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The Life that I have Right Now

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by xander1986, Oct 31, 2014.

  1. xander1986

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    I can be anonymous to the internet which is a good thing because I think this is the time that I need support. Sorry for the long post. I think I just really need to let this all out before I become crazy.

    I can't come out.

    I have a homophobic Family (both sides) and my mother thinks that Homosexuality is just a psychological thing. I spent years trying to repress this and be straight. I accepted my homosexuality as early as 13 years old, now I am at my late 20's and I am still not out. One side of the family has no gay people if I were to come out, I will be the first one. And I know, they will all hate me for it. The other half of my family is Muslim. It is viewed as "haram" or a sin to be gay in Islam or atleast that's my interpretation. And basing from my experience with some of my cousins they are also a bit of a homophobe.

    These people in my life are not bad people. They give me support. I love them all for it. But If I came out and they all left me, I will die. Yes, I will literally just kill myself. But this feeling of being alone is eating me up inside.

    My brothers and cousins all look up to me. And coming out will destroy their perception of me and I am afraid of that.

    I've been in-love with 4 men in my life but they didn't know because I hid it all the time. I end up getting hurt.

    Fast forwarding today... I have a stable job. I love my work. And my life is going well, except I am not out. Then things get complicated as I am now starting to fall in love with someone at work. He's an awesome guy but a devout Muslim. I'm not against Islam, don't get me wrong. But the reaction of muslim people against homosexuality is quite negative.

    I live in the middle east now which makes it harder to come out. I came to this forum because I think I simply need someone's support on how to handle my life right now. I am happy but when I am alone, I realize that I will be like this for the rest of my life.

    I'm in so much emotional pain right now.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Xander, I'm really pleased you have taken the decision to open your heart about this. It must be terribly difficult to live with this every single day. You sound so trapped, but I hope it has given you a small sense of release to just find a safe place like Empty Closets where you can be true to yourself and say exactly how you feel. I hope you will stick around on this forum for the friendly and supportive connection it gives you to other gay people.

    I wish there was some great piece of advice that I could offer that would lift you out of this black hole. I wish I could present you with a solution that would satisfy your emotional need from all angles, but this sounds like a lose-lose situation for you. Stay in the closet and you continue to experience this emotional agony or come out and face almoset certain rejection from the people you love. I'm certainly not going to sit here in the UK and pretend that either option is good for you.

    In coming to a decision I guess you have to decide what is the least worst option and take it from there. The one thing that really stood out for me was your reference to killing yourself in the face of rejection and I would take that thought on board very seriously as you try to decide what to do.

    As you live in the Middle East, may I ask how you have managed to explain a lack of interest in the opposite sex? As time goes on do you feel a greater pressure in this respect?

    The only option I can see is for you to leave your homeland and move abroad but that may be something you are unwilling, or unable to consider. What do you think Xander?

    In breaking the silence you have taken a small step to coping. It may not seem a lot and I'm sure I haven't presented any meaningful comments to move you, but when you keep everything locked up inside you actually feed the despair. Please stay connected through this forum. You may be in a difficult part of the world for gay people, but wherever you are, you remain part of our community and we'd like to be here for you.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. xander1986

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    Hi Patrick! Thanks for the response.

    Yes, ever since I was a teenager I was not really attracted to the opposite sex. I am, however, attracted to males. I sometimes just accept their friendship when all along I am already in love. And because of this love, I become jealous of some people who came into their lives. But I overcame all these things because I have to remind myself to keep things hidden. I can move on from there.

    The only solution I have now is to work very hard and earn money. Someday, I'll simply just move away. Drop all communications to everyone and live where nobody knows me and I can be free. This thought of freedom is the only thing that keeps me going. But I'm not quite there yet. And I am in a dark place right now.

    Whenever I feel that I need something to discuss about my sexuality, I often talk to myself. Yes, that might seem crazy but I really had no one to talk to. So, when that isn't enough anymore, I turned to the internet.

