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A question about attractiveness

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by gibson234, Sep 29, 2014.

  1. gibson234

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    There are certain things in life that I want to achieve or obtain. One of those is to reach a high level in my career. That is looking very achievable right now. One is to be able to run marathons and eventually 100 miles a day. That is in earlier days but is looking very possible I have made a lot of progress on that front. But the one aim that is in serious doubt is finding a life partner (love).

    I suspect one day there will come an opportunity. A gay person who I'm attracted to, who is nice and we get on will appear in my life. However I fear I know what will happen. They will reject me based on my lack of attractiveness. I would not blame them for it. If your not attracted to someone your not attracted to someone. I think I must address this failure soon before I meet this person. I know I'm not attractive due to the high rejection rates on online dating sites.

    So this is my problem. If I lost weight, if I made myself smell better and wore more attractive cloths would that still only be pissing in the wind. Fundamentally I scared that I'm just too ugly. Maybe I've just got an awful set of genes. And my efforts would be for nothing.

    I'm not expecting you to say whether or not you think I'm attractive. Because I think that would give me inaccurate results. I just think my life would ultimately make me feel unfulfilled if I never find someone, regardless of how the rest of my life goes . I want a long term boyfriend if not a husband.

    What is your opinion on what I should do or do you think my thinking is flawed?
     
  2. TheStormInside

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    I know you're not asking for this but out of curiosity I looked at your profile, if that image is a photo of you you are perfectly good looking.

    That aside, I have a lot of insecurity about my appearance as well, and I had a similar mindframe in the past of "why bother?" I'm still going to be short and have a large nose and be awkward looking. Well, when I look around me, this is what I observe. People who put more effort into their appearance are still going to look better than they had done having not put any effort in. So personally now, as I'm very slowly creeping out of the closet, I'm also slowly trying to work on my appearance a bit. Dress better, lose a few pounds, maybe get a more flattering haircut. I know everyone says personality is what matters more in a relationship, and I totally agree, but you also have to be able to *attract* a person before they get to know you in many cases. Not all, I know, as you can develop romance from friendship, but many. And if you are more confident in your appearance, not only will you feel better about yourself, but the confidence itself will be more attractive to others.

    So, if you want to try to improve your look, why not give it a shot, and see how you feel about it? Even if it doesn't get you a boyfriend right off you'll likely feel better about yourself as a result, anyway :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lexington

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    My take on the whole "attractive" thing.

    Take a look around next time you're out and about. Try to determine what percentage of people you would classify as "attractive". Not as in "sure, I might date them" but as in "most people will find this person attractive". I'm guessing you're looking at about 1% of people there. The rest of us? We're in that big "normal" category. Not attractive, but not ugly. Average-ish. Which means yeah, we're not going to attract somebody from across the room, where their jaw drops and they're instantly in love.

    Thing is - that doesn't preclude us from dating, from having sex, from getting into relationships. Certainly a lot more than just that 1% of people manage to do it. It just means we can't wait for guys (or girls) to start lining up outside our doors. It means we have to get to know people, and win people over with our personalities in addition to our looks. Our looks end up being like boxes of cereal. People don't buy Wheaties because they love orange boxes - they buy it because they love what's inside. But then they learn to like those orange boxes, because it means Wheaties. :slight_smile: Similarly, the guys I've fallen in love with might not be "attractive" in that 1% sort of way, but they're attractive to me, because "that look" means "that guy", which I've grown to love.

    That said, I've had people state that this isn't enough. That they're only interested in the 1%, and only interested in somehow getting into that 1%. One told me "why the hell should I settle for somebody ordinary, or for being somebody ordinary? Why can't I be amazingly attractive, and have an amazingly attractive boyfriend?" And I guess you can, if that's what you want to spend a lot of your time and money and resources on. But my response is that I don't think going the other route is in any way "settling". I didn't move in with my partner because there wasn't anybody else hotter I could land. I did it because I fell in love with him. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. gibson234

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    Thank you. I might give it a shot it might help my confidence about my appearance. That was a good post I enjoyed reading it.

