly about how she and Rex were separated now and the reasons for it. All of this, in my dreams, would have been implications and hints that she was trying to let me know that she was single. Either that or I'm being and have been delusional :eusa_doh:

For one of our last shows, she took a picture with me, and afterwards while we were changing next to each other I accidentally caught her staring at me. She had these puppy dog hazel eyes that held on for a few seconds longer, until I finally let go and looked the other way.
At the end of the school year she put that pic we took as part of her collage of all her best friends from choir via Instagram, even though I wouldn't consider us being very close. Still, I was ecstatic. After that, we would always have some sort of interaction through social media.

School ended, and on the very last day, choir class was a free period for everyone to sign yearbooks. I was sitting alone at one point, and there was only around 15 mins of class left. I thought everything was over now, and I really wanted to ask Hazel to sign my yearbook, but of course my chickenness made me stay in my seat, too afraid to approach her and her big social group. However, suddenly from behind me her voice calls, "Jasmine!" I look back, and she's sitting several rows behind me by herself as well while everyone else went to sign other yearbooks. I walk towards her, and she asks to sign her yearbook. We exchange them, and she wrote something along the lines of "JASMINE <3 <3 You're so funny, and choir wouldn't have been the same without you. Let's drink over the summer! xoxo Hazel." She also invited me to her graduation party, where all her friends and family were going over the summer. I was so happy, everything seemed so unreal! The prospect of being able to see her over the summer was so so thrilling.
That was the last day we had first period Treble Effect together.

Around the first week of summer is when the graduation party took place. I went there with Grace and a close guy friend whom she was both okay with, and when I got there she said she couldn't believe I came. However, after that it was awkward. I didn't really know anyone there, I felt oddly shy, and I was acting plain stupid. Seeing that I was also arguing with a guy who was making shameful remarks towards certain races a few hours into the party and feeling uncomfortable being at the party in general, I decided to leave. I left with my friends without saying bye to anyone, including some of the choir girls who have been good sports throughout the year, which I regret now. I texted Hazel "Thanks for inviting me to your party, your food was amazing! " and she replied "Np, thanks!!!" and that was pretty much the last conversation we had. Three months have passed now, I'm heading to college next week, and we haven't hungout ever since. I sort of stopped thinking about her for the past months because of my summer job, but all of a sudden everything came back to me recently when I saw what she posted on Instagram: It was a happy birthday collage for her bestfriend, and one of the pictures in it was of her and the girl kissing mouth-to-mouth. It was probably a joke, but my guy friend who's friends with her mentioned that he suspected throughout the year that she might be bi/bi-curious, or at least she "had it in her" to realize and become one eventually due to how she behaved with certain girls.
But whether or not she's queer doesn't really matter now; she's happily with her boyfriend Rex and we're going to different, distant colleges.
Oh, and I checked her old pictures on Instagram, and she deleted the collage picture that I was in before too. :dry: :eusa_booh

So this is the part I need advice on if anyone is willing to help: I feel this extreme lack of closure on my part. I feel as though we should at least end as friends, or her telling me she never liked me in that way. Or me letting her know that I used to like her a lot, but I'm glad she's happy now. I just need SOMETHING to move on. But would it be weird if I did that?


After performing onstage with her at least 30 times with a total of maybe 15 songs, occasionally one that we performed for would play on the radio, reminding me of her to this day and filling me with this overwhelming sense of nostalgia and bittersweetness.

Thinking of how beautiful she looked in everything she wore on or off the stage, her steady and confident gaze, her little adorable and quirky moments, and even her blunt moments that I was always so sensitive about -- just the idea of how I'm uncertain if I'll ever see or experience any of these moments again is disheartening.


Thanks so much for taking your time to read this long post, and more thanks if you have any advice to share!

 

Thanks for your sincere advice! And again thank you for welcoming me to the community