This might be a bit lengthy but I would appreciate you a lot for reading it and giving me some advice! The place where I used to live had a lot of accepting people but just as many accepting, there were just as many non accepting people, so I kept my orientation to myself. I pretended to be normal like everyone else, and even going as far as being in a relationship, which didn't end well for me. I feel extremely bad for the person because I did it just to establish myself as "normal". As for my family, I know for a fact that they would love me but if I revealed what I am to them not only would it shock all of them but they would be extremely disappointed, and as weird as it sounds they'll still love me I have no doubts on that, but nevertheless they'll still be "hurt", and I don't want them to feel that way either. I don't think I'm ready to reveal to the world what I am yet but the semi-anonymity of the internet could help me, which is why I'm writing all of this. Now I'm in college, far away from home, without friends and just generally alone I want to find a friend that I can relate to, and talk to. But the problem is that I don't want to join the LGBT clubs because I haven't fully accepted myself either. I also don't want to download any dating apps either, and I don't want to show my face or anything online because people might recognize me... Honestly most of this I have brought upon myself by being so half and half with my decisions but I really have nobody to talk to about this, not even my bi friend, nor my extremely-liberal-and-accepting friends. I also don't know if I can ever be in a true relationship, if I ever have one then it would most likely be either secretive or a false one. Some people may tell me to forget what society thinks and more importantly, what my family would think of me but here's another problem with me: I'm also an Asian minority, my family has that mindset of "passing on your last name". I'm very very close with my family (and extended, including uncles and aunts) and they love me back as well. I just don't want to disappoint them at all! Worst of all, roaming and lurking around the internet for such a long time, I also noticed that even in the LGBT community, there's this racial tension as well. I don't want to talk about the racial tension that much because knowing how those forum topics resulted, I wouldn't want this thread to stray that way. But that ultimately contributes to me being self conscious about my looks, I've never thought myself as attractive, and nobody's ever commented on my looks, not ugly not nice not cute, just nothing. Ahhh there's just so much I want to talk about but I'm just ranting on now. I don't even remember what advice I needed, but I think I just want a friend to talk about all of this to I guess! Or maybe just everyone here, because this seems like a very nice forum so far! (!)(!) ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 07:10 PM ---------- Oh yeah maybe some people might find this offensive but please don't think of it that way, I'm just completely confused on everything xD and I'm not all that depressed either, I might get sad but only for a few seconds and then nothing... Just confused as to what I should do, that's all!
Hello Coming out to all of us on EC is a good first step. Talking here and reading about other people's experiences is a good way to start feeling more comfortable about yourself. Just knowing you're not alone in some of the things you're going through can be a big help. I don't know if I have any advice other than to keep talking to us. Take your time, get comfortable, and eventually being open with people in your life won't seem like such an impossible goal. It sounds like you have some really awesome friends. Would it be possible (when you're ready) to confide in one of them and have them keep it a secret? Taking one, slow step at a time can make things seem much less daunting.
Hi CrazyAwkward! Thanks for the reply! I understand there's not that much others can do for me, but you're right, just talking about it will take a lot off my shoulders! I think I might eventually tell her, but I'm still worried about the consequences of coming out (whether it be good or bad), so yeah I'll take small incremental steps! ^_^ I don't think I mentioned this in the main post but I wanted to say that I really want to have a physical friend (not that you guys are all imaginary or anything, but I think you know what I mean) to talk to as well, I don't really know why. I hope there are some people here that lives in the midwest or goes to my college haha. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 08:07 PM ---------- EDIT: Hello Peacemaker! Thanks for befriending me! I tried to post on your wall and PM you but unfortunately I have to post more in order to do so, so I apologize for not responding to you yet! I think all I really want to do is talk about stuff, anything would do!
Hey Heno.... you have lots of friends on here... we are all available to talk... feel free to write on my wall.. I know that I am not a physical friend... but I can still listen to your thoughts and fears... and bounce ideas off of... I know its not ideal... but someone is better than no one.
Thank you Clovis! I'll take you up on your offer! I agree, this forum is the closest thing I have in terms of secrecy, my future relationships and such depends on the feedback of this community pretty much haha!
Join an lgbt group or a gay straight alliance! I've met some nice people there to talk to. Haha I also have a closeted friend who is really cool
Hi there, I am sorry you are feeling down and sad at the moment. I know it might not be the same as having someone to talk to in person, but it know just being here on EC has really helped me and made me feel a lot better about myself and I know everyone I have come into contact with here on EC has just been wonderful and supportive so I think just reach out to us and we will be there for you.. Don't be afraid to post, we are all here for each other. This is one of the few online communities I really feel at home at and I hope you are able to feel that way too.. You are welcome to post on my wall and talk to me anytime you want.
Hello Bubblemonger, thanks for the reply! I really want to join an LGBT group but I'm not entirely sure I want to publicly show myself as a member yet, I sorta wish I could just "happen upon" someone part of it and like secretly be part of it so no one knows, because I don't even entirely accept myself yet D: Thank you for the suggestion though! I'm going to keep an eye out on the LGBT club on my campus here! Thank you Blossom! Yeah, I realize that even though having the physical friend won't be easy, this forum has already helped me get a bit of the emotional distress off already! Truthfully though at the moment I don't even know what I'm really seeking, because I'm still in that process, ya'know? I can't even label myself as gay because just saying the word seems weird to me, I've been lying to myself my whole life trying to say I'm straight and I know that's a lie but I can't get rid of it, and I know it's the truth that I'm gay but I can't use it either. Even with the supportive community here, I couldn't officially put my orientation up without cringing while looking at it!
Well, ok, school is probably not the best place to come out. You will face harassment. If you have to come out to anybody, I would say a very good friend that you can trust.
I know what you mean about wishing you had a friend to talk to in person. That's something I'm lacking too. But you're welcome to post on my wall if you ever want to talk
I know what you mean about wanting friends. Right now I have no one close that I can talk to and it really sucks. I would love having someone actually interested in spending time with me.
Concerned about being Asian? Asians are incredibly attractive!!!!! Search enough and you will find "racist" things said about every race! Ignore that rubbish. Seems like your at the early stages of your own journey, self identification, etc. Take your time and go at your own pace. Given your current concerns about being connected publicly to lgbt groups, apps, etc, as you have already stated, EC is a great place to express yourself and get honest and valuable feedback. Over time, you might get more comfortable exploring other avenues. Keep an open mind, and when your ready, you will know!
Thanks! I agree, I have some friends that are very close to me but they say things that are very against the LGBT people, even worse I had a crush on on of them before. Ugh reality sucks doesn't it? Thanks! I'll definitely take you up on that offer! I do have a bi friend that I could talk to, she's very friendly but she's far away and even though I know she can keep a secret... she has a habit of getting drunk so it might slip away somehow, and she's in the college that's nearest my hometown. Exactly how I feel! We should become internet pals! Aw thanks so much! That really helped my self esteem, nobody's ever said it before so I feel both awkward and happy at the same time lol! I'm wondering if I can post a thread such as "Does anyone go to this college?" because there might be a chance someone from the LGBT club goes here, and maybe I can start off there! Except I don't know where to post it and I don't know if it is allowed. :O EDIT: Oh hey look at that! My post # is the same as my age now! I'm tempted not to post anymore ahahaha. (Just kidding)
Your thoughts ring true for many people, including myself. EC seems to be an awesome place to discuss questions and concerns that you might have. Just remember that there's an entire community of people spanning the globe to support you when you need it.
