I'm not sure why I'm posting this, or even where to start. I guess I just need to vent and I figure here's as good a place as any. A bit of background would be good, I suppose. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and because of that, I started self-medicating with alcohol and eating disorder behaviours at 11 or 12. I am 17 months sober and I really don't want to drink again, actually, but I'm in the middle of a relapse with the eating disorder. I'm not quite to the anorexic point, because I'm not quite underweight yet, but I've lost enough weight to concern my therapist, nutritionist, doctors, and close friends. My depression has gotten so bad that they are also recommending a hospitalization for at least a short period of time to stabilise suicidal thoughts. PLEASE NOTE, I'm only feeling suicidal; I'm not planning on acting on it, but I have agreed to check myself in to a hospital if I get to that point. This is such a shitty time of year for me for so many reasons. I get horrible seasonal affective depression, plus I have a pretty bad case of PTSD, and this time of year is an anniversary of bad things that have happened to me, which has increased flashbacks, anxiety and depression. I've also been dissociating several times a day, and I can't stand being in my body, which is why I've not been eating lately. It's been 8 months since the last time I cut, but it's been on my mind all day, everyday for the last month or so. Again, I don't know why I'm posting this except for the fact that I need to get it out of my head, if only a little bit. Thank you all for listening.
I really hope things get better for you, discal! Just remember that the community (including myself) is listening to you! If you ever need to rant at something, drop me a PM and I'd be glad to listen anytime. -GreyRose~
Hello discal, I just wanted to let you know that I understand, as I go through much of what you mentioned here, and you're not alone! I'm glad you shared how you feel, because this is indeed a great place for support. Never give up...keep talking!
I know talking is not a cure all, but when you are in a really dark place and your mood is sinking lower it is so important to dig deep and remain connected. If you take it all on board and close down the outlets the pressure will build and build and build. In bringing it here to vent/rant you have actually done a really positive thing and I hope you will do it again if and when you need. It could just make a difference and buy you a bit of precious release time. I'll keep reading and replying as long as you keep posting about it all. Just wondering if the S.A.D is linked to reduce daylight? If so, have you considered/tried a light box? I understand they work quite well for some people who struggle with S.A.D. Don't bottle it up discal. There are people who will take time to respond if you reach out for a bit of support.
Thank you, DarkestDream. I'm sorry you're in a similar place, as I know how much it sucks, but having your and everyone's support here is helpful. I have been talking about it to others f2f; I'm in an IOP (intensive outpatient) group for my eating disorder and I'm also in individual therapy, but there is a period of time from Friday to Monday that I don't have contact with either of them, so I decided to come here. And I'm glad that I did. Although, I do have to say that clicking the "post topic" button was a very hard thing to do, but had I known what I do now, it wouldn't have been so hard. Light box therapy might be helpful; not completely since this depression is not just related to reducing daylight... but it does exacerbate the the traumatic anniversary depression and anxiety, so maybe it would help give me at least some relief.
I know it's not easy to talk about really dark and difficult feelings, but I'm pleased you did press the button to post the topic. Feelings of depression and despair thrive on our silence and withdrawal. By venting your feelings you managed to break that silence and give yourself a precious outlet and fighting chance. You are dealing with a lot and there is no shame in admitting how hard it is. Many of us on here are going through, or have been through really serious crises, so we have a lot of empathy and love to share with you. That's not to insult you by presuming to know how you feel, but we are glad to be here, whether we are near or far. The light box might be worth a try. Personally, I'd try anything to give me a bit of relief. I work on the basis that it's better to try something/anything than to sit down and accept pain and suffering. I hope you feel the same. Thinking of you.
Vent all you want, you have people hear willing to listen and lend an ear. Your concerns are our concerns. Glad you are being proactive and are talking to a doctor as well.
So... my IOP group is questioning whether nor not I'm at the "appropriate level of care"; therapeutic talk for they think I need to go inpatient. I have already deferred a few semesters from this shit already and I really don't want to have to do that again. But at the same time, I know that I can't keep doing the same thing. I really don't know what to do right now. I hope that a few days of thinking about this will bring about clarity, but at the same time, I'm also afraid of the answer.
Hi, about not eating much, I would advise that if you are going to eat sparsely, at least make sure the food you do eat is high in vitamins, minerals, etc. Sometimes I don't feel like eating much either, and I'm already quite slender - officially 'underweight' but who cares, cos what really matters is how do you feel, do you have energy, a clear mind, etc - that is a better measure of health, than some designated 'ideal weight'. Anyway, if you can, make sure you drink properly purified water - very important, can't stress it enough - and try to just eat a handful of really healthy stuff if you don't feel like eating a 'heavy meal'. For example, I sprout mung beans, which are a good source of protein and enzymes, but a handful of these, while giving your body much nutrition, will not make you feel 'full' or 'heavy', and are not particularly grounding. But there is so much nutrition in them, that if you are going to eat sparsely, they seem to be able to keep the body going. Fresh fruit and salads - preferably grown without pesticides, are great too, as they give heaps of goodness without being 'heavy'. (And with any food you eat, chew it really well - take your time, make sure each mouthful is properly ground up before swallowing it, cos as the old saying goes, "chew your food well, for your stomach has no teeth"). It's ok to not eat much so long as what you do eat is really good for you. Just avoid not eating at all, then bingeing on junk when you get intolerably hungry - now that will stress the body. I can relate to the anxiety, depression, past trauma and ptsd - looks like we have a bit in common. Hope you can make it through this difficult time of year. Andy. (*hug*)
