1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

feeling hopeless

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kiyohime, Oct 24, 2014.

  1. Kiyohime

    Kiyohime Guest

    This is a masterpost of things that are getting to me. First things first, I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. There have been two periods where my depression has gone away for like a year, but it always comes back. I have a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts, but no attempts. Last year, I wanted to end it all, called a hotline, ended up being dragged to the ER in the back of a police car, and was sentenced to some mandatory counseling. Luckily, I have managed to keep all of this a secret from my parents because this happened while I was away at college.
    Problem number 2: I've had some idea idea that I was gay since I was probably 11, but the thought really upset me, so it wasn't until about 2 years ago that I started becoming ok with it. Now I accept that I'm a lesbian, but I'm still saddened by it, because I feel like this will doom me to a lifetime of loneliness. There's a girl I really like, and I know she's gay too, but I don't think she likes me in that way. I don't think anyone ever will. I would just like to be loved someday, but it feels hopeless.
    Problem 3: I'm trying to apply to med school, but I'll probably be rejected. I just don't see a future for myself and I don't know what to do.

    That's about it. That's pretty much what I wanted to get off my chest. If you reply, thanks in advance.
     
  2. Pipihpipih

    Pipihpipih Guest

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2014
    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In My Mind (Literally)
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Im in the same situation like urs
    I think most of our people are.
    We will be alone if we dont have a couple yes.
    But dont feel that u will be lonely for lifetime.
    Alone doesnt mean lonely.
    Love urself more.
    There's some positive thing in u. Use it. I dont know how to say it but sometimes when I feel sad or blue i will go out and do window shopping. Listen n make as loud as I could the music sound in my car. ... Let the stress and the negative energy out! it helped hehe

    This is our choice 2 being like this. Dont regret it.
    Be happy anf love urself more.
     
    #2 Pipihpipih, Oct 24, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2014
  3. DarkestDream

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2014
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago
    First off, hello. :slight_smile: I'm sorry that you're feeling this way! I understand how you're feeling, because I have bipolar disorder and I have to constantly think 'what's causing me to feel this way'. It sounds like everything you've mentioned here has to do with your depression, because although things look grim, that will most likely not be the case, it just feels that way.

    It's great that you're applying to med school! That gives you something to look forward to. You don't mention here whether you're in therapy/counseling right now, but that's something to look into as well. It may help you to put things in a better perspective, and give you a focus for the future.

    Hang in there, you're not alone! (*hug*)

     
  4. CrazyAwkward

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2014
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MA
    First of all I'd just like to say I'm glad you called that hotline and got the help you needed back then. Are you taking any medication for your depression or still seeing a councilor?

    As for your second problem, I used to feel exactly the same way. I was very upset when I first started thinking I could be gay. And I used to be afraid I'd be stuck living a lonely life forever. I can't say when or how that all changed. But it did. Does the girl you like know you're gay? If not she might not show the same interest in you that you feel for her because she think your straight. Or she could just simply not like you in that way, like you think is the case. But that doesn't mean no one ever will. You'll find someone someday. Or they'll find you.

    And problem three... You might get rejected. You also might not. The only way to know for sure is to try. Brace yourself for the worst, but hope for the best. Try to stay positive. I know that's hard when you're dealing with depression, but whatever happens in life, happens. We just kinda have to let ourselves get swept up in it and enjoy the ride as much as possible.
     
  5. Kiyohime

    Kiyohime Guest

    Thanks to everyone for replying.

    @CrazyAwkward: I was seeing my school counselor for a while, but I've graduated, so I don't have a counselor anymore. I was also on antidepressants, which helped for a little while, but I stopped. I just can't really afford it. At school, I got free care, but I don't have access to that anymore.

    And the girl does know I'm gay too. My friends seem to think she likes me back, but I really don't think so. I don't see how she could.
     
  6. CrazyAwkward

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2014
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MA
    Yeah I can see how cost could be an issue. It sucks that those kinds of things are so expensive.

    I'd trust your friends. They might have a clearer picture of the situation. It's hard to see what's actually going on when we got lost in the negativity in our heads.
     
  7. forget me knots

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2014
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Near Springfield Massachusetts
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Depression is a tricky thing. For most people it doesn't go away. There's no real cure for it but there's ways to cope. It takes a lot of thinking and processing but if you spend enough time living in the moment and trusting the process you'll get stronger.

    I know it feels like lonesomeness can come with the territory of being gay but it doesn't have to. Maybe you can find a friend in this person you think might also be gay. Sometimes it's better to be friends with someone first anyway.

    Good luck!

    Billy
     
  8. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you considered just reaching out to her on the basis of being friends? No need to pressure yourself to make it anything more than that.
     
  9. Kiyohime

    Kiyohime Guest

    Hey, forget me knots and USxUK, thanks for replying. I am friends with her, and don't get me wrong, I'm happy about that. It's just that, I like her much more than that and can't stop fantasizing about her. Right now, it's hard to believe that I'll ever get to experience a romantic relationship, and that thought is upsetting.

    ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2014 at 08:37 AM ----------

    I've tried to entertain the idea, but each time I'm given a bit of hope, my brain shuts that line of thought down. There are times when I think she might like me, but I'm probably making more of those moments because I really want it to be true.

    ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2014 at 08:40 AM ----------

    How do I live with it though? I don't know what to do. The only thing that had really been working was the medication, but I can't do that anymore. I don't know how to make it better, otherwise I would.