I'm about to eat a bullet

Hold on. I'm reading

 

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

I'm sorry what you've been through, but you're life isn't over.

Drop everything in you're shitty life at the moment, take everything you have, leave and move. Take yourself somewhere new. You can do it (*hug*)

[YOUTUBE]g-jwWYX7Jlo[/YOUTUBE]

 

Where are you from?

 

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles Sam.

Let me just tell you know.. You are worth it, Your life is worth living. I know you feel like it is worthless and you want to give up and you aren't weak for feeling this way, however true strength is looking forward and having the will to fight. I want you to breath for a moment, try to slowly breath in and out and close your eyes.. Think about each breathe you are taking.. Feel your heart and how it is beating.. Know that you are worth it, that people here care and that we all feel you are worth it.. A lot of us have been there in your position and come out on the other side even stronger and better for it.

I really hope that you are able to get through this initial feeling you feel right now and be able to see what a wonderful person you really are. Please Stay with us and keep talking to us.. Please know we are all here for you, that we all love and care for you so much and right now, I feel so sad that you feel that this is your option.. I can't say I know what you are going through or know how you feel, but please know this.. I am here anytime you need to talk, and all of us are here for you as well. Please stay strong and work through this with us all.. I hope you are still with us Sam and you can keep talking to us. (*hug*)

 

(*hug*) (*hug*)

 

(*hug*)I wish I could give actual hugs through the internet.(*hug*)(*hug*) Hold on.(*hug*)

 

I can't imagine what you're going through, but suicide is never the answer. Things will get better, trust me, and in order to find out, you have to hang in there. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to keep fighting!

 

Please take time to read what all have to say first.

---------- Post added 15th Oct 2014 at 08:31 PM ----------

I think it's pretty awful how your family, friends and work management have treated you and I cannot imagine what it's like to cling on to your dear life. You do have the right to feel like giving up on everything but please know that we(LGBT community) are all in this together. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and don't think that. Don't dwell on the things that you have done before because past is past. Do you think you know someone who you can talk or text ?If not there are plenty of us who are willing to talk to you (including me).

I'll be waiting for your reply.

 

Dear Sam,

Hopefully you are reading our responses to you. Sam, just let us know, give us some reply to let us know that you are reading our posts to you...can you do that?

 

(*hug*) There aren't many things that are worth dying for, there are a lot of things that make life worth living. Finding something that makes life worth getting up in the morning goes a long way. Whether it's school to study for a career, creating friendships, or even if it's playing video games all day. As long as you have a reason to get up in the morning, it really truly helps.

(*hug*)

 

Please Sam. How do I say this? Stay.

 

Dude, suicide is not the right thing to do. It may be the easy way out but its definitely not the right one. I was reading a book in my college library yesterday and it said that 9/10 people felt regret when they attempted suicide (these were people who attempted but failed obviously). As soon as you pull that trigger, there is no chance left, whereas now, even though it may seem hopeless, there will be many chances for you to make a difference to your life.

You can fix the broken you, everyone can. I know that what has happened to you is horrible and noone should have to suffer it, but its up to you to escape that, to fix it yourself instead of relying on others to make your life happier, as this can sometimes have an adverse effect, like it seems it has on you.

You say your family dont love you, dont give them the time of day if this is true. I dont know how old you are but you should seperate yourself from people who make your life hell, no matter who they are, even family. This applies to the people who beat you up too, try your best to avoid them, and also for this case, im guessing you know them if they know you so why not just go to the police?

Your life will soon pick up, you just have to help it get back on track. "Life's a bitch, but you should make it your bitch"

 

I am living proof that things get better.
I so very nearly ended it all last year. Early January to be exact. I was going to overdose on a heroin knock-off. I am doing better than ever and I am beyond blessed to be alive now. I understand that it was a very dark period, and that I was just consumed my emotions that I wasn't thinking straight. You are not alone. I promise.

