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I don't feel "gay enough?"

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by SensesFailX, Oct 10, 2014.

  1. SensesFailX

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    So for a year or more know I've fairly well known that I'm gay or gay leaning. However I just don't feel "gay." Do I want a relationship with a guy? Yes. Would I prefer a guy? Yes. But the thing is I'm not turning my head at every guy that comes my way, flirting or anything like that. Very few guys actually attract me but when they do its powerful.
    But see the thing is, I don't feel like it seems I should. All the other gay guys I know have high pitched voices, im low pitched, they like pop music, I like metal, and basically everything about us is different. I don't really feel much in common with them and how sexual they are, and not because they're more stereotypically gay than me, but because we have different personalities altogether.
    Is it normal to be gay but not be very sexual or effeminate? Because I'm not like that and I honestly really don't wanna come out unless I know for sure
     
  2. Jax12

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    What you're feeling sounds like what anyone else would be feeling, to be honest.

    You'll hear people/friends say "damn, he/she is hot!" or "Right in the pussy!" But the truth is, finding someone that you actually like is not as simple as appearance. Those "few guys" are the ones you want to keep your eye out for.

    You aren't associating yourself to a certain group of gay men, and that's fine. Everyone is different. It just takes that special someone to get your attention.

    I think this alone is all you need. You know that you would like to have a relationship with a guy, one that involves the sexual and emotional attraction. You don't have to feel extremely gay in order to like gay people. There are flamboyant gay men like i mentioned, and there are masculine gay men (essentially, guys that you wouldn't expect to be gay). If you already know your orientation I think that's one huge weight off your shoulder.

    Hope that helps.
     
  3. SpaceSuit

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    To me, it sounds like you're trying to fit into a mold that just doesn't apply to you. I have the same problem. Do I love women? Yes. Do I find them all attractive? No. It sounds like you have a type and that's okay. It doesn't make you not gay to only have your head turned by certain guys. Also, not being effeminate or whatever doesn't make you not gay. I like all the things straight girls like and I look like one. Unless I tell a person, they have no freaking clue that I'm attracted to girls. That doesn't make me not gay, it just makes me a little outside the stereotype box. Same as you. Don't let comparing yourself to others make you feel like you aren't "gay enough". That's silly. Even though I do understand where your doubts are coming from. I had the same thoughts about ten years ago when I first started coming out. Basically, if you like dudes, you're gay (okay, that's a bit over simplified, but there you have it). :slight_smile:. Hope that helps.
     
  4. Hungry

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    The stereotypical gay community or at least some perceptions of it don't fit with your personality. That's fine, doesn't mean anything, you're as gay as you feel! :slight_smile:

    You should stay true to who you are, otherwise what's the point? You start accepting yourself but still try to force yourself into a cookie-cutter at the other end of the spectrum, that's not gonna make you any happier.

    In time you'll make friends either online or in the local community that are more on your frequency by being yourself its more appealing and will not help you build stronger relationships but is more likely to aid you in securing a more intimate relationship rather than a one-night stand if your not feeling super sexual at this point.

    As for not being very effeminate or highly sexual - just because that's the norm most regularly portrayed in society about the community doesn't mean it's all the community has to offer. It's more that people tend to find it easier to identify with those traits especially when they're younger and want to find their place in the community.

    It's not necessary to behave in that way and there are a ton of other different 'types' that have been coined over the years, like Bears, Wolves, Jocks etc.

    Something or someone will resonate with you in time :slight_smile:
     
  5. Alt

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    I am not that effeminate or sexual, I usually don't even look at people, not to mention guys! I'm an introvert and all these other labels that basically mean I'm a loner, yet I am 100% gay. I might never fit in to the club or gay scene, but it doesn't mean that I'm a heterosexual.

    If you like guys and would like to be in a relationship with them, you're basically gay (basically is added in order to acknowledge sexual fluidity and all that). I asked my councilor the same thing, you might just have a lower sex drive than others.

    Also, you might bond with those gay guys. I did, even if it's just guys you have in common, it is nice to talk to another gay person.
     
  6. AAASAS

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    I'm gay, but don't feel I match the "stereotype", at all. But I do find like 85% of guys hot, so I think that is enough to call me gay.
     
  7. black-cat

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    Ofcourse you can be gay and not fit the stereotype of being a "camp twink" or having a high voice and such. Just as you can be lesbian and not be butch or masculine, you can be a gay man and not fit the stereotype.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Gay guys come in all shapes, siE and personalities, just like straight guys. While some do fit the stereotypical bill, I fidn that the vast majority fall outside this perception. Be comfortable with yourself, no need to conform to what you think is gay, just because that's how it's portrayed elsewhere.
     
  9. photoguy93

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    You just have to be who you are - however, doesn't mean the guys who are effeminate are any less equal to you. Doesn't mean they are weird or odd - it's just who THEY are.

    I am not a straight acting "gotta watch football on the weekends and act like I just had a whole stream of p*ssy in my bedroom" kind of guy. It's not me.

    Just be you!
     
  10. dragon20

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    Jax I totally agree. And Senses, I know exactly how you feel. I'm gay but I don't really look or sound like it. I have a deeper voice and I like metal music. I don't really have very many gay friends in real life but most of my gay friends online are like you describe. Just know that there are others out there like you. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Lexington

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    I've never been one to ogle guys or rubberneck. Just never was in my programming. I also wear sports jerseys and jeans, and go to sporting events, and a bunch of other stuff that makes me "non-stereotypical". The thing is - no gay guy has ever given me grief about any of that. They're well aware that just because I'm not "gay acting" doesn't mean I'm not gay. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. joshy the queen

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    you dont have to be someone else to be gay thats totally wrong
    i feel for you though i used to feel and sometimes people make me feel that im not a man because im not manly enough and that is so not true same goes for being gay you dont have to be a queen to be gay you can be who ever you want to be its your life
    also why not try and make some friends with some guys you know are gay you never know even if you dont have things in common they might help you with some stuff in your life and fill a missing part
     
  13. stocking

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    I don't fit the stereotype of a lesbian doesn't make me feel any less lesbian , look being gay is just only having sexual attraction to the same sex , it has nothing to do with the way you dress . You don't have to be an effeminate to be a gay man say way I don't have to be butch to be a lesbian . We're all different