I don't know what the damn problem is but I am really god damn sick of these dramatic mood swings all the time. I'll be a healthy person for a time, like a normal functioning person, then I'll slink down the the pits and want to die and mad/depressed with everything. I used to not get mad but I guess I'm more prone to anger now. Record for going as a healthy person was around ten months, I mean of course with bad days and ups and downs but I felt like a normal person for the first time ever. Now it's sometimes weeks or days, sometimes it's just day or hours, before I hit the bottom again and feel like shit. I guess the difference is now I don't skip class or work to the point of failing/termination but the desire is there all the damn and I hate myself just as much if not more than when I just wouldn't go. But then I'll feel great!!! but then it's gone. and it's back! and it's gone, and it's back, and it's gone, and there's never a fucking in-between it's always GOOD or BAD or SUICIDAL and it can be like this for awhile or just a few hours but then i bomb out and spiral and it's just really FUCKING EXHAUSTING and i've been on medication for it, the most recent was topamax which is shit and i'm not on it now. I'm in therapy and brain pills and brain pill adjustments, diagnosed depression and anxiety, but shit's been like this for awhile and I know it's not going away. I don't even know why I'm posting such a shit wussy topic and I will regret it in a few minutes anyway. I'm just frustrated because I feel like such a lost jackass with no god damn point because I'm never going to have anything, I'm never going to be normal, I'm never going to be able to do anything, I'm just going to be miserable leech until I preemptively die from diabetes and obesity and I hate living a life this miserable and a BLOO BLOO BLOO and I hate this shit because when I'm all in a good mood it's like "yeah some kid from buttfuckistan would be so thrilled to have this opportunity, life is great!" and when it's bad it's like "i'm such a shit waste some fuck from buttfuckistan would have done better because they aren't contaminated by the first world baby tear syndromes" even tho when I talk to people that are sad and feel bad because "first world problems" i'm always like haha that doesn't mean your problems don't matter! but then it's my problems and it's like i fucking SUCK and i really hate almost everything, i really hate myself, and i cant undo it it's ALWAYS been like this, i remember being so young and hating myself, i have a defective brain this is my official diary topic i'm sorry for making it i don't expect anything, sorry for shitting up the good forums this isn't even very focused is it, sorry, don't read tl;dr, don't read
(*hug*) You're not terrible. You're awesome! Your post literally made me laugh out loud earlier, and that's got worth. I think it does at least. And look around this community. I'm sure you've left a comment here on this website to help someone else, or at least make them feel a little better. It doesn't always seem like it, and you might not always get a direct response, but people appreciate those more than you can imagine. I appreciated the comment you left on my topic yesterday. I wish I could do more to help, but just know I'll ALWAYS be rooting for you. Good luck, and keep being brave. <3
thank you, Ashe. It really means a lot c": yeah, I hesitated on using the word normal. I guess I really just mean "functioning". I remember the first long-term "non-depression stability high" I had, I just kept saying over and over "this is how it feels, this is how I am supposed to be feeling on average! This is how people function!" and it was great. There were ups and downs and sadness but you didnt spiral and have to go to ER/psych ward because of a mildly bad thing or thought. I could hold a job, I could talk to people that approached me, I could go to class, I could make time to do the work, time to volunteer, time to better myself! It was amazing! and i fuckin lost it. where did i fuck up? i find myself saying a lot, i dont believe in a god but if there is why do they hate me so much? but that just dilutes my responsibiloty in it. i have a fucked up brain and i suck, no god is responsible for it.
I'm actually going through the very same mood swings. Once, I went from "angry enough to kill" to "happy enough to scream" and back to angry under, I don't know, an hour or so? So you aren't alone in that. You aren't fucked up or anything - you're a cool, awesome, super magnificent GODzilla, and we ALL love you are. I still mean what I said before - that your posts always make me smile. Unless the posts are sad posts, like the OP. Then I'm sad too - because you definitely don't deserve to be going through this. (*hug*) Do you know why you're feeling badly? ):
Thank you, Nych. I'm in a great mood right now but I know it won't last just because of how this works. You have become such a wonderful beacon of support, please let me know if you ever need anything <3 I am not really sure specifically, I think it's a combination of being single, being ugly, being unhealthy, having no skills, no talents, being dependent on my parents, not being very good at my job, not liking my job, not earning much at my job, being at community college as long as I have, knowing I will be there in this same city much longer, aging, my age, the future, lack of general success, lack of direction, lack of usable ambition, lack of everything except an abundance of sucking.
1. you might not stay single forever... 2. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! I think everyone has the potential to be physically beautiful without changing anything about themselves. I'm sure you're already beautiful anyway <3 3. But you're trying to get healthier, right? That's what matters most. In the end, if you keep trying, you will prevail (*hug*) 4. Everyone has skills, don't say you don't ):< 5. You have the talent of making me and everyone else very happy <3 6. Aren't you still in your twenties? That's still so young! And being dependent on your parents is sometimes just unavoidable. it doesn't make you a bad person. 7. people are better in different things ): and sometimes, when you're sad, you think you aren't doing a good job on anything. so maybe you ARE doing a good job! your sadness just is jealous of you. 8. (*hug*) 10. and you definitely are not sucking )8< you are great and awesome and an amazing grand axolotl (s orry i skipped some of your reasons but that's only because i am a young butt and i cannot hope to comprehend the struggles of economic adult life yet) (but i can tell you that it will get better someday <3 maybe it will take a while but it will get better) (so keep fighting and hang on there (*hug*) we on EC all love and support you!)
thank you nych, you are such a wonderful person. paxil i am worried about the weight-gain on. never considered zoloft. i am on lexapro right now and.... i dont fucking know if it is working as i am bumping my angst diary here tonpost about how fucking unstable i feel. i hate this, it is like i am three different people and i am being forced all their emotions at once. i feel insane and i want to rip my hair out, i feel like a crazy person
My brain was the saddest it's ever been today. I ended up doing some things I never want to do again. But we just gotta keep moving on, y'know? And don't say you don't have any skills! You're very funny and incredibly kind. Keep trying new stuff- sewing, cooking, snowboarding, hiking, anything! Eventually you'll find something that you enjoy and you're good at, I promise. At the very least, you'll get out of your own head for a while. And don't forget that I'm rooting for you! ~<3
thank you. i am bad at cooking, don't get sewing or crocheting, and there is no snow here. Once the weather cools down I would like to hike though. I need yor potimism. Thank you : ,)
a friend encouraged me to make a ****** account after their success with it and the anxiety it gives me is so awful i probably need to go to like nine different doctors my future looks so shitty, at least i have hope for other people to do well. i can leech vicariously through them ha
Hey. I'm sorry you're having this stuff. I get mood swings too. It gets so painful sometimes, so hard to go on. I try to keep good distractions around -music videos, Star Trek Online, creative hobbies. Somedays though, it's just really damned hard. I trick I use, I curl up in bed, and pull the covers over my head. It sounds crazy, but something clears my head after a few minutes. Maybe it's carbon dioxide levels or something, who knows? I say though - I keep fighting because I am *not* going to let the shitty Nazi brainwashing *doctors* win by destroying me. Somedays rage is all I have. But, I'm doing better these last few days, being here, hanging out. Learning things from all of you. Keep fighting. Don't let the bastards win.