Gimmie a bit, I am about to properly read your original post.


Okay. I just read it. It seems heroin demon has followed us both around, huh. I am uncomfortable talking about this publicly, but I know that you can recover and that you ARE worth it. You have been treated in so many horrible ways and it breaks my heart to hear and see what it has done to you. You *are* worth more. They are wrong. You are worth more. Do you believe that someone in a similar situation to should take "the cowards way out?" I doubt you would. Because you realise that people are worth more than the shitty scum that surround them in life.

Stay. Please. We beg you.
You can get through this.
I promise.

 

God shows infinite mercy...this is the essence of the Jewish notion of redemption: that every moment in life offers us the possibility of choosing a better path. Choose life, so that you may find the chance to choose a different path, a different location, situation, what have you. We all are concerned for your welfare, choose life!

 

Yes, this forum is wonderful at times. I'd say, despite everything else going on, you still have this online community -- is that not worth something?

As for your mother, I was in the same boat. My mother used to steal from my younger sister and I, to fuel her drug habits, and she would lie about all of this to us. Not only was it hurtful, it was annoying to deal with, and insulting to our intelligence. My father, well, I can't say he didn't care about me -- he did, but only if I did something he found worthwhile. That said, if I were to die, he'd be a little sad -- but only because I was his kid, and he'd get over it. Why not? I never was close to him, and I rarely did anything of significance in his life.

I know, that's being harsh, but I'm going to be totally honest. I'm not going to sugar coat or obligate a response, because neither of those often help.

Your parents gave you life. The fact you are still alive, means they care, in some form or fashion. My own parents weren't model parents, but they did feed me, give me a bed to sleep in, and a room to live in. They could have been more understanding, more loving, and just more 'there' for me, but they weren't. Like I have my own struggles, they had/have theirs. This doesn't excuse what they did, or how they acted, but it does explain it.

At the end of the day, you learn two things from your parents. The first is, how to be, by their example. The second is, how not to be, again, by their example. Observe and learn, then apply. This is one technique to improving your life, and it works, because I have applied it to my own.

Now then, this so-called "friend" and this attack on you. First of all, I want to say, having been in a very fucked up predicament myself (i.e. car accident), I must commend you for surviving, let alone being able to walk away.

That said, if they stole your car -- report it. Simple as that. If they gave you a bag of heroin, toss it (but not before putting the contents into something else, something you haven't touched -- no DNA or no fingerprints, is what you want). Those dumbasses are wasting money, just to give you a drug, that probably came out of their own pockets. If you want the 'smart' thing to do, sell the bag, and make you a little money for yourself.

The 'gay lifestyle' isn't the only thing that has problems. Any particular groups has their pros and cons, and we all have had our turn -- or will have our turn -- on the Wheel of Bigotry. Trust me. Non-whites were contestants, women were contestants, and people of Arabic descent are contestants right now -- along with homosexuals. Discrimination and hatred, have been around for a looooooong time, and will continue to be. If you give up now, you'll just be 'another tally mark' that says, discrimination and hatred are successfully productive means of eliminating, that which we discriminate against and hate.

To be totally frank, nobody is ever going to be equal. We can come close, but humanity has a tendency to tilt balance. How much it is tilted, depends on the person. However, I get what you are saying, and I want to say this. Give it time. Trust me, it'll happen. If you would have asked a white-somebody in 1920s America, if a black-somebody would ever hold a position of importance, they'd have laughed or denied it. You obviously see that, in due time, this has changed, and continues to do so. The same will happen with non-heterosexual individuals.

As for your employment situation. If that was on paper, keep it. That is a lawsuit -- a damn good one, at that -- waiting to happen. The ACLU loves cases like what you have.

Now, if they didn't write this down (and they'd have to be incredibly stupid to do so), then you're sort of fucked. Employees have this at-will nonsense that, while they can't deny you a job, they can fire you from one -- and not have to say why. I find that total and absolute bullshit...

