So tired

I'm just so tied of everything being a fight. I was never man enough for my Dad, but he'd tell me I was stupid for wanting to join the Marines. I was always supposed to be quiet, unless he thought being quiet meant that I was pitying myself. Mom just wanted us not to make waves. They wondered why I was sad and angry. I was diagnosed BiPolar at 15, and it was only then I was told that Mom *and* Dad had extensive psychiatric histories. But more meds must be the answer, and of course I didn't get well fast enough. One session with a psychiatrist should be enough, right?

I was hospitalized for 5 months at 17. I told Dad some scary thoughts, next thing I knew I was in the back of a police car for an hours-and-hours long ride to a mental hospital. The cops asked why I hadn't slept? I thought I was going to jail!

I tried to tell them about my sexuality on a home visit. I wished I could be like Captain America, but I also wished I could be like female superhero - super hottie - Black Widow. I didn't know how else to say it. Dad just said I obviously need more meds.

Home again at 18. Declared disabled. I didn't even try to make friends for 5 years, and finally made some real friendships in 1999. My anime friends, with an anime store. I was out and about all the time, hanging out, trying to work, to live. But I knew I didn't really fit in. The female half of the store owner team wanted me, and I wanted her. She was married, but I still asked. She turned me down, then chased me for months and told me how I needed to be less passive. Then she found a boyfriend that looked so much like me that strangers asked if he and I were brothers. Then she canned me.

Nobody even talked to me for a month. I found a new therapist. Trying to get well, meds and therapy. My therapist was a woman in her 40s, and hot. Fun to talk to, caring. I fell in love with her. One day, she said it was our last session, she was quitting. Let's go out. She took me to her apartment, said my boyfriend is out. But I was scared, and I couldn't.

A few years pass, we moved to another town. Dad bought a new house, then got too sick to work. He died 4 months later. He kept wanting to talk to me, but there was literally nothing he had to say that I wanted to hear. Hey, I'm being quiet Dad. Lose the house, move to a shitty apartment with Mom. Get my first PC and internet in 08. A new life! Things to do, people to meet. Fell in love with a woman I met on a toy collecting site. She said I was perfect for her, but what she meant was I was perfect to dragoon into her plan of catching up with her bestie. Marriage and kids, as long as I got with the program. Get working, move across the country. Be Superman for her - she literally said that. After I attempted suicide, I finally realized, that when she told me she was my last chance or die alone, that I was better off alone. I broke up with her. She kept contacting me for 2-3 years.

Tried online dating. Got 2 nibbles and 1 date looking for a Sugar Daddy. Still had my anime friends, made new online friends. The pressures of denying my sexuality got harder to bear. Finally, a couple of years ago, i realized I was Bisexual, and it was time to admit it to myself or end it all. So I came out. Friends were shocked, but supportive. Mom surprised, but she just wants me to be happy. I *was* happy, for a month. My psychiatrist found out I had also come out on FB, said we should double my Abilify. Why not? She's a doc.

End of happiness. I'm a fucking zombie. Depressed, listless, anxious. A beloved friend from Australia drops me. She can't take the changes. My anime friends are disrespectful, distant, uncaring. My brother drops me in April. No one is talking to me. I quit all my meds, cold turkey. A month of withdrawal, but I'm clearer. I can think. I go a year isolated. This past March, I try once more with anime friends. Crash with them for the weekend. I get critizism, avoidance, disgust. They hope I wont embarrass them at our scale mode club meeting. I make a deal with one of them, to buy the extra anime doll he accidentally ordered, with next month. Get home, Mom's been manic, spent the bill money. Get that sorted, barely keep the electricity on. Tell my friends that things are tough, gonna need a month to recover. Can't buy the doll til June, sorry. They stop speaking to me, except for friend 'M'. June arrives, tell him I'm severely depressed. Stops talking to me for 10 days. I was last hospitalized for suicide attempt in 2011, back then he says "why didn't you call me? I'm here." 10 days of silence. Email from M -how you feeling? Still severely depressed. 10 days more silence. eMail from M. New Gundam DVD from Japan. You up for the weekend? No, still depressed, plus my sister has a crisis. Sorry.
10 more days of quiet. Email, hey want to see the new gun I bought? I didn't answer. Blocked his emails instead.

Lonely Summer. Lots of depression. Lots of suicidal thinking. Got to try something new. New neighbors in complex. Cool people, friendly young marrieds w/ kids. Take a chance. They ask, why aren't I married or dating, huh? Tell them. It's cool, they say get back out there, find a bed friend. You need to cuddle.

Find you all. Learn so much. Sexuality, Gender. That people still care. But it's so hard. I'm so tired. Will I ever get what I want? Thinking suicide. Decide to ask for help instead. Help me, please.

Sorry for all these words.

 

Thanks, Blossom. It means a lot.

Tomorrow, at the apartments, we're having a big Bash/Party. Our manager is a drummer in a rock band, and that should be neat.

Thanks for caring. I don't want to give up, I just don't know what to do next.

 

Thanks. You are more help than you know.

 

Thank you. I have literally never told all this stuff before, but some of it I never figured out before, either.

 

Yeah. Maybe I can get this sorted out now.

 

Thanks, Blossom. When I was at my worst tonight, I remembered you saying earlier to ask for help if I need it. So I did.

 

Thanks, Daisy. It means a lot. I'm trying to trust again.

 

Thank you Ashe. You've moved me to tears. I wont give up.

I have friends now. Thank you all, so very much.

 

Hey Everypony. I'm doing better now, thank you. Been a long, long day. I'm going to get some sleep. I'll be back in the morning, I promise.

Thank you all, so much. You'll never know how much it means.

 

Good Morning, Everypony. Up early, but I slept really well. Things look better already today. Thank you again for the support. I feel like there are happy days ahead soon, things to look forwards to.

 

Hi Blossom. Thanks again, I really do feel like a part of something at EC, and it feels wonderful to belong.