    I don't really live in the Middle East, I work here and just moved here last summer. Unfortunately, I have relatives here and I live with them. So, becoming myself is not really much of a choice. I live somewhere in Southeast Asia where homosexuality is still viewed as a joke. In the country I live in, when you are perceived as gay, they will view you as someone who dresses up as female and act flamboyantly. But I'm none of those. I am simply attracted to men, but I don't like to act as female.

    I am thankful that I can be who I am here and to openly admit it on this forum. I am also thankful that such forums like this exist. It alleviated some of the pain that I feel and your reply really helps a lot. Thank you.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Xander,

    You touched on the idea of moving away some day and you tied moving to a later date when you have earned enough money. You also mention you have a good job. So you already are open to the idea of moving away. Is there anything, aside from money, that would prevent you from moving now? If you have a good job there, is there a similar opportunity that you can find elsewhere? Also, while I appreciate you live in a Middle Eastern country and are from Southeast Asian decent, there are more progressive places in the middle east where you do have more opportunities to be gay, albeit not out in the open. I have been to Dubai, by way of example, and there is quite a thriving gay underground community there.

    At the same time, in London, there is a large South Asian community, and there is also a large gay community as well as you know. Within the Gay community here, I personally know quite a few Middle Easterners, Asians, South Asians, etc etc.

    I am sure I am probably already stating the obvious, but some food for thought.
     
  5. xander1986

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    There are two hindrances as to why I cannot move yet. I still don't have a sufficient amount of experience for any company to take me. The job I have now is one in a million as I have a fairly supportive team in the back-office and a wonderful boss, which unfortunately, I am falling in love with and trying to fall out of love (but this is another thread discussion)

    Because I am alone, emotionally, in my entire life. I am having trust issues. The reason that nobody knows that I am gay because I never really trusted anyone to talk to about this.

    I will move somewhere eventually. And I am feeling a little better thanks to the responses. Also, thanks for giving me choices as to where to move in the future. I might find myself in Dubai soon (just visiting though, probably in 2015) and meet the gay underground community there.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Its so easy to "fall in love" with someone in the office when you do not have another outlet to express your sexuality. You work day to day with them, are with them more than you are with others. If he reciprocates and has feelings for you back, I understand why that would keep you there. If he is straight or is not emotionally involved with you, then that is an entirely different situation. Make sure your staying for the right reasons.
     
  7. xander1986

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    I've already had time to reflect on this. And perhaps you are right. Since I do not have another outlet to express my sexuality, this might be the case. I'm actually enlightened by this statement. Thank you for this.

    But I am staying for the right reasons. I love my job and not because I developed feelings for the person I work with. The work is challenging and full of experiences. I get to meet people and help them with their problems and support them whenever they feel distress in using our product.

    The pay is good too. It's not as big as it's supposed to be but it is enough and I know that soon that it will be bigger once we get more clients and it is growing fast. Also, there is a huge opportunity for career advancement from within the company so that's another thing. Overall, my working life is actually fantastic. However, my social life is still not that good.
     
  8. White Knight

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    Hi Xander,

    When it comes to hating gays I doubt Islam is different than any other religion. Actually Islam depends on Quran which is like you might know very vague book. In my eye there aren't any place in the book that condemns being gay, it says "if you prefer men over women", yes. It's never been a case of preference for me... and from what you told, neither for you. However unfortunately, making a generalization here, in Muslim world people barely open and read the book. They usually depend on heresy, old traditions of Arabic tribes and their believes ingrated to the religion heavily.

    Hmm... let me tell about myself a bit. I am Muslim and gay guy from Istanbul, Turkey. Living with my mom. I know I interested in guys from very early age but finally accepted I am gay at age of 15. I am in closet just like you. As years pass I re-arranged my priorities, my life choices. I didn't choose to be gay but I choose to not come out. Even my mom would understand, other relatives might not. I will be free of closet by coming out to her(she is one of the few people I really care about) but she will come out of closet everyday which would kill her. I don't know if I have to explain importance of family honor concept in Turkish families. Coming out or staying in closet is only can be decided by you.

