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I feel like a terrible daughter

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Tardis221B, Sep 28, 2014.

  1. Tardis221B

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    I'm having trouble forgiving my mom. (or at very least looking for support in not being able to forgive my mom right now)

    So since I've returned to school, I've found amazing support in my friends since coming out to them and I've been happily surprised by there receptiveness. But in all of this and through talking to my good friends and thinking things over more, I realized that I wasn't over reacting and that what my mother did to me over the summer was not okay. Her initial reaction when I came out to her isn't what bothered me, so much as how she acted in the weeks following.

    Over the summer I relieved my coming out conversation with her at least once a week. I was told it's just a phase. Asked what turned me gay. I listened to her homophobic rants about gay men. I came out to my dad before I was ready because I knew she needed someone else to talk to. I had my attractions to women written off as trivial. And I was told (freudian slip a week last week of august) "what would people think if both my kids were gay." I could go on, but I think you get the picture. (and of course between all of this would tell me that she loves me and is accepting.)

    When I was living with it I knew it was upsetting for me, but I didn't realize that her behavior wasn't ok and was borderline emotional abuse (there's other things she's said to me that aren't LGBT related that I didn't list) until just this month. It finally hit me just this past week that my mother is, or at least was, ashamed of having a gay daughter.

    Then 2 weeks ago she sent me a nice email apologizing for her initial reaction. It was very well intended, but what was frustrating for me was that she didn't realize that it was everything besides her initial reaction that was most upsetting. (and I told her this). She asked for me to give her a do over; a fresh start, but I just can't bring myself to forgive her and now I feel like I'm the one in the wrong.

    I need time away from her, even a 20 min conversation on the phone with her is painful. I feel like a terrible daughter for not forgiving her, for not being the sweet and caring daughter that she wants. I just could really use some support right now that it's ok not to forgive her at this moment. I know grudges aren't a good thing to hold, but I need time to be upset with her.
     
  2. WearyWanderer

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    Taking some time away wouldn't make you a terrible daughter. Just tell her you need to be alone for a bit to clear your thoughts. However, everyone deserves a second chance. As soon as you're ready, I would try talking with her again.
     
  3. Blossom85

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    I agree.. Taking time away and even having time to be upset with her doesn't make you a bad daughter at all.. You need the time to be upset so you can process it all and then be able to move forward with your relationship, you don't wanna talk to her when your still feeling conflicted and not at the point of forgiving her because then you might make things worse.. So don't feel bad for wanting to take time to think it all through and to have a little space. I think when you feel ready, talk it all through with her, but don't think you are a bad daughter, never think that Hun xx
     
  4. Tardis221B

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    Thanks guys :slight_smile: I really appreciate it.

    It's just rough. I call home about once a week, but even those short conversations are painful. I swear you could cut the tension with a knife. It's an even more bizarre feeling because for the first time ever I feel like I'm the one with the "power" in the relationship, and I can definitely sense the concern and regret in her voice, it just makes me feel even worse for still being upset with her.

    And I know I'm not a terrible daughter, but hearing things such as "why don't you want to spend time with me, X's daughter always spends times with her mom," or "Why aren't you more like X," or "why don't you spend more time with your friends" and having her imply that I don't have good friends, or having her hold a grudge against me for over a year because I didn't have the emotional energy to call her when she was in the hospital for an appendectomy, those all really take a toll.

    I'm finally realizing the things she's said to me are not ok, and I'll admit I do snap at her sometimes, and I feel bad for doing that. (I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the times.) However, neither my mom nor my dad realize that I have reason to be upset with her. My dad seems to be oblivious to her emotionally manipulative and abusive behavior, and to be honest I don't think she realizes it either.

    Being treated like I'm not good enough is hard enough as it is, but then I opened up to her (came out) in hopes of growing closer to her and I was met with the response of months of being treated like an integral part of myself was something to be ashamed of. That is not ok, and I agree that being upset with her because of her reaction does not make me a bad daughter, yet even though she's never said I'm a bad daughter the small things she says and does lets me know that sometimes she thinks that I am. And that really hurts.
     
    #4 Tardis221B, Sep 28, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2014
  5. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I understand you. Sometimes I have a hard time forgiving my Mom for things she said in the past, even though it wasn't as bad as your case and she's always supported gay people. I think some people just get so sensitive in regards to sexuality and oppression that forgiving is hard
     
  6. Kaiser

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    Story time, kiddies! Everybody gather 'round...




    My father and I, we don't really get along. Yes, we can be around one another, and yes, we can hold a conversation. But it won't be long before we drift into silence, or we start to debate something, and then the put-down jokes start being made. At first, they're fine, but they just keep coming, and they go too far. It's exhausting and annoying, but my father does this, because it is how he copes with tension. He cracks jokes, which sort of snowball out of control, and as a result he pushes away the problem. It's kind of ingenious really, but I don't want to talk about this... because this isn't my point exactly.

