I'd just like to say that it's selfish of me to ask for advice despite the fact the face that I have not been as active or contributing on this site, so sorry, but this is one of my last frontiers... It's a little long, so I apologise once again. Recently, a lot of bad things has happened to me and I've become suicidal as a result. I'm not going to list them; they're probably small and insignificant and are only having and heavy impact on me because I probably am emotionally and willfully weak and feeble. I've been blessed and almost unworthy to have a best friend (who is straight) who has been accepting of my homosexuality, in an environment where I'm shunned by my peers, and almost always left out. But his kindness and acceptance, despite being a year younger than me, has led me to fall so deeply in love with him (though I kept silent and showed my gratitude by helping him emotionally through his hard time without expecting much in return). His trust that he put in me to confide his feelings and to allow me to help heal wounds left behind by two of his girlfriends is admirable. But after my suicide attempt, in which did not work (apparently trying to drown makes you involuntarily jerk and reach for the surface), I talked to him and I cried (I do not cry to others, not even at funerals). All this stress building up inside me bursted. I told him that I couldn't hide how I felt anymore, that I was feeling suicidal for sometime and acted on it. It was as if I gave up and threw away all my pride and integrity as I, later on in that conversation, told him that I've loved him for quite some time, even though I knew that he had just broken up with is girlfriend a month ago and is still recovering. It was like I have given up on life, the exploding revelation, and I knew that what I did was wrong. Him, being the kind, compassionate person he is said that nothing would change between us and that we'd still be close, it was just he can't return those feelings. I left that that conversation, feeling as if I fell in love with the right person despite the fact that he cannot love me at all. And now, I love him even more than before. I am blessed to have known him and to have loved and continue loving him. But I also feel a lot of emotional pain, it's become very intense and more suicidal now. It's as if I'm not good enough to be loved or find love alive. I can't move on from him, he's the reason why I wake up every morning. I don't want to continue making him feel uncomfortable by talking to him, but I always come back to him, he's my only real friend who's been beside me. Help. How do I end this all? I don't know how to. I'm sorry for the long read, it's a fault of mine that I couldn't solve this myself. Kind regards
I'm really sorry you feel this way. Why don't you talk to the EC staff? They might be able to help. But for now, don't be suicidal. Somewhere, there's a boy who will love you. And you WILL find each other. Your friend, B
You ARE good enough to be loved, and if you rob the world of the chance to know you...what a sad day that would be! You've said here in your post that events in your life have brought you down a suicidal path. I'm here to tell you that YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Many of us here have been there and in fact ARE there, right beside you. Nothing in your life is insignificant. The things that happened to you affected you in a profound way to bring you to this point. I'm glad that you have shared here. Talking things out helps us to gain a better perspective. I'm glad that you have a good friend that is there to support and encourage you! You've said it yourself...his kindness and acceptance have made you feel love for him. Perhaps this feeling seems larger than life because of this fact. You've gone through so much, and this person has shown you something that you feel you've never experienced, the love and compassion from another person. Naturally, you want to keep that for yourself, and it hurts you that he can't return your feelings. Know this...if HE has shown you something beautiful and treasured, there WILL BE SOMEONE out there who will show you this very same thing! Is there perhaps a school counselor who you might share your feelings with? A counselor could point you in the right direction as far as support groups, etc. Also, I found this website: GLBT National Help Center there are several ways to contact them, and they're nationwide. I'm glad you came here! There's so many kind and supportive people here. Please keep sharing..(*hug*)
If he doesn't love you back, then he's not the right person for you. I know it doesn't make sense how you can care about someone so much and they don't feel the same. And the worst part is there's nothing you can do about it. You have to find the strength to move on and hope that someday you'll meet someone who will love you.
I appreciate your concern, but I think your talkline is national in regards to the United States... I'm in Vietnam... (napalm-land, not that I hold any grudge lol), I don't have a counsellor or anything like that, I think I owe it all to him for living until today. He's the heaven beyond my concrete ceiling. But thanks anyway, I think after seeing father beat mum, the reality of life seems a little more bleak and loveless... Hey thanks for your input too. It's not that it doesn't make sense. I think more and more when I look at myself, it's almost clear that the deprivation of affection is almost something that I deserve. Maybe in regards to strength, I've never had a role model to really look up to, or any adult who's solved me or seen through me. Maybe it's just the way I'm designed to fail. It looks to me that way with how things are not working... but what can you say...? Thanks anyway. c:
