When your ENTIRE plight does not exist,

Hello Ray. I'm really pleased you have joined Empty Closets and I hope you will continue to use this forum when you can as an outlet. Remember, you can be yourself on here and nobody will judge you for being gay. You must feel so isolated and alone where you are, so stay connected by talking to us. You are not our only member from the Middle East.

Apart from your job, it sounds like there is very little to keep you where you are, so I'm wondering if the thought of leaving and claiming asylum has ever crossed your mind? If not, what are your thoughts about doing this? Much of Europe is secular in its thinking so there would be no religious pressure to conform if you were minded to go there and I think the same would be true of the US, Canada, Australia and New Zealand.

 

Hi Ray
Your life must be really hard to live, I really can't imagine how it could be to endure such pressure...
I agree with PatrickUK, that's actually the first thing that came to my mind. I think you should save up and just leave. There doesn't seem much point in staying ; you can either stay in your country and be very unhappy and lonely forever, tell your family and get desowned and be at risk of getting caught, or leave, and be happy. Don't forget you will always be able to go back to see your family again.
Or you could even go on a long "vacation", for like a few months you know? It might help you decide wether you're ready to actually move to another country or not.
You can actually be openly gay in most developped countries without much problems, and can even get married in many English speaking countries like New Zealand, Canada, The United Kingdom, some U.S States, South Africa, and Australia but I'm not sure.
Plus, you seem to handle English pretty well, and that's a great advantage.

I really don't see what's keeping you back. I know you have your whole life there, your family, your friends, your job.. But you can make new friends, maybe find an even better job, keep in touch with your family, and most of all find love and be happy!

 

It's not that easy to move to another country, especially when it means possibly cutting off all ties to family, friends, etc. In many cases it may no longer be possible to go back, and trying to get asylum can be a difficult process. However, if the alternative is death or imprisonment it's certainly worth looking into.

Most if not all countries in the EU will accept homosexuality as a reason for asylum if it is persecuted in the country of origin. You may need to prove that you are homosexual, though, and it's not necessarily simple. Some parts of the US are more tolerant than others, I would look at a liberal area like the Northeast, California cities like San Francisco and Los Angeles, or Washington State. If you have skills and know English, Canada is also worth looking into...it might even be possible to get in there without asylum.

if you prefer to stay in your country...would it be a possibility to find a lesbian wife as a "cover" for both parties? I wouldn't be surprised if that happens more often than anyone knows.

 

Emotional support can be received from other people besides your family. And it would be the unconditional kind given by people who know you as you really are, not as you are pretending to be. You've already said your family would remove their emotional support if they knew who you really are.

Right now, based on what you are describing, you are at risk all the time and feel emotionally unsatisfied. While it would certainly be a lot of work to move elsewhere - the time involved would still only add up to a small percentage of your life before moving to a situation that would be much better for you. The alternative is to spend the rest of your life in a situation where you are unhappy and constantly at risk.

Perhaps there are ways to seek asylum in secret?

Todd

 

This is a really difficult situation, but for sure you are not alone. From random conversations with a few gay exiles here in the UK, I understand some middle eastern countries are generally better than others for LGBT people - Oman, Egypt, Lebanon & Turkey are considered better than most - although being *openly gay* in the western sense is still pretty much impossible.

I don't know, I'm no expert. What I do know is that the toll this is taking on your own health is probably massive, you've got to try to find a way to reach out.

All the best.

 

Hello Ray..

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! You've taken a brave step in reaching out, and I'm glad you did. I will share my experience, perhaps it will give you some hope and encouragement.

I met my current partner online. She lives in Canada. I spent a few months getting to know her, and then I planned a visit to Canada. I brought everything I may need, including birth records, job records, anything pertaining to my life (just in case). I was told that if I stayed over six months, that I should contact my consulate, which I did. Close to a year, my partner and I applied for sponsorship, which is to say, she would be my support system while in Canada. As long as you remain in Canada, this shouldn't delay your sponsorship process. If you are found ineligible for sponsorship, then your application will be put through in consideration for residency.

One thing to note, which I wasn't aware of...it's a good idea to have a visitors visa...you can always apply for an extension for this when necessary.

I believe that Canada has rules in place, whereby if you're going through persecution, they can help you. I didn't have cause to investigate these further, but I'm sure there are some helpful avenues you can research.

Another thing to note...sponsorship doesn't necessarily have to be with a partner. Perhaps a sympathetic friend has a heart to help, and can sponsor you. I'm not quite sure of the logistics, but that's another thing to research.

Please don't despair! No matter what, you're never alone. People do understand, and are willing to care. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you!(*hug*)

 

Only you can decide what to do with your life Ray, but I guess it comes down to, what is the least worst option for you? To remain where you are with this enduring feeling of self denial, secrecy and all of the associated pain (but the continuing support of family) or to explore the possibility of moving to a place where you can be fully human and live with authenticity and no secrets. It's a terrible dilemma isn't it?

I can't comment on the qualifying criteria and licensing process for medical doctors in the UK, but I can say with certainty that a significant number of brilliant doctors working in our NHS qualified outside of the UK and made the move. My own GP is Egyptian. With your qualifications and a genuine case for asylum, I don't think it would be an impossibility for you to relocate as you would be 'giving back' to the new country.

The fact that you came here to Empty Closets with this issue tells us how much it is weighing you down now. There is only so long a person can sustain that level of inner torment before it begins to affect them personally, socially and professionally. Eventually, it will tell Ray.

I don't want to appear to be telling you what to do and I certainly hope it hasn't come across that way. Nobody can live your life for you, but I can sense how much this is tearing you apart right now.

Please stay with us and keep talking. Use us for a different kind of emotional support.

 

If you don't want to leave, you might want to consider working towards change in your own country. I know it's difficult, and very dangerous, but the only way that things can change is when people on the inside are willing to take risks to make it happen. Change can't be forced from outside, because that only increases resistance to it. It might not help you individually, but it might help those who come later. It took many years for the West to start accepting homosexuality as a normal thing, and there are still many who don't accept it.

If you are in a country where religion is strong, one way to change things is by working to increase the power of secular influences. For instance, helping progressive women fight for more equality -- which will probably have to happen before anyone can start thinking about gay rights. Another way is by supporting secular politicians and leaders, people who are progressive. It's up to you. You're already taking steps by writing here, but we can only help so far (for instance, by advocating for asylum).

 

Hi GR, welcome to EC!

As others have said, there are countries that will grant asylum for gays in homophobic countries. Yes, getting a medical license elsewhere is bloody difficult, there are too many cases of doctors driving taxis, even in my own country, but the alternative: risking your life and your professional livelihood every day to be who you are seems to many of us, unbearable and unacceptable.

I agree, we have no idea what it's like for you there, and we can't fathom what it means to leave friends and family for an uncertain future, but you must admit, that sooner or later, either by carelessness, or by active police tactics to trap homosexuals, you run a high risk of getting caught...

Your family is your identity, we get it, it is for all of us. But there is a reason many LGBT folk refer to their own network of LGBT friends and relationships as "The Family", you need to believe that we exist in places where we look out for each other, we see ourselves as brothers in an often hostile world, even in more liberal countries such as mine.

For you, the "least bad option", as PatrickUK alluded to, is to leave, and soon. There are no guarantees that you will be better off in the short term, but at least, you will be alive and free to be yourself.

What is that worth to you?