Thinking about setting up a date with an older woman. Im 21 shes 34. Worried we would end up having nothing to talk about cause of our age gap and since we are at such different stages of life... or maybe she won't take me seriously cause im younger Have you guys been in a relationship where there is a large age gap? Can you share your experience please? Thanks all cant wait to read what you guys have to say
Yeah, I'd say the age gap might be a problem…I dated a few people that were older and the music was the biggest gap…and different hobbies…But then again being older than that, I can say 21 and 34 is not that far apart…I had a huge year-long crush on a girl (who totally messed with my head) and she was a LOT younger (20 years!) and I realized she had a crappy childhood and was looking for a re-do…and then I met her mom and was kind of horrified-we were A LOT alike…so yeah, it can get weird, but 13 years might be OK. Who knows, she might be awesome and like the same things you do! All I can say is give it a shot and you'll know pretty quick if it won't work. Good Luck!
ohmygod that is awkward af... thanks for responding though! think im gonna sort out that first date, wish me luck
Her maturity? hahahahah makes it pretty straightforward now. But I got the vibe that she wasn't too sure about younger girls... she was quite cautious and asked me quite a bit of questions i can see obstacles in the relationship already and still haven't organized a date haha #overthinking
Ya, a 13 year age gap at your age is a near-guarantee that the relationship won't be healthy. There are a *lot* of lesbian relationships with significant age gaps, but just about every one I've seen is horribly unhealthy, and we've had plenty of members here who were convinced their relationship was wonderful... until it ended and they realized how badly dysfunctional/codependent it was. So my suggestion would be that you'd likely be better off finding someone closer to your own age.
fair enough. I do see various potential problems arising definitely. I guess at 21, we are quite 'unstable' in a way. Could you expand on what you mean by dysfunctional though?
But then again…there's a lot to be said for older women as friends/mentors…maybe lovers…new tricks are always a bonus…so yeah, pros and cons!
I think dysfunction comes more from the person and their personality over an age gap all by itself. It may contribute, but it is not the root cause.
That's true, but the factors tend to feed into each other. An emotionally healthy person 34 years old is generally not going to be attracted to someone 13 years younger, for the simple reason that s/he will see the potential issues (differences in life experience, economic stability, power/control dynamics, interests/friendships, etc.) It's rather difficult to clearly explain what the dysfunction looks like because it is slightly different in each coupling, but one of the major features you almost always see is an imbalance of power and control; typically the older person is dominant and makes most or all of the decisions and directs what happens and doesn't happen in the relationship. The older person often controls the pursestrings, either because s/he earns more, or because it's part of the control dynamic, which also tends to feed into a lack of control and autonomy with the younger person. And frequently, indirectly, the age/experience card gets played, wherein the younger person feels less competent/capable with the older person constantly (whether consciously or unconsciously) exerting control. There are also a few cases where the role is reversed, and the older person feels attraction to the younger, but the younger person uses that to manipulate the older person with threats of withholding love and affection, leaving the relationship, etc. But that's typically less common. Of course, all of the above can occur without an age gap, so it's technically correct that the problems arise out of issues not directly tied to the age gap. But you tend to find those issues overwhelmingly in age-gap relationships and less so in age-concordant relationships.
Interesting hearing from you all... Well I think she was quite cautious with me at first and tested the waters. When I told her im 21 she was like "omg too young" but she would ask me questions like do I live my parents still, have i graduated etc etc We are seeing each other this Friday so I guess we'll see then whether the age gap is going to affect us. If it gets awkward and theres nothing to talk about i think thats the first sign that its not going to work out.
My parents have an age gap of 13 years, they are pretty happy together. The only real issue I am aware of is that my dad's career is 13 years better paid, which means that my mum occasionally feels like she isn't earning enough/contributing enough - I don't think that will be an issue for you unless things get serious.
I have to agree with Chip, but Swimgood I hope it goes well…Dysfunction IS hard to define, but here's one of my warning signs…If you see as you move into a relationship that this person reminds you of one of your parents, and the things they do that remind you of the parent upset/anger/frustrate you…that's a sign that you were drawn to that person to work on that issue about that parent. Goodness knows I've done that. First with men and then not so much, so I was kind of surprised when I realized the woman I dated REALLY reminded me of my mom, and obviously I resembled hers. This woman also had other serious issues, from childhood…that she really had not dealt with yet, and being older and having worked on a lot of things, I could see how much she was denying/burying and that she had a lot of work to do and that was A: more than I could handle and B: not what I was looking for in a lover… It's good to just be honest from the beginning and be aware of what draws you to that person… I like younger women but I have never felt or acted my age…maybe I just haven't grown up yet? Good luck Swimgood!
Was surprised to get a response! haha We have been on 2 dates since this post...both has been great. I wouldnt say im a control freak - but i tend to overthink when I cannot grasp a situation or feel like i have no control over it. Which is what im doing right now because man I cannot read this woman! hah I'll be alright though. I just need to remind myself that its okay to let go of the wheel sometimes and let things happen on their own. p.s. Shes fucking gorgeous oh and thank you for your response She resembles more of myself but many steps ahead of me in life is that dysfunctional?
I don't think it's dysfunctional to think she reminds you of a "you" that's further along the path…maybe she's who you need in your life to grow! I try to cultivate friends who are further along…I can't be around people who are way back too much…I have one friend that I am very supportive of as she grows (she's younger than I am) but other than that…I can't take people's drama…but I think that's a good thing Yeah, I'm learning to let go sometimes…let other people drive, metaphorically AND literally-but then my stress level just goes up! LOL. What I learned is that my ego can give me an ILLUSION of control, but somebody somewhere is just laughing, because I don't have control of anything
Once you get somewhere about 27-30 -- depends on the person --, the age differences start to be less relevant because most of the basic life experience stuff is there, and (hopefully) there's a certain degree of autonomy (and some experience with autonomy) and other factors that tend to reduce the impact of the age difference. It is when the younger persion is under 25-27 that you most commonly see the issues. And the unfortunate part is... usually the younger person is awestruck and sees absolutely no problems whatsoever... simply because s/he doesn't have the experience to recognize them. So it seems like about 3/4 of the time, people aren't interested in actually *taking* any of the advice offered, but more in validating a decision they've already decided to make. Of course that's their choice, and perhaps it's their life lesson to learn. And it's also possible that theirs will be one of the very few that is actually healthy in spite of the age gap. But statistically, the long term success rate for a *healthy* relationship is pretty dismal when there's a large age gap and one of the people is younger than 25 or so.
I think that age is a problem only if you let it be one I am in love with a man that is 17 years older than me he is so cool and gets me we even finish each others secentces I guess I am saying talk to her get to know one another who knows you might just make it !! Good luck
Idk 13 years isn't that bad I mean I understand that's a lot but whatever makes u happy Take care (*hug*)
