I wish I could be confident in my sexuality.

I admit, I speak to a lot of gay guys online and go to a lot of gay chatrooms. I admit I browse gay porn every day and look at gay pictures. I have a mild crossdressing fetish. The problem is I don't really feel comfortable labeling myself as gay or bi. Whenever someone asks me online if I'm gay I just say I'm "non labeling". I would feel much more comfortable if I could say I'm gay with confidence. Honestly I don't really look at much porn of females at all. However I can't imagine myself being married to anything other than a girl because guys grow out of muscular twink mode after their 20s and old guys gross me out. So it just makes me uncomfortable that I'm so interested in guys, I mean like really interested in guys, yet I don't feel comfortable with calling myself gay, which I would be proud to do. I'm afraid that if I do I'll become more of a target to other gay people as opposed to girls who are everywhere and have it easier. Gay guys are invisible. I saw a couple of guys holding hands on the street and I wish it could be me.

 

I haven't really ever had feelings for anyone. On several occasions I see a guy that turns me on. Most of the time though I look at a guy and I feel very put off. If they aren't thin, have nice hair, and stuff like that. The regular macho guys just look very off putting to me. Then as for girls, I don't really have any interest in girls. I haven't really looked at a girl any time in the recent past that I could remember where I felt turned on by them. The problem is though, I feel more comfortable with the idea of getting intimate with a girl than I do a guy. I just mostly have a preference for guys, but most guys don't fit the bill. I don't have friends, and I certainly don't have any gay friends. So I don't really have anyone to relate to or have some grounds to tell what is normal about me and what isn't.

 

I'm 20.

 

It could possibly be because I've never had romantic attraction to anyone. Although, I have been romantically attracted to one person I know online. A very gorgeous MTF girl who I get along really well with who also really turns me on. I sure hope that some day I can feel romantically attracted to someone afk. I hope that I can find someone who I love for who they are more than how they look. In general I have a really hard time getting to know people so I don't know how I could change that.

 

I already have a therapist. I'm not sure what type of therapist would be necessary. I'm not sure if I would be comfortable asking my mom to go see a sexuality therapist either. It's not that they're conservative. Hell, they would support me if I decided to change genders and my name and stuff (not that I want to but they would be supportive). I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it because I don't fell confident in it myself. I do have a therapist already however that just talks to me about general problems. They don't really help me discover stuff about myself though. They just help me solve general issues with finding doctors, talking about my stress, helping me with getting in touch with agencies and school and stuff. I don't even talk to her about my sexual tension though. I don't know if she would even be qualified to help.