That said, do you really want to work for such people? I wouldn't. Hell, them removing me is a favor, I'd say. On top of that, they aren't cutting my last paycheck.

Don't do that. I've walked that path, and you won't like where it leads.

The Roman salute, is what it was known as before. Still, doing that, almost anywhere, is not going to garner you sympathy. In fact, it'd probably make you look mentally ill, potentially dangerous, or just socially ignorant -- things you DO NOT want to project onto a court room.

Also, you can't out-hate the hateful. Even if you try, all you'll do is wind up destroying yourself. See, the Nazi movement is based on winding up others, because unchecked emotions is what propels nationalism. Just look around, at the world, and you'll see what I'm referring to. When it comes to Neo-Nazis, most of them are very disorganized, but that doesn't mean they aren't dangerous. Most of them are impulsive and sporadic, which combined with you giving that salute, might place a target on your back.

If it helps, I once clobbered a racist. I wound up going to jail for about a week, but it was totally worth it.

You'd be surprised who considers themselves your friend. You may not consider them as a friend, but friendship is a two-way street that, often times, we only look at one way traffic. That said, while it has noticeable cons, there are countless individuals here who will, for a variety of reasons, be a friend. It may not give you face-to-face comfort, but it is something -- and something is better than nothing, in this case.

Again, your family may not be ideal, but they have to have some good merit. Of course, again, this does not justify their behavior towards you. But like you are trapped in a dark place right now, it seems that they are as well.

You can go back to heroin, but just remember something. You left it before, and why was that? If you jump into a hungry shark's territory, expecting it not to bite you, you're being delusional. Obviously, heroin isn't going to be the permanent solution you're looking for -- and trust me, I know. I used to sell the stuff to people, while watching them, bit by bit, decay their bodies and destroy their dreams.

I suggest you look into St. Peter. He was one of the Twelve Disciples, who rolled around with Jesus. Peter had many issues, ranging from anger to a lack of loyalty. If he can be considered the foundation of the church (to some faiths, not all, of course), as well as one of the most known and studied individuals in the Bible, then you have hope as well, to not be rejected or denied by God.

That said, if you want to throw down sinful misdeeds. I am afraid I have you trumped, unless you're holding back something.

You say you have cursed God's name, so have I -- I actually use 'God damn' every few days.

You say you have vandalized a place of worship, I set one on fire -- and blamed somebody else (fortunately, it didn't burn the entire building down; but the person who got blamed was arrested, though -- this person refuses to talk to me, hates me, and stated he will never forgive me, for marking his record; I don't really care, because he was always an asshole, and still is).

You say you stole from innocent people, so have I -- I actually used to take a wide variety of things, whenever I wanted, be it secretly or face-to-face. Sometimes, I'd take somebody's belongings, like a CD or book, and -- as they watched -- break/rip it, then walk off.

You say you indulged in heroin, you have me on that, but I used to sell heroin to people -- knowing full well the effects, and how it was sabotaging their lives. Sometimes, with full knowledge, I'd watch my co-sellers put "shortcuts" (various chemicals or products) into heroin, just so they could cut corners, while increasing the risk to their clients.

The point is, we all have our problems and indulgences, but how we handle those, and learn from them, is what determines who we are, and what we will achieve. You can continue to live in the past, and your present will cease to exist, while your future -- which you want -- will never come. To get to Point B from Point A, you can wish all you want to get there, but unless you pick your ass up and move, you're going to get pissed and disappointed.

Compared to me, you're just fine. If anybody deserves to be killed, or burn in the fiery pits of Hell, between you or I, it would be myself. You, my friend, are just somebody who is hurting, confused, and full of misery and anger. These are a very dangerous collection of ingredients, but the fact you realize you are experiencing all of this, is a good sign, that you are capable of acknowledging, tending, and resolving these issues.

