Back on the site after two years and worse than before.

Hi All,

Thank you for stopping by to read my post, I'm not looking for advice or help but just wanted somewhere to let it all loose. Feel free to make any comments, I no longer feel anything so negative or positive won't make a difference.

I last used this site two years ago and can't find my old posts so not sure if I can compare myself to then but I know things have become more depressive for me to the point where I don't even feel anymore but just hollow and as if I'm watching the world going by but not part of it (if that makes sense).

Growing up there were a few authoritative figures in my life that really put down LGBT people so that was the starting point. Going through college i met a few gay people but never connected or made friends with them. When I was 22 a guy I worked with came out the closet but we never had a connection, instead we both fell for the same straight guy and that ended up really bad. I went on to another job where i started to distance myself from people, I never went out with co-workers after work and I gradually stopped talking to old friends from school and college as they met their partners and went on to have a family. At the time I became depressed by this and thought I would never meet anyone. At this point I turned to the Internet and found this site and a few nice people online. I was about 27 and close to coming out and things were looking up.

I'm now 29 and recently started a new job, a great job which pays really well, great hours and great people. The problem is that I am no longer connected with the world, people ask the simplest of questions like 'what did you do over the weekend?' and the truth is I sat at home playing games on my mobile or sleeping. I normally answer with 'watched some TV' which I don't even do anymore because I can't focus on whats going on. People at work are constantly talking about their home lives and often try to involve me in the conversation but I quickly change the subject to a work matter.

I now longer have friends on the outside world because I just don't have the patience or reasoning to go to the pub, see a film or just go out. I don't have friends online because I can't be bothered to type back and forward for hours. I still live at home with my parents even though I could afford my own place. My mum still tells me to get a girlfriend. I used to find comfort in listening to depressing songs but that doesn't work anymore.

Last year my aunt passed away and I was fairly close to her, it's been almost a year. Recently my mum has been telling me that her cancer will be coming back as it did with my aunt so she hasn't got long left. Our loft has also started leaking so we are having it replaced, in the process we're clearing out everything up there. Basically it's 29 years of my life going in the skip.

I'm now at the point where it seems that everything in my life is coming to an end and I just can't feel anymore. There isn't one thing that I enjoy, I used to pretend but now I don't even bother doing that as I don't care what people think anymore.

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant, no need to worry I passed the depressed state a long time ago and if I had the courage to commit suicide I would have done that years ago.