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Gay Nazi, I'm totally F*****

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, Sep 23, 2014.

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  1. Sam2

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    Today I stood before a judge, and explained what had happened. that someone was hurting my (at the time) transgender girlfriend, that my actions were not justified merely explained. He showed no sympathy for me, or the lgbt struggle, he even laughed. all of a sudden the inner demon came out. I said some words that I never thought would come out of my mouth. I said:

    "Figures a kike, like you wouldn't care about the legitimate troubles of a whole group of people. you're nothing but a Jewish, (these were my exact words) Nigger loving piece of waste; I see through your disguise! you want to bastardize the American blood with your horrid corruption and fake justice! But the American people will not fall for it you jewish cunt, WE WILL TRIUMPH!" I then gave the Nazi Solute and said "I have nothing left to say" I was held in contempt of court, and bailed out just an hour ago.

    I'm Jewish, I'm Gay, my best friend is black, and I have literally shed blood so people wouldn't be discriminated against. yet there I stood in a court room and gave the Nazi solute. since my release, I have listened to nothing but the Nazi German national anthem. I realize this isn't exactly oriented to homosexuality, but I'm so tired of being viewed as weak, I seem to have looked upon Hitler and his movement as "Strong"

    With my words in court there is no doubt in my mind that I will serve Jail time, and thats just it. there are real "Noe-Nazi's" in Prison and I'm scared that I will fall into the abyss of ignorance and hatred, permanently. I've worked too hard to let that happen but, In an attempt to hate myself, I seem to hate everyone else. I'm scared, I don't want to be pissed off the rest of my life, But this voice...... it keeps barking orders at me. and I love it, few people want to mess with a guy who wheres a swastika.

    idk what my question is: Has anyone here experianced a tremendous amount of hatred from themselves? Has anyone ever tricked themselves into believing that Hate is the way to go? these are just a few examples of questions. ANY and I do mean ANY advice, criticism, sympathy or hate is so much appreciated.

    I don't want to do a deal with the devil, but I'm starting to think I am hopeless.... please anyone talk to me :help:
     
  2. Feijoa

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    Hiya Sam2,

    I'm really sorry to hear you had such a hard time that lead to a harder time in a courtroom. Violence isn't the answer, but I get the anger. When I was about 15, I was sent to a summer camp where my best friend there had been kicked out because of breaking a curfew rule. I was fuming as it was so unjustified. I had a can of spray-paint and during a social evening event, had slipped away and wanted to spray the Nazi Swastika on a wall in a stairwell that I knew everyone would see after the event.

    I stood there for what seemed like an eternity holding an orange spray can and even pictured how it would look standing out against the white wall. I agonised over what this was I was feeling, and in a flash forward of events in mind suddenly thought about my Jewish friends, other people in general, and whilst I didn't think of the Holocaust specifically, or even at the time fully comprehended what a spray painted Swastika would represent (let alone the repercussions) deep down I knew it was something I couldn't do. It wasn't me. It wasn't how I truly felt. It was not a symbol I could embrace as a part of me. So in the end I threw away the spray can, without using it, and found other healthier means of dispersing of my anger. I was angry and sad at the whole situation for days, but over the weeks I was able to work those emotions out and process them. I am forever grateful that my inner voice withheld me from that moment of anarchy.

    Your outburst, I understand what led you to it. You can't rewind time to make it not happen, but your decisions over the next few days on how you progress, you can make significant to who you are. I get that you are angry at yourself, disappointed maybe at how the words just spilled uncontrollably from you - and things aren't fair, there are bigots and intolerant people; people who would rather hurt than understand or get to know a person or group of people - unfortunately, there will be those people.

    You aren't one of them though.

    Your actions that led you to court weren't weak. You have strong convictions about the rights of others, and we need people like you to stand up for others and show that as a group, together, we have rights like everyone else. We NEED you to be strong and confident about who you are and your place in this world. And being Hitler's bitch disciple isn't it.

    Hitler was weak. His only tactic was fear and brainwashing. He convinced an entire German population (barring a handful of true heroes) that the world revolved around a fantasy concept of purity. When the concentration camps were liberated, Germans were allowed to visit them for the first time - not having any knowledge they even existed. They saw the gas chambers, the human skin lamp-shades and the hatred surrounding them and many fainted from despair, or fell to their knees sobbing suddenly realising that they were a large part of the atrocities around them.

    Hitler was a coward who hid behind brainwashed masses, and generals - and in the end killed himself before he could answer for his crimes. You are not like him. You're not a coward, and you have a caring and a deeper understanding of tolerance than a Nazi - Neo or otherwise - could possibly ever comprehend.

    It is okay to hate what you said. It is okay to be angry at yourself. Rather than emulate the Nazis, draw inspiration from others - Laverne Cox, Chase Bono, Stonewall. There are people who have fought harder for equality and tolerance and have had to overcome mindless bigotry, violence and hatred who are far stronger than Adolf Hitler ever was. There is no comparison really.

    Is there a chance you can talk to the judge? Maybe he won't listen, but I think, even just for yourself, you need to speak or write to him. Even if you write to him without being able to send it, you should. You need to get your thoughts out.

    There are a lot of people who will take one look at that Swastika, pass judgement and either lash out with violence, or ignore you completely - even if you really needed help. The Nazi Swastika isn't a symbol of peace, tolerance and friendship - and those are the things you need in your life, not hatred and fear. That voice barking at you, is fear and intolerance, and you are capable of much much more. I believe in you, your actions speak volumes about your character, and that you are posting here tells me you can kill those barking voices and replace them with a better one.
     
  3. YaraNunchuck

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    Is this a joke? Because it's difficult to believe this really happened: that you are gay and jewish, have fought against discrimination, and yet made an incredibly fluent summoning of white power Nazi ideology in front of a judge in the form of a racist anti semitic screed and then made the Nazi salute. All for absolutely no reason. Your story is not plausible.
     
  4. Sam2

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    YaraNunchuck Nope, not a joke. think about it, pure anger is all I've felt. it doesn't get much angrier than Nazi's. My family is Jewish, I was expelled from the synagogue after vandalizing a torah. I could care less about my Jewish ancestry. as for the Gay part... Ernst Rohm (Gay Nazi). look him up. Incase you didn't read the post fully, or didn't understand entirely. My point is I'm not well and Idk what to do about it. It was not for no reason that pig judge laughed at me. And lately I've been more into Nazism under the false belief it is strong, I just lashed out in the most upsetting way I could. My story is not implausible but you don't have to comment on it.

    @Feijoa Thats very inspiring thank you, but I think i might already be down the drain
     
  5. Feijoa

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    Hi Sam2,

    I don't think you're down the drain just yet, perhaps in the little whirlpool, but not down the drain. You recognise that you've "been more into Nazism under the false belief it is strong" and I think you need to look at an opportunity here to talk to the judge about seeking some help for your anger. If not the judge, then someone you are in liaison with over your case. I think that is the place to start. You can tell them what you've vocalised here about fear, and the (false) empowerment of the Nazi Swastika as something to give you strength against others. You recognise this as all fallacy, and I believe you need to tell them.

    Oh, and Ernst Röhm was betrayed by Adolf who personally arrested him and a handful other leaders. Adolf had him executed because he didn't have the guts to do it himself to one of the most trusted allies he ever had. Because he was a coward. Nazism will turn its back on you too, so quieten those barking voices before it has a chance. Don't give it the satisfaction of turn-coating one of our allies. We need you on our side.
     
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