Well...second year of being a sophomore in college..Freshman year was fun, met people, saw a cute guy and has a huge crush on him. I met tons of friends lost some friends the whole lot.But now...what do I do....Every day i wake up and just feel like if my life ended tomorrow I would honestly be happy about it. I feel like I have never accomplished a damn thing in my life. Nothing, I never did well in school. I am convinced im hideous..im fat..But all my friends keep telling me..Your so handsome, your not fat your regular sized..If all those things are true...why does no one approach me..When I go to parties all I am is that tall kid with the curly hair and thats it. I am the friend that is always there to help someone out emotionally, or help them get home if they are too inebriated to walk home by themselves. I met a guy who I thought was interested in me, and now we have the same class and he pretty much pays no attention to me. I am not doing well in school, and I just feel like its the same recurring scenario over and over and over again. I....I am so tired...I just dont know what to do anymore. People will say keep going your fine, and be strong you can make it..But..they aren't in my shoes...they don't understand what its like to wake up, look myself in the mirror and think...another day in this miserable body, in this dismal unforseen world. I've talked to people and i just feel like what they say is.it doesnt matter...they don't care about me. all they care about is the fact that they are getting payed because I have a problem. and all they have to do is alleviate it with a bunch of sweet nothings. My family tells me they love me but..I don't believe it either..I just feel so alone. I constantly live in this dream world of what if I looked this way and, if that guy liked me, and I was the most dedicated student at school...but it never happened..and it never will. Most people view suicide as an excuse to leave the challenge of life. Some people hate the people that commit suicide..But do they understand..what it feels like every single day.To just feel like nothing..a void space in a room. A lost spirit wandering the earth looking for a purpose that...it never even had. I feel dead already. So why not just end it completely. People won't miss me..Life will go on. Ill be long gone with nothing to worry about, boys, school, family...Ill be at peace..but then you have the people who say living on is all you can do. True, I want to live on..but...this feeling inside my chest.. this lonely feeling, this feeling of hatred, despair, and desolation..I can't get rid of it. I've tried for years and it won't leave. It feels like the devil is trapped inside of me and is building dark roads into my heart..What is life...what is the meaning to live? what is my purpose on this planet? will anyone love me? Will anyone trust me?
Look at all of the people you love. Believe me, no matter how you might feel, you WILL be missed. Committing suicide is one of the most selfish things you could possibly do. If you feel that you cannot continue to live for yourself at the moment, try living for the people YOU care about - and from your post, I can say for certain that you care about many of them.
Well, the first thing to say is that I do believe how real these feelings are for you and I agree that it is difficult for other people to understand the depths of despair that you have reached. Even another person with dark feelings of suicide will not experience exactly what you are experiencing and I'm not going to patronise you by saying "I know how you feel". Of course, I don't, but I can say that I believe you and I don't think you are selfish. I read your posting carefully and I get the sense that hope has gone, but if you'll bear with me, I'd like to pick out a few points: Can you explain what, if anything, has happened to totally change your perspective? Freshman year was fun, you told us this... but now you have these much darker thoughts that are right at the other extreme. I'm guessing the underlying feelings, relating to your image and sense of self worth have not just suddenly occurred this year. Can you identify what it is that has seemingly turned everything on its head, from a feeling of fun to desolation? It is your right to think that, but I'd respectfully suggest that you cannot know for sure that other people wouldn't miss you. If other people can't fully comprehend how it feels for you, it must also be true that you can't know how it would feel for them. Given what you said prior to that comment, it's entirely possible that you would be missed. As I look at those two quotes I wonder if you feel absolutely certain about wanting to die as the words suggest a level of conflict about that line of thought. What would need to happen in your life for it to have meaning and purpose? We can all offer our thoughts, but only you can live your life, so it has to be personal. What do you want or need out of life and can you be 100% certain that all of your wants and needs will elude you forever? I hope these questions and comments make sense and I hope you accept them in the supportive way I intend. It may be true that therapists are paid, but anybody who takes time to read and reply on here is doing so in their own time with no financial reward. I hope that will mean something to you and you will keep talking to us. It's important to have an outlet when life seems so desolate. We all care.
It means exactly what it says, freshman year was fun. But then as I went through the summer, I just got depressed. Call it summertime sadness.. My family is lovely but..they are extremely difficult to get along with..Like..it will bring you to your knees and make you pull your hair out difficult to get a long with..But one of the tings that I really struggle with is love, I haven't had a boyfriend yet (I am gay) and everyone says that it will come...But..it hasn't and I feel like people just see me as some social pariah..Another thing where it stems from is definitely the fact that I am struggeling in school...and if I struggle too much..I will be kicked out. Which is my BIGGEST fear. Waking up day to day with this heavy cloud in my chest of depression is just downing me.
I know what you are going through. I know what it feels like to think you are a terrible burden to the world, ugly and fat, and that nobody cares about you unless you are paying them. I know what it's like to think you are useless. I know how horrible thoughts can consume your mind and make you want to leave forever. Unfortunately, these feelings don't just go away. Sometimes you need to cry for hours, of beat your head against a table, or just stare at a wall until you go insane. But don't end it. It may not seem like it, but so many people love and care about you. If you left, you'd take their hearts with you and leave them stranded. Although it may not seem like it now (and this is not exactly what you want to hear), but it is going to get better. Maybe you won't get that one guy, but you will find somebody who loves you for who you are, regardless of your size. You may not have the best grades, but that's no reason to just drop everything and give up. You may feel alone, but so many others feel the same way. Just stick it out, and you won't regret it. Write your thoughts down, listen to sad music, and cry in the shower, but keep pushing through. Talk to somebody close, and tell them everything you want. Ramble about stupid crap, and they will listen. Do whatever it takes to keep your heart pumping and you will find happiness. Stay strong and stay with us <3 I hope I have helped you
Ok man take a deep breath and get a friend or therapist you can vent to, it sounds like you are very depressed on the verge of suicidal. My junior year in high school I was homeschooled for like half a year. Get some proper medication too, I am now much more accepting of my body. I take paxil btw. Trust me life is better than it looks right now
Your college should have a counseling center. Go to them ASAP. Call their suicide hotline if you can't keep yourself safe.
