I hate being gay. I hate all of this. I just want to be normal. I wish I hadn't have come out, that I could jump back in the closet and just keep pretending forever. I feel like being a lesbian has completely relegated me to a life of loneliness. I just want to be straight, fall in love, have a baby. I feel like I can't have any of these things. I wish I were still in the closet so I could keep pretending and ignore the pain and dissatisfaction pretending caused. I'll never find someone, especially not in the state I live in now. I can't move out of state because of my career (I'd have to get certified all over again if I moved, let alone the cost of such, the terrible job market, and relearning local rules). I'll never be able to get married, I'll never be able to have my own baby. My friend sends me videos of her baby and it just hurts so much inside. Then part of me hates myself for not having come out when I was a teenager because maybe If I had done so theN My life would have taken a different path and I would have been able to fall in love with a girl who was stable and grounded and actually romantically attracted to women. I don't know. All I know is I have this perpetual hurt and longing inside. This emptiness. I don't even really have many friends in my state, let alone ANY romantic prospects. This area can maybe tolerate queer people but it definitely doesn't accept them.
I'm really sorry you feel so bad about yourself, and I understand how it feels since I used to be in that position. You can still have biological children if you're gay, but it might not be the same since you would still need a man's sperm (I think science is trying to develop more though).
I'm sorry you are going through some hard times with all of this, I don't have much advice or even if your looking for advice, but just thought I'd let you know I'm thinking of you and thought I'd give you a hug since it seems like you need one (*hug*)
I'm sorry you're not having a fun time. Give yourself a break and do something nice for yourself. When you're feeling a bit better about yourself look up some activity or class you might like to do/take. Something geared to women. Auto repair, running, cooking, poker? The more women you meet, the higher the chances some will be gay, right? Hope so. :] You're in the dolldrums. Try to meet some new people. Got to be some nice people out there.
You can still have babies if your lesbian ; I know for now you will hate it ,but you'll accept yourself some day , I know when your alone it makes you hate it more . I think what you need now is to find a local lgbt center in your town ,and find some people who are either dealing with the same thing as you are or people who already came out . I recently joined a coming out group at my lgbt center, and the people there have great advice and their helpful .
: ( I am sorry, op. I have lots of similar hatred frequently. What can help me is forcing out the "what if" thinking. We arent fortune tellers, it is out of our control. Maybe I would have found somebody if I came out at 16, maybe I wouldnt. It soinds similar for you. But it doesnt matter. Maybe things would be different if we came out sooner, maybe we would still be sitting here unhappy. Hell maybe we would be worse off. We cant know. So we have to focus on what we CAN change, do, and know. And its hard to believe but it will be okay. I want to say move but you say you would have to recertify, plus I think that would actually juat be post-poning or running away from what should ideally happen: therapy and/or joining a LGBT center, to work on the hatred and emptiness and bad feelings. I know it seems hard to believe but it can get better. You can have a baby. You can have a wonderful girlfriend. You are wonderful. Believe these things because they are true.
It's not easy, but it's not all bad. It's harder to find a partner, however if you do, you can be happy in a relationship, just like you would with a man if you were straight. And you can still give birth and raise a child together with a woman.