    The reason I mentioned that is, it is the relationship my father and I have. He and I, we've always been on the opposite end of stuff. He likes Roman history, I like Carthage history. He likes the Coalitions, I like Napoleon. He likes the Allies in the Two World Wars, and I like the Central Powers/Axis. It's weird how that worked out, but it is the easiest way to emphasize our relationship. We just don't really get along; and at best, we can only be around one another, for about 30 minutes, before the silence or put-down humor surfaces.

    Like your mother, my father was pretty emotionally abusive to me. He tended to think anything I liked, was either not good enough, or it wasn't the right way to go about life. No matter what I did, if it wasn't something he was into, it was insignificant or trivial. In my teens, several years after he divorced my mother, I lived with him for a little under a year. He and I would always talk about things, on television, and it'd turn into a ridiculous debate. I remember watching Jeopardy a few times with him, and one of the questions was about Hannibal crossing the Alps. I got it right, while my father said nothing, and when it was confirmed as correct, my father told me, " It's pointless to know that, because Hannibal lost. "

    I could never impress the man. The closest I ever came, was when I would get into fights, and he'd ask, when I'd come home, with bruises, bleeding, or torn clothes, " Well... *long pause* ... you win? ". Usually, I'd say yes, in a disgruntled tone, and he'd crack a smirk and say, " Well, good. That's how it should be. "

    But what he'd say, when I said no: " Then, get better. "

    It would make my blood boil...




    You're probably wondering, what does this have to do with my situation? Well, I'm glad you asked that!

    Here's the thing, baby girl. Your parents are a unique pair, and if they can fit into your life, so be it. Make it happen. However, if they cannot be sensible enough to accept you as you are, if they cannot be respectful enough to your life and the outcome of it, and if they cannot be loving enough to not play mind or emotional games, you need to cut them out. You don't have to totally isolate yourself, but make it more difficult. Always allow them a line of communication, but you choose when and how those end. You have to make them either accept you, or at least respect you enough, so that they don't keep "treating you like a little kid".

    But that is all common sense. It is harder to put into action, than to think it, though. I know this, I do this. But because I did this, my parents are, though it is ridiculously slow on my father's part, beginning to fall into an acceptable place. My mother and I, though we don't act like mother-child, we're at least able to speak to one another, without it being intentionally toxic or disrespectful. I've described our relationship as room mates, and to be honest, I doubt we'll ever get beyond that.

    All that said, here's the important part. Just something to think about:

    You've told your mother about your attractions. That can be a pretty loaded confession, and I applaud you for handling it. It's out there now, you don't have to hide it. In the meantime, be a model citizen. Be kind, be patience, be loving. Be the type of person, to your mother especially, that you would like to have her be. At first, it may not seem you are making any progress, but in due time, surely she'll catch on. If not, well, you'll have to live your life. Your parents should encourage and comfort you, not make you feel like a criminal, an idiot, or a lunatic. It might be harder, because of their unique relation to you, but it is better to be free and alone, than trapped and tolerated.

    Be who you are. A wonderful, intelligent, passionate young lady, and one day, maybe, just maybe, your mother will decide to reenter your life. As a mother, not a fucking nuisance. Until then, live, laugh, love.




    You have my best wishes and good vibes, as well as a One Free Backhand coupon. Good for one cash-in, where I'll backhand the shit out of somebody, who is giving you a hard time.


    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)​
     
  7. Tardis221B

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    Thanks Kaiser for your response, I really appreciate it. (*hug*)

    Your story definitely helps me to put things in perspective, and I'm sorry to hear that you've had a strained relationship with your parents too.

    My mom is making an effort and I appreciate that. Just yesterday on the phone she told me that she is reading more LGBT books, so I know she's come a long way since June, but it's difficult for me to forgive her easily. And now that she seems to be growing more understanding, I feel like I'm the one in the wrong because I'm still upset with her.

    I'm glad I've had my space, and I feel much better after not seeing my parents for a month. But I lied and told them that I would be too busy with homework to seem them over mid term break. I didn't want to tell them the truth, that I can't stand to be around them right now. My mom would be devastated if she knew that, and I don't think she'd ever forgive me if she knew the real reason I didn't want to see them in 3 weeks.

    The most frustrating part in all of this is that I've finally realized and accepted that I'm in love with my oldest, dearest straight best friend. I've had to limit the time I spend with her and I can't talk to her about these things too much. It's too overwhelming and heartbreaking to spend too much time with her. Thankfully, I have EC and my best guy friend to talk to, but its just an emotionally exhausting semester.