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Help.. I've fallen in love!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by James88, Oct 6, 2014.

  1. James88

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    Hi,
    I'm a 26 year old closet gay and still struggling to accept it, so I decided to take a break and travel to Australia for a year in hope that it could help me get over it and accept who I am.
    I'm currently 2 months into my travels, I'm here with a friend from home who I've only known for a short time, but now fear that I've fallen in love with him!
    We have a really good friendship, we have a lot in common, constantly make each other laugh and like spending time in each other's company.
    I've always thought he could be gay, but since we arrived in Australia I'm now not so sure. He spends a lot of time at night texting his ex and he's always very popular with girls when we go out clubbing.
    Im really struggling to work him out though, there are moments when I catch him gazing at me and when he's drunk he has a habit of getting very touchy feely. He has even started calling me by little pet names when we are alone! I've jokingly made gay references in the past when he's said or done something a little queer and he gets very defensive. I asked him outright a few weeks ago wether he was gay, his body language completely changed to defence mode, he went bright red told me to f**k off and had a complete look of denial all over his face (which is exactly the same thing I do when someone asks me!)

    Because of my feelings I fear that I'm now trying to convince myself he's gay and that there is something to cling onto.

    I have tried to instigate a "moment" by flirting with him..But nothing ever seems to happen even though I get the impression he is flirting back.

    If he's not gay then I think I can deal with it, but what I can't deal with is the fact that I'm in love with someone and i dont know how to tell them. If I was out them I'm sure it would be easier, the fact is that no one knows who I really am and last thing I want to do is ruin whats supposed to be the trip of a lifetime by declaring my undying love for him. If I tell him I'm gay Im scared he will freak out and so something drastic like go home!

    I know I need to get over it/him!

    I literally have no one to talk to as none of my family or friends know I'm gay so this is something completely new to me. If anyone can offer some advice??

    Thanks
     
  2. King

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    Hi James,

    May I ask the reason why you have not come out of the closet? Where are you originally from? Is it an unaccepting place for gay people or are you worried about family?

    At first I don't think it is wise to tell him that you love him, as you may scare him off. I think you should probably come out to him (miss out the part about loving him) because if he is such a good friend then he will accept you.

    Once you have come out to him then he may come out to you. He may not, which means he could be straight or in denial, but you shouldn't pressure him and instead make him feel uncomfortable.

    It is your decision, but I think coming out to him about being gay (nothing more) is definitely the right thing to do and from then you can see his response.
     
  3. James88

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    Hi,

    Thanks for your reply.
    I'm from the uk. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be gay where I'm from and most people are accepting. But, at the age of 20 I made the decision not to come out and to try and live a 'normal' lifestyle. I suppose another reason for me not coming out is mainly due to trust issues. I find it difficult to trust people, and I think that now I'm 26 it could be difficult for my family and friends to understand and there would be more questions.

    Regarding coming out to my friend, I don't feel that I'm at the stage in our friendship where I can tell him. I'm just scared that because of the circumstances (being in another country with nowhere to hide) it would ruin our friendship and almost certainly drive us apart. Do I risk what I have now by telling him I'm gay? or do I keep quiet and hope that I fall out of love with him?

    I completely agree with not telling him about my feelings towards him. It's just so hard to keep my feelings to myself and I'm scared that I might say it do something when I'm drunk and not in control.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    James, you don't say how long you have been friends, but it must have crossed his mind that you might be gay if you are not showing any signs of interest in the opposite sex. Has he never asked you what you look for in a date? How do you conceal your true self from him when you spend so much time together? I understand the lengths that people go to when they are in the closet, but it must be very difficult to sustain.

    It doesn't matter what age you come out at, there will always be questions. The fact that you are 26 is not significant in this - even if you were 19 or 20, the questions would still arise. Sometimes people ask questions to clarify, sometimes it's curiousity. We often forget that the majority of people just don't know what it's like to be gay. So if/when you decide to come out, don't be too disturbed by the questions.

    You are two months into a twelve month holiday and you will be spending a lot more time together yet, so the reality of his feelings may yet surface. Just be aware that it may not be the reality you are hoping for. I would avoid challenging him again as that will make him defensive and if he is gay or bi, it could push him further into his own closet. Maybe you need a more subtle approach and perhaps just talk about his preferences in dates/relationships, without specifying gender.

    If you are going to great lengths to hide your true self from him, I would try to ease up on it. That doesn't mean going to extremes and coming out in a blaze of glory, just to stop pretending (if you are doing that).

    I don't know what you think about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he asks you about your sexuality at some point. Have you thought about how you would respond if he asks you?

    Come back to us and tell us your thoughts. You can be your true self here and that may help you a lot.
     
  5. James88

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    Hi Patrick,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I've known this friend for just short of 2 years. We didn't really socialise back home, but both shared an interest in travel so decided to commit to traveling together.
    Even though I have this huge secret I still feel I can be myself around him, I just have to be careful not to pass comment on anything which might ring any alarm bells.

    He has already told me he thinks I'm gay and commented saying "I think you're the sort of person who would hide it" but after having years of similar sorts of accusations I'm now somewhat of an expert in playing it down, even though I'm dying to say yes I am!

    I don't know if he still suspects as we have since had conversations about previous relationships. To throw him off the scent I'll occasionally comment on an attractive female who might walk past us, or have a typical 'lad' conversation. I know that people will strongly disagree with how I may act, and cover up my true identity, but it's something that is now almost second nature and as sad and pathetic as it sounds -pretending to be someone I'm not is my life.

    I just think that because of the things I might have said in the past about gay people, my constant denial and this charade I play on a daily basis, the people close to me may think I'm sick.
    You nailed it when you said people don't understand what it's like to be gay!
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Well, I don't think you'll get judgement or criticism for most members of this forum. A good many of us have played the game and maintained a charade... some of us for a lot longer and to a greater extent than you. If you read back through the Later in Life section of Empty Closets, you will see that. You'll also see some inspiring and courageous personal stories that may give you hope and inspiration.

    Self denial is a very powerful thing, but don't believe you will never conquer it. When those [coming out] words are so close to being spoken there is an inner voice trying to tell you something. You can suppress that voice for a while, but eventually it will become so loud that the words spill. I don't know if that leaves you feeling hopeful or scared? My personal experience is that the reality is not nearly as bad as the anticipation, but you have to believe that yourself.

    Many people use this forum when they feel stuck, like you are, and many come out the other side. Keep coming here and talking things through James. You may appreciate the outlet for it all.