Let me start by saying I'm not holding a gun or writing a suicide note. I'm not at a significant risk for hurting right now. But it's something that I think about all the time lately. I can't look in the mirror for more than thirty seconds without wanting to kill myself. My dysphoria has become so crippling that I can hardly even leave the house anymore. I literally lay in bed crying for the majority of my weekends. Nothing I ever do seems to help me pass. I'm 4'11 with a petite figure, a chubby baby face, a large chest and a high voice. I'm out to everyone but I'm still frequently called by my birth name and female pronouns on a daily basis. My hair has gotten so long that it looks like girls hair, but every time I try to pick a hair cut I spiral down into depression over how feminine I look no matter what I do. I'm so dysphonic about my chest that I just want to wear my binder 24/7 but I can't. I don't even feel like it properly binds. Reading the "It gets better" stories doesn't really help me. Being told I'm loved and worthy doesn't change how I see myself. I just want to cut off all my hair and never leave my bedroom again. I don't see my therapist for another two weeks or so, and the only trans* guys I know are pretty much in the same place, so we're not very helpful to each other. Looking forward to the day when I can finally tradition doesn't do anything about how I feel now, which is pretty shitty. I feel like life just isn't worth it and isn't ever going to be.
I don't know if you've tried all of these or not, but here's a post about a few things that can help effeminate FtM pass easier. http://notanotheraiden.com/passing-for-the-effeminate-trans-guy/ The haircut section might help you.
