I've been dieting for over two months now, lost over 15 lbs. Today I spent over $60 on food. Chinese delivery, pizza delivery, more pizza delivery, dinner and more pizza. I don't want to eat at all and I feel horrible but I keep stuffing my fucking face for I don't know why. Eating entire fucking pizzas with bbq wings and scarfing down this horrible fried shit from the chinese place down the street that sends this delivery guy who NEVER answers the door with a smile on his face and NEVER fucking talks. He seriously looks like the kind of person that spits in your food yet I still eat it because I don't deserve any better and hell maybe it'll make his crappy day a little better. I don't even know how I fit this crap in my body yet it goes in anyway. I'm cutting so much and so deep today, it's been hours and some of them still bleed a bit. If I tell my therapist that I'm going to kill myself soon I get 4 hours at best to talk about it if I even can while I'm sitting there scared out of my mind about being put in the hospital again before the ambulance arrives to take me away whether I want to go or not. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. The only thing I have to hope for anymore is that the people who find my body flattened on the pavement aren't scarred for life. But they will be and I'm a disgusting person for it. I'm tired of being a disgusting person. Sorry for the rant :/
If this will help you, BREATHE. Stop with the food, because you aren't enjoying it. Stop with the cutting because it's even more disastrously bad for you and you DO deserve better than that kind of life. Why do you feel you are meant to be served by somebody you expect to spit in your food?
Breath. Deep breathes. I would suggest calling a hotline to talk through your feelings with someone or using an online chat. I've been where you are right now (*hug*) and I know how it feels. You are not a bad person. This is not your fault. You deserve to be kind to yourself as you go through this troubling time. Find someone to talk to, try to relax your body, and maybe see about having a friend of family member that you trust stay with you for a little bit so you have some in-person support. It is not your fault. You are not a bad person. Binging is a coping mechanism and not something to be ashamed of, angry about, or sorry for. It's not your fault. (*hug*). Try to be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot. ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2014 at 08:31 PM ---------- If only it was that easy to stop. . The cutting and the binging are both coping unhealthy coping mechanisms and they don't have "off switches", unfortunately.
