I wrote 2 pages of text at first then i decided to really focus on my main issues so i deleted it (it actually helped just to write it down =p) I am 25 now and ive never been in a relationship, it takes me a lot to fall in love and i feel like i won't ever find the right one. I've loved only 2 guys in the past 5 years, the first one i will probably regret a long time for not finding out if he was gay (even tho im pretty sure he was) and the second is my "former best friend" now my roommate whos acting completely straight. I mean "acting" because he has a girlfriend and he obviously loves woman but from past observation hes not 100% insensible to romance with males. He kind of act homophobic because of it and considering he prefer woman he won't ever be a good match. So yeah, he's my roommate now and our friendship is only a shadow of the past because hes uncomfortable with my feeling. It feels like my heart is continuously broken on a daily basis. I see him smile everyday just to go and meet his gf in his room. It sucks because every now and then he looks really open, he will stare at me in the eyes and smile , sit really close to me and act kind of like my boyfriend. I think he likes getting me aroused because more than half the time after he shower he burst in my room wearing nothing but a towel to joke about something completely random and i cant help but stare at him. Yet every time i tried to get closer with him he would just push me away after a few minutes and pretend it didn't happen. I know we will never be together, it ain't even a question. He's way too proud to be an heterosexual male. Yet his constant sight makes it impossible for me to forget him. I feel so good around him i don't want it to stop either, just like a bad drug ruining my body. Anyway... i tried online app, it really does not bring me the kind of guy i'm looking for. Even kind sounding guy ended up sending my dick pick wich is a complete 100% total turnoff. I tried some online dating website but it looks like nobody using these anymore. It feels like a ri***f too as some website force you to pay to use basically anything. I'm thinking about going out alone to the "gay district" as i live in a big city, but somehow i doubt this is the way to go to meet the kind of guy i'm looking for. I know even cute heterosexual people sometime struggle finding a good partner and i wonder with such limited odds of meeting a gay in the open and my inability to love at first sight if this will leave me single and depressed for many more years... I didn't really care about relationship until a few years ago so i wasn't really minding ending up alone, what ruined it for me is understanding how good it feels to be close to someone you love. I feel like i haven't been living and i just can't go on being all alone. I think about it every night, every morning, every time i see him, every time i see a couple, every time i see a movie, every time i meet my family.... It seems like the right way is to meet gay people and makes friend and eventually i could like one of my friend's friend but somehow meeting gay people out of the blue seems really difficult without going to a bar...
Ogmig, there are numerous ways of meeting guys without relying on apps, dating sites and bars. I have stated is previously in other threads, but it really is about the numbers. The more places you put yourself at, and the more times you do it, the higher the probability is that you find the type of guy your looking for. Consider getting involved with LGBT organizations, charities, social groups, sport leagues, etc. The more interaction you do, the better your chances!
I would second trying to find a group in your city, or maybe taking a class in your interests. Making new friends, even if some arent gay, might help you expand your social circle, allowing you to get out of your head, which would diminish his hold on you. If you keep going back to the drug, you enhance its power over you. And those new friends might have gay friends of their own looking for a good match too.