The thing about life is, you can't make one decision and BAM -- everything falls into place. You have to keep making that decision, sticking to it, and waiting patiently. If life became much better with one decision, well, you wouldn't have so many hurting and confused individuals. Life is hard, very much so at times, but you will always have a degree of control over that. You may not be able to stop bad things from happening, but you can keep those things at just 'bad', as opposed to getting upset or furious, and turning them from 'bad' to 'terrible'.

While I won't tell you, what has happened to you, is horrible -- it is, but that is kind of a given. I will tell you, if you give in to everything that has happened, you will simply be confirming these types of things are okay. Remember those Neo-Nazis you mentioned earlier? They may not have the means to Zyklon-B an entire group of people, in mass executions, but they can make you do it for them -- and guess what? They win, because there is one less "piece of shit" or "socially inferior" faggot/nigger/cunt/so on and so forth in the world*.


*I don't like those words, but in the context of this, it felt appropriate.

The fact you are sobbing and wishing someone would step up, should be proof enough, that you still want a reason to exist. If you want a reason, find it. Not every great wonder or treasure is discovered immediately, it takes time, and much of the satisfaction is the journey endured to obtain these. Life works in much the same way.

I wouldn't call suicide the coward's way out. I mean, it takes a massive amount of testicular fortitude to off yourself. It should be called the quick way out, because that is about all it is, other than a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The part in bold, is a reason to trek on. You want to help others? You want to teach them? Then, be an example. Show them, that you can overcome.

You're worried nobody will "respect a faggot"? Fuck them. Most people that can't respect your sexuality, aren't worth earning respect from. Besides, staying in the game, is the best remedy against such asinine individuals. If you forfeit or bail, well, who is left in the game? That's right, those kind of ass clowns, who will tear apart and break others, bringing them to where you are. This place that you know well, endure, and could possibly help others with. Be an alleviation of life's woes, not a proliferation of life's woes, when it comes to the world, and those who, like you, so desperately need to loved as a person, valued as an individual.

What has happened, simply happened.

In the event you are able to return, and see this, there is one more thing I want to say:

As alone as you may believe you are, you aren't. Your reasons for being in pain might differ, but it is just another drop in the river of life. We all have our drops, which individually differ, but together they form a river. We can either continue to let the river flow, taking us where it wants, or we can seek the oceans and lakes, where the world opens up as does opportunity. So many only know the river, when there is more to become a part of.

 

Hello Sam2. I hope you are still reading these responses.

I'm not going to give you some line about how 'things will get better' because I know you've probably heard that many times before. The truth is nobody really knows which direction life is going to go so I feel it would be wrong of me to make this assertion. However there is one thing that is guaranteed if you decide to take your own life:
If you end it now, you will never know all the good things that would have been, had you chosen to live.

You might be thinking that there are no good things to look forward to, nothing worth living for, but you cannot know this with absolute certainty. Everyone's life is a mixture of wonderful, beautiful things as well as the most horrible, awful things. It is the great cruelty of the world that some of us receive more than our fair share of the bad. You've learned from negative experiences that things always go badly and are assuming that this is the way it must be. It is not. The past is the past and does not determine your future. If you give up now you will never have a chance to experience happiness that could have been, beyond all the pain and difficulties you are currently going through. Happiness which you would surely appreciate more than a person who had never suffered, because only someone who has seen bleakness can fully appreciate the opposite without taking it for granted.

If nothing else, choose to live simply to defy those that are making your life shit, that would be content for you to end up as just another statistic. They are not worth it.

 

So glad to see that you didn't do it. I can't really say anything better than what others have said, but I truly hope that things get better for you, as I'm sure they will. Maybe not immediately, but someday.

 

You did the right thing. I'm sure you will find other means of emotional support though this and learn to deal with things within in a healthy way. Until then use the people of this form for support. I've also dealt with some similar emotions and learned to work though them so I'm sure things will get better you just have to want them too. (&&&)