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26, gay, no social life...is there any hope for me?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by nl226374, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. nl226374

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey guys,

    I’m 26, gay, and it seems like I’ve been socially anxious all my life. I’ve never really had any good friends and it’s starting to make me feel like life isn’t really worth living. I feel like I’ve accomplished quite a bit in the last few years. I’ve had good success with keeping a full time job even though just 3 years ago I was scared shitless of even going to an interview. I’ve started working out and am in the best shape I’ve ever been in. I’ve gotten over some other fears that have been bothering me for 10+ years as well. Despite all this, it seems like every year is worse than the last, and I feel more and more lonely every day.

    Growing up I never really had any friends. In elementary and middle school I was bullied a lot, and kept to myself for the most part because of it. Even the odd time when someone showed any interest or wanted to talk to me, I’d push them away due to self-esteem issues. In high school I realized I was gay, and was scared to death of coming out to anyone. As a coping mechanism I pretty much completely avoided people so that I’d never have to come out to anyone. I thought university would finally be a time where I’d be able to meet some people, but it turned out to be an environment where people just talked about girls and sports and I felt like I didn’t really fit in anywhere, so I locked myself in my room for 4 years.

    I’m done with school now and have been working full time for the last 3 years. I thought things might be better once I got a full time job and was able to support myself, but I feel more hopeless than ever. I don’t feel like I have the social skills to ever make any good friends because I’ve isolated myself for so many years. Most weekends I end up not saying a word to a single person and feel like total shit on Sunday night because I have to get through another week at a job I hate so that I can spend another weekend feeling like my life isn’t worth living. I try to get out of the house as much as possible on weekends and a lot of the time this does make me feel better, but I’m getting to the point where I’m just sick and tired of doing everything alone.

    For a brief period around 4 years ago, I was able to somehow make a couple of decent friends online and met them in person eventually. For about a year after I met these people, life seemed pretty good and I felt happy for once…I had exciting plans almost every weekend! However, it seems like these friends have now lost any interest in me. Two of them stopped wanting to hang out as soon as they got in relationships. One of them I still meet up with occasionally, but it seems to be a once every 2 month thing now.

    At this point I’m not really sure what to do to get out of this rut. It seems like I have maybe one good day a month these days. Any advice?
     
  2. tulipinacup

    Full Member

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    Hey there! In a way, I kinda relate to what you are going through right now. I have no close friends or whatsoever offline and have only met decent ones online. I also lack social skills and kept everything to myself all the time because of my sexuality. During my time in college, I only consider people who were close to me as acquaintances and while I didn't mind this at all, it's only now that I'm realising that maybe I do need some closure from other people but it's really hard because I live in a place where being gay is still a taboo.

    It's great that you found yourself a job and able to have it for 3 years now which I think is something you should hold onto in order to survive. Do you think you can talk to someone about all of this to someone who you are close with? Have you considered talking to a therapist/psychologist? Maybe that's one option you can get advice from and maybe join a gay support group since I do think there is at least one in your area.
     
  3. Jwis

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    I understand you have some social anxiety to overcome but my best advice would be to join some sort of clubs. They don't have to be LGBT in nature either. What hobbies do you have? Or find something completely new.

    Volunteer somewhere. I have a co worker who started volunteering at an animal shelter twice a week. She has mentioned several times in conversations about friends that she has made there.

    And of course, there is always dating websites. I met my boyfriend on one of them and we are going on three months now. My longest relationship with another guy thus far. Can't say which one it was, but I am not a fan of the free ones.

    If you are finding your self alone, go out and explore. I often go hiking alone. I will find a state park (I see you are in Canada, I assume you have something similar) and visit it. It's a great way to get out and be a little active.
     
  4. Polka Dots

    Full Member

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    Hello, nl226374. :slight_smile:

    I just wanted to say that I don't think it's ever too late to reach out and find a friend; there is hope for you, even if the world may seem bleak right now. You're here, after all, and there are many people on EC who can empathize with your situation. I'm one of them.

    While my orientation is different than yours, I understand the pain isolation can bring. There have been points in my life where I just stayed cooped up in my house, venturing out as rarely as possible. It's odd, in my case; I'm quite gregarious and outgoing but I'm not very trusting, so it's difficult for me to make friends even though I crave social interaction. Does that make any sense? It hurts. A lot. Especially when you (a general "you") makes a friend and eventually realize said friendship is one-sided.

    I'm also sorry to read that you hate your job. I was there once, back when I was fresh out of college like yourself. Eventually I changed careers, although I never would recommend doing that in today's market without thoroughly evaluating finances. I had to, though; my work environment was driving me to the brink and I was expected to be someone I'm not. Eventually I opted for lower pay just to I rid myself of those bad vibes.

    As for advice, I'd say continue posting here, maybe try joining an extracurricular club in your area. And hey, if you ever need someone to vent to, I'd be happy to lend a virtual ear.

    Sending you hugs during this tough time.

    -- Dots