    ---------- Post added 29th Sep 2014 at 10:02 PM ----------

    I know what you mean about the 1% and I'm under no illusion that I will never get there. I think you need either great genes or plastic surgery. I don't necessary want to be part of this 1% nor need to date someone in the 1%. But I think there are other levels below this. I want a boyfriend who I'm attracted to and I want him to be attracted to me. Is this a reasonable desire I don't know. You could argue that it isn't. But it's a desire that's deep inside me to the point where I can't just deny it. And to be completely happy I think it needs to be fulfilled.

    On other note I thought the bit about your boyfriend was sweet.
     
  5. SeaSalt

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    I know its not what you asked for but you are attractive. If I were to see you in public I would avoid eye contact and become really conscious of my hands, I really mean that. For the record I have a similar issue with my body in the sense that for some reason I crave being the typical "Twink". I have long since given up after realising that it is physically impossible for me to be thin, small and lankey. Im just too damn huge!

    (Should point out that I am happier after giving up on unrealistic expectations for myself)
     
    #5 SeaSalt, Sep 29, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2014
  6. AKTodd

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    I can't speak to how you may smell, but assuming you engage in an average level of hygiene and don't have any body chemistry conditions, I doubt you smell all that different from anyone else.

    If you're training for marathons, you're pretty much guaranteed to lose weight, so that issue seems likely to take care of itself. Although I have some doubts about the feasibility of running 100 miles per day and still having time to do anything else. Or being a human being for that matter (is that even humanly possible?).

    I'm not given to caring much about clothes so don't have an opinion on that - but if you think you will find it satisfying or helpful to dress differently, then go for it. But don't lose yourself and your personal style in the process.

    Having said all that, and aiming to be perfectly honest, I rather think your thinking is flawed.

    Specifically, I suspect that even if, through whatever means, you suddenly were transformed into whatever your physical ideal happens to be...there's an excellent chance you still wouldn't be happy with your appearance.

    I say this, because I suspect that your feelings of inadequacy/ugliness in this regard come from someplace much deeper and older than whatever experience you may have had with dating sites. In a nutshell, if you don't really like yourself at the most fundamental level, no amount of changing yourself, at least in terms of just physical appearance, is ever going to make you feel 100% better. Exactly what you might do about that, I'm not sure, but I suspect it will involve some amount of therapy aimed at learning to like and accept yourself..

    And finally, and although you said not to: I also looked at your photo and you aren't ugly. I've no idea what you're putting on your profiles on those dating sites, but I don't think it's a case of your appearance scaring people off. Or even anything in particular scaring people off.

    I rather pre-date the whole dating site/dating app thing, but I have friends who use them as well as the whole texting thing and I'm increasingly coming to think that they are counter-productive as a means of meeting someone. They seem to promote a type of behavior I've found myself engaging in when looking at internet porn - call it 'just one more syndrome'. I may need to go do something, but if looking at pictures - I'll just look at one more. And then one more. And then one more. Because you know, this one is really nice, but the next one (or the next, or the next) might be even better.

    Basically, when it requires no effort to keep hunting for something that appeals to you, combined with a gigantic number of options, I rather suspect most people just keep hunting and hunting and hunting and not stopping to actually try anything. Because the ease of looking fosters the delusion that 'perfection' must be out there in a neat little package - which is just that - a delusion.

    In other words - don't let your experiences with dating sites influence you. They are likely a totally rotten indicator of either your appearance or your chances at meeting someone.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  7. EpicConfusion

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    I would guess that most people on dating sites are probably only concerned about finding someone who looks ridiculously good and not worried about personality. I truly believe that if you be yourself, someone will find you attractive fr who you truly are. Don't change yourself. Be true to you, and that special person will come along some day. Confidence is really important, so maybe you should work on learning to love yourself and go from there :slight_smile: *hugs*
     
  8. SextonOutlaw

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    'Ugly' and 'attractive' are not only subjective as hell, they're states of mind.

    What you feel is what you are--long before anyone else comes to the table.

    have dated people who were not the 'typical' recognized form of 'attractive' but were beautiful to me. My personality and spirit has made me attractive to people in circles where that individual would never have taken interest in me. I have known 'average' or even (considered) 'unattractive' people who had so much positive attitude and charm that they could get anyone they want.

    If your lack of positive self-esteem is holding you back, it's self-love you need..in addition to maybe making the changes you mentioned (odor, style, etc.)

    Finding someone is work, like anything else, and how much you are willing to put into it speaks to how committed you are.
     
  9. gibson234

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    Where would I put this work into?