    You didn't say which country you are staying as it might make things more clearer for me. In here Turkish men usually doesn't pass up a chance for sex, of course you need do know who to ask and how to ask. Their preference on gender have little effect on sex encounters. However generally they will never admit they fall in love with you or consider you an option for love. They just get their satisfaction and move on. Let me tell you that it is usually painfully slow and hard work to get in to bed, unless you met them in already a sexual set up... like massage saloons, hamams or crowded transports.

    I can't say do that or this about your crush on your boss. Just try to be their friends first. In time life and people can surprise you. Really can't think anything else to help you without knowing where you are located at the moment.

    Anyway, if you feel like talking I am usually around. Don't forget you are neither wrong nor alone. We are here for you.
     
  9. xander1986

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    Hi White Knight,

    Actually it was interpreted in the Qu'ran that it is a sin. There is a passage there about the city of Lot (Soddom and Gomorrah for Christians). But that's just my understanding. Thank you for enlightening me.

    For love? It might be a bad interpretation for me with my boss. I may be just looking for other outlets in love since I am trying to repress it.

    I never had any relationship with someone. And yes, maybe it's a sad thing. But the bad part is that I fall in love too quickly because of this. But I manage to shake it off and move on. I have loved a total of 4 men in my life so far but since they are all straight and I have kept my sexuality it never got moved into something else. I end up getting hurt in the end. However, I don't sulk. I can pick myself up and move on.

    I even fabricated a girlfriend just to keep them off my back and asking questions about my sexuality.

    Don't get me wrong though, I'm not looking for a relationship that's why I'm saying to the other thread that I need to shake off this love feeling. If my boss feels the same way, he should be connecting with me or chatting with me during off hours and not talk about work. I have accepted that he is just being kind with me because it's his job. I am trying to be friends with him though, he might not be interested. I don't know. I need to shake off this crush first to give me more clarity.

    But he is really a rather good guy to be honest.

    It's great talking/typing to someone now. Thank you for your insight.
     
  10. bingostring

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    A friend on EC told me it is not a sin to be gay but only if you act on it (i.e. have sex) … not that this helps much but it should relax you a bit knowing that ?

    I think you need to make a 'bigger picture' plan of where you want your life to be in say 3-5 years. Which country, what sort of life it would be.. and then move towards it … taking steps to make it happen.

    Late 20's is OK to be not out .. if life is bearable. It is understandable given your environment and culture. But it does not sound healthy. It is so easy for one year to pass in to another … beware …. in case you end up in your 40s and nothing has changed!
     
  11. Damien

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    Hi Xander,
    I don't have a solution right now, but I'm glad you came here to talk about it. Talking about it is in itself something which can ease the burden a little. A word of encouragement: I know that right now things seem intractably complicated, that there does not appear to be a solution...but in time, I think you will find a way. It could involve getting your own place to live, where you have the privacy you need, to live and love as you please. It could involve a softening of the more moderate elements in Islam, in their attitude towards homosexuality - this is happening in Christianity already, as you know. So don't give up hope. You will find a way, somehow - just stay in touch with a support network. Here at ec is one such place, so I hope you find it useful.
    Andy. :slight_smile:
     
  12. xander1986

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    I have already accepted that I'll be alone and not get married, this sounds so cynical but this is how I think my life would be. But I still cling to hope. I don't really know. Maybe when the time comes, I'll be out. As soon as I am ready to stand on my own without any validation with anyone.

    ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2014 at 08:22 AM ----------

    Hey Andy,

    It does lighten up the burden typing/talking here. I wish I had thought of this before. Maybe I was so consumed of hiding it that I forget there's the internet that I can be free to post anything. I've been alone for most of my life. And solving problems on my own by talking to myself.

    But I'll be honest. I am still afraid that someone might see that I am posting here.