I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 18 months and I'm mad for her and she tells me she's mad for me too. When we're together it's like nothing I've ever known and I believe what she says. She's met my parents and all of my friends know about us, however that's not the case for her. I'm out, however she isn't. I understand her reasons for not being and I don't want to push her, I wouldn't dream of forcing anyone to come out of the safety of their closet when they're not ready. Sometimes though I wonder if I'm just being played. When we're out with friends who don't know about us we have to keep up appearances of being nothing more then friends. At what point do I walk away? Do I walk away? Do I stay and 'play along' when out with others?
If you're as mad about her as you say, then even if it's hard, you should try to beare with it. I've been there too, and when people found about us she broke up with me (though our relationship was not as strong as yours.) I do not understand if you mean "walk away" metaphorically, as in "break up with her" or walk away from the situation. If it's metaphorical, I'd say you shouldn't break up : you're in a very fulfilling relationship, so only "walk away" if you really feel you can't stand it anymore and it hurts you too much. If you're asking advice on how to behave when out with others, it's up to you. Can you stay around her without taking her in your arms and kissing her? I know I couldn't. It was better to stay home for me at those times. Or maybe you could just invent a sign that is a "hug emergency" When one of you makes that sign, you say you want to go to the loo or something and go to a place way from people in which you can just hug.
I have read that it's better/easier if both are more or less equally out. That being said, though, has she indicated any plans to move in that direction? Maybe talk about it with her. You could suggest little "life experience" exercises to help her feel more comfortable? Spend some time in an area of the city you wouldn't normally frequent, do couple things, hold hands, say things like, "my girlfriend is feeding the meter". Anything. If they're all complete strangers, this practice might loosen her up a bit? Do it in funny accents if you have to. I think if she agrees to try something like this and you actually schedule time for it, it will benefit both of you. No?
As has been said, it can be testing to have a secret relationship for a few different reasons, some of which are more common and others which apply to some more than others. Personally for me, I wouldn't say no to a relationship with someone I loved if they didn't want to come out. I'm in the position still of not having come out, but if I were to get a BF, I'd be more likely to. (I feel like I need a reason to come out - what better is there?) For that reason though, I understand the difficulties, and I figure usually you can just feel whether your partner is hiding you or just scared to come out. With that said, I don't think I'd be able to tolerate a lifetime of pretty much acting single. I would at least like to know the other half has a desire to come out and is working towards that.
I am no expert, but as someone who is out to his parents (while my bf isn't) and some friends, here's my advice: I've been with my bf for over a year now an we're in our last year of high school. We have a lot of mutual friends so it's easy to decide who we tell but we don't make much of an effort to hide it either (the only time we really ty to hide it is around his family). For me, it was hard at first having to hide from some people but having the people who did know helped. It's very important to understand where your partner is coming from (my bf has a very traditional, conservative Asian family) and the insecurities they have. He's very affectionate and even if he doesn't always show it in public, that doesn't mean I start to believe that I'm being used or that he doesn't really love me (although I'm embarrassed to admit I used to have those fears early on in the relationship). My bf once told me (without me prompting him) that he was afraid that I had thought he was using me, but he made it very clear that he genuinely loves me and just needs time to figure things out. That time can take months or even years but if you really love her and you believe that she really loves you, you will support her until she feels comfortable to tell everyone. As for her friends, try to get to know them better and build strong bonds with the ones you trust so that then you and your gf can talk about coming out to them together.
