I was a severe tomboy from grades 2-4. I literally wanted to be a boy, I rewired myself to think and act like a boy but I also can remember have crushes on boys in my grade and especially older boys, and then again I can remember also rarly having crushes on girls as well, but back then it was rare. When I hit puberty I started liking boys more and and more I wanted to be more girly and as I got older I turned out to be your average, homecoming attendant, most attractive winning, girl. I love attention from guys, I loved to feel desired by them and I love the idea of a mans strong touch. I love getting dolled up and have men stare at me but I also fined enjoyment of girls I know that are bisexual to desire me as well, not because I want to hookup with them but for what reason I can't really explain. I guess it's a confidence boost maybe? Anyways, I have been In a 4 year, on and off, relationship with my boyfriend who I love and I fell for him so hard when we got together. He's beautiful and satisfied me sexually until I gained weight and got depressed then I started being self concious about everything bout myself including my sexuality and this is the worst it's been. I stopped wanting to have sex or anything. I just didn't want it. It has gotten better but we still don't as much as we once did. In highschool I was always fairly happy. Like I said I was in an on and off relationship with my current bf the whole time. I remember me hating certin girls cause he talked to them and we broke up for some while and I chased around this jerk of a guy and even halfway cheated on my boyfriend with him. We did stuff but never further than kissing and him feeling me up, which I liked. I wanted to have sex with him I just was to attached In that way to my first love. This jerk guy was a guy who I had a crush on for about 3 years. He made me nervous and everything. He was beautiful and I wanted to jump all over him. He had the body of Taylor Laughter... BUT he was a moron loser so I got over it and I stuck with the guy I truely love. My first boyfriend. He has been my rock throughout life, he knows everything about me and I love him so much. I have dreams of a future and a family with him but I can't help but wonder if I'm actually bisexual lately. So I have always had infatuations with girls, 95% of the time, with a small exception where I have thought a girl at school was hot, it is famous girls. In 7th grade I had a Megan fox obsession and I wanted to look like her so bad because she was sexy and hot, but the weird thing is, I actually was attracted to her like I should be a boy or even more. All my little girl obsessions are usually me thinking they are extremely sexy but also me wanted to look like them and be them. I know it sounds like just admiration but feeling attracted in the way I feel towards those celebs is not a way a girl should feel. I do Find men attractive but when I look at their pictures on like I think "oh he's sexy" but I don't just drool over them but in person it's different, if A smoking hot got was to kiss me and grab my ass, it would be on... If you know what I mean. I get more visually stimulated by certain girls but I'm more turned on by a mans touch rather than just watching him on tv or a picture. My latest and worst obsession is Olivia Wilde. My boyfriend knows about this might I add but to me she is the hottest HUMAN on this planet, boy or girl. I have fantasized about her before and I would have never been okay with actually having sexual relations with a girl or a relationship, but I defiantly would with that woman....but here's the weird And confusing thing. I admire her as well, If I had a chance to be or look like anyone it would be her. I just don't understand how I can't be overly attracted to another girl but also want to be like them. I don't obsessed over men on tv and watch all their shows like I would these girl crushes. It's like they turn me on but yet they motivate me to, say, go workout or just better myself. I feel like i need to add this in as well, Me and my mom never got along that great in a way a mother and daughter should. She has ALWAYS been a classy but a very very tough woman. We never really had boy talk or anything of that nature. Sometimes it feels like I'm never good enough. As a child my real father died so I grew up with a step dad that I never could fully connect with. He raised me as his own but I just can't see him as my real father. I have no idea what I am. I was okay with not labeling myself for the longest time and half the time I never even noticed my unusual girl attractions but my anxiety in on a all time high and self esteem is at an all time low. All of this questioning myself is making me feel like I'm just a fake straight person. Thought I would never date a girl, except Olivia....lol, I feel like they are more attractive than men sometimes visually but I still want a family with a husaband and kids and that special relationship with a man. And also, vaginas gross me out but I am like totally turned on by a penis. I like to see men get aroused and especially if it's by me. I just hope someone can help me out. Am I straight but my boyish ways as a child and constantly surrounding myself around boys make me learn to notice girls? And the relationship with my mom bring on the admiration and obsession? Or possibly my father being absent have something to do with this? Or am I just simply bisexual and fancy girls more than the average girl would? I'm not sure at all. I don't want to come out as bisexual. I just want to feel normal because now I feel like an alien around my girl friends. I'm always obsessing over the fact that I could be lesbian. I have had issues with a OCD in the past. I just need some answers. Also I need to add that other than my boyfriend I have ne'er had sex with another guy, I have wanted to but didn't act because Im loyal like most girls would be. Maybe I need to be with other men to explore my sexual desires towards men. Anyway...I need some feedback! Thanks.
