Okay, so, I never ever thought I would deteriorate to this point, but here I am. I suppose a little background information is necessary. I am a 24 year old male, I live with my parents and I'm pretty sure I am bisexual but much more on the gay side. I also every night that I won't wake up in the morning. I had a few girlfriends through high school, but the whole way through high school I also 'experimented', more 'fooled around,' with two of my best friends. It was always me gratifying them much more than them gratifying me though, and it happened quite a lot. Never felt any romantic attachment to them though. Anyway, this stopped when I was 18 and I had basically lost contact with them both by this point. I went to college but ended up coming home as I had a breakdown, wanted to kill myself so badly. Got diagnosed with depression and given the meds and weekly councilling, though I was still very much in denial of any gay tendencies I had towards any male. Had my meds changed as they werent working but when I got the other ones I just didnt bother taking them, didnt see the point. Guess I was lucky because I had the most supportive group of friends I could have asked for. None of them knew about my experiences with guys, though I had told them about my times with girls and I lied about them a lot, thinking back I suppose that was so I could fit in. Either way, they supported me through it and I eventually got a part time job and life went on. Despite getting better I always felt distanced from everyone else, like I didn't belong. Had a few depressive episodes after that but I just kept on smiling so the people around me couldnt tell. Ive always been the joker kind of guy, always laughing and goofing about, dont think anybody really took me seriously but thats how I was known. Anyway, age 22 and I was still in the same dead-end part time job, a few new friends, still felt like shit and nothing had really changed, but I was in a car crash that by all accounts should have killed both me and my friend. Somehow we made it out almost completely unscathed. Told myself then that I had to make a change and live life so I went back to college when I turned 23. College was great, I made a few more friends but more importantly I found something I was good at, was one of the best in the class (ahead of people that had already done one year), life was getting good. I'd also developed a huge crush on my best friend though. A few weeks left of the course and I just crumbled. Found myself under investigation by the police for piracy. Computers and phone were taken to be examined, both of which had a lot of coursework for the impending deadlines. Also found myself desiring male companionship more than I ever have before. My best friend was the one I wanted but i also had a gay friend i threw around the idea of being with. Kind of managed to say to my best friend that i was probably bisexual but wasnt sure, he took it well, but always gave off the kind of vibe that he might be interested in me and always talked about his sexual prowess. But I'm not sure. Anyway... Basically my life is in complete upheaval and I don't know what to do. I want to have a happy life and find a partner, male or female, get a job im good at and live quietly in my own little corner of the world. But I cant picture any of it anymore. I wonder if coming out to everyone as bisexual will fix my problems or at least give me some footing to start pushing back on the world. Or maybe that would just give me more trouble. I dont know, Im sorry if you have read this, its more than likely just a waste of your time. I think a part of me hopes that putting my thoughts down at the current moment might give me a bearing. Or that somebody here is a genie and can magically sort my life out. I truly dont know. Is suicide ever acceptable? Can somebody ever change their nature? I know that if something doesnt change then there will only be one option left. Anyway, if you made it this far I apologise. Apologise for what? Im not sure, but i do anyway. Thanks
I don't have a magic genii, but I can tell you that suicide shouldn't be the go to option in times like this. I know it's hard to override the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that drag you down - depression is a *****. I'm sorry that you've gone through all of that and you are feeling this way right now. Have you tried talking to a college counselor about how you are feeling? It sounds like you really enjoyed the class that you are taking. Is there any way to get a special circumstances extension or something like that for the deadlines? Some teachers are open to it if you talk to them and since you are so good at the class they might make an exception for you. Also, have you talked to some of your classmates? Maybe they can help you with the content that was on your computer. I'm not sure if that is feasible since I don't know what the classes are, but it doesn't hurt to check these things out. I can't really give you relationship advice at the moment, but don't give up on finding someone to love you. (*hug*). Hang in there and be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy and all this stuff that's piling up right now will calm down soon. Things are always much harder at the time than looking back. We're all here for you.
