1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Dealing with a death

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kaiken, Nov 1, 2014.

  1. Kaiken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    canton Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I haven't made a big secret out of the fact that I was gay for the last three years. I found a man I loved and we were happy. We considered ourselves married even though Ohio doesn't yet recognize same sex marriages. Then Dan got sick and passed away. (And no it wasn't AIDS. Neither of us had HIV or AIDS, I'm sick of people asking that.) Its been a while since then, but now I feel socially inept.

    Dan was my whole world, so its not like I had to worry about flirting, bars, or anything of that kind. Dan and I were completely loyal to each other so its not like my skills are well honed anymore. I'm not at all sure I'm ready to date, but life has to move on, right?

    I consider myself moderately attractive, well-kept, active, and all that, but I'm feeling uncomfortable as a newly single man in a world that's become so alien to me. I met Dan when I was 20, and now I'm 24. Is it normal to feel shy around gay men even as an openly gay man? I have been to a gay bar once, but the whole experience made me feel really uncomfortable. I spent the night glaring at people to make sure that they wouldn't approach me, I was nervous. Guess I'm just feeling a little scared from all the changes. Any advice?
     
  2. Andrew99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3,402
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Milwaukee
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well first of all im just so sorry u lost your lover especially so young (*hug*) honestly whenever you think you're ready to get back out there that sounds like the best time. You sound like you're rushing to get out there and fall in love again I mean you're still really young. I can't imagine what that must be like and yes nothing will be the same and no one can replace dan. Also if you are ready to start looking again than u dont have to go to gay bars if not that than theres online dating if your not into that maybe a GSA Club?
     
  3. Abbra

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2013
    Messages:
    459
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho
    I think a good first step to take is to just try to make gay friends (or even straight friends). I know that probably isn't the answer that you wanted, but hear me out.

    You shouldn't rush yourself to get back out there. I would say that trying to figure out how to fall in love again is going to be one of the toughest times of your life. You need to go about this as naturally as possible. And what better way to naturally find someone? Well, go the platonic route. If it feels normal... well then it's your choice. Gay bars are never going to be the best place to find a relationship. I would suggest maybe some LGBT meetups if there are any in your area. Or maybe take part in some stereotypically gay activities (which may sound offensive, but it will both get you to try something new and meet new people).

    Unless you don't want a relationship. And you know what, that's fine too. Maybe you just want something casual so that you can learn some things. There's nothing wrong with that either. Just knowing how to be a bachelor can do a lot to help you feel more comfortable in you skin.

    Point is, you don't need to feel obligated to do something right away. You need to take baby steps back into the world. You'll never be able to replace your loved one, but that doesn't mean that you can't honor his memory by meeting some fantastic people.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry about your loss. It's always difficult to lose a loved one, whether he was your partner, other family member of even a love from the past. As other said, taking your time and going slow is not a bad idea.

    I can, however, appreciate the desire for social interaction and human contact, particularly after the loss of a loved one. And to this may a suggest you fist try building as large a net of social relationships as possible?

    Consider getting involved with any local LGBT charities, community organizations or the likes. They are a great place to meet people.

    I actually leaned from EC that there are LGBT sport leagues, check and see if there are any in your area.

    Consider social apps or online dating sites. While many of the sites have people primarily looking for hook ups, prior to meeting my partner, I found, if I was sincere about what I was looking for (dates and friends), there were others looking for the same thing. Some apps/sites are better for others in this regard, so you need to experiment with various services. Rest assured, there are a lot of others looking to accomplish the same thing. And I really found that by being honest, while it turned away a lot of guys, it also attracted a good number as well.

    Finally, go about your regular life, interact with people, and see whom you meet.

    I do believe that the more you put yourself out there, the better your chances of making meaningful connections.
     
  5. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would first like to say how very sorry I am to read about Dan. When you describe someone as your "whole world" it speaks volumes about the love and connection you both shared. This past year must have seemed like a real struggle for you. What sort of person was Dan? I know you will never be able to replace him, but are you looking for someone like him in the fullness of time?

    The fact that you are beginning to consider rebuilding your life is very positive and it may help you to begin with the idea of friendship as others have already said. You say you are not sure about dating yet and that's fine, but you can be much more certain about friendship and companionship. Go online and look for social groups, if that appeals to you (maybe a group connected to some of your interests?). How did you meet Dan?

    Its normal for you to have these feelings of uncertainty and apprehension, but give yourself time, space and permission to live (and maybe) love again? Giving yourself permission is really important at this stage.

    Stick around and keep talking. EC is all about support and friendship, so you can maybe make a start by connecting with a few of us through this forum. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Kaiken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    canton Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the help everyone. I agree that the best way to get back out there is to just make friends first. I'm still not at all sure I'm ready to date again and the gay bars have never been my scene, but an all gay sports team would be kind of fun. I'm competitive by nature.

    Dan was a hard-working nurse who always stuck up for gay rights. We met through a mutual friend and were friends first. I'm not the kind of guy who dives right into a relationship. Thanks for the suggestion about the apps too. Maybe if I say that I am only interested in making friends I can actually meet some people without the pressure of a "date" being there.

    I can never replace Dan and will never try to, but I also know that he wouldn't want me to live under a rock just to satisfy the decorum of being a widow.
     
  7. Andrew99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3,402
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Milwaukee
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well kaiken get back out there when you're ready. Good luck to you (*hug*)
     
  8. Kaiken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    canton Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you. But I did have one more question, is it normal to be shy around gay men after being in a long term relationship and then coming out of it? I'm not usually a shy person, but all of this has made me one.
     
  9. Andrew99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3,402
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Milwaukee
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've never really been in a long term relationship but I could completely understand why you would be shy around other guys even if u aren't a shy person. You don't have to go up to guys just let them go up to you.
     
  10. Khusro aries

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mumbai
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey I'm very sorry for your loss its very difficult to forget about our loved ones whom we lost. Just try to be around your friends those who love you that will make you feel better. You are very young and you have to live your life so enjoy every moment of life thinking he's always around you.
     
  11. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You got together with Dan at the age of 20 and spent the next three years with him. How much dating experience did you have with other guys prior to your relationship with Dan?

    You are re-building and starting again in many respects and that takes a bit of confidence. If Dan was your first serious partner it may feel quite new to you.
     
  12. Kaiken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    canton Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I had very little dating experience before meeting Dan. I'd been on a couple of failed dates. That's about the extent of it. So I guess I'm really not working with a lot. I guess I need to learn these skill again when I'm ready. For now, I think I'll just go the friends route without expectations of a relationship and see where that leads.

    I honestly don't think I'm ready for a relationship at the moment anyway. Thanks to everyone for all the great advice.
     
  13. Andrew99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3,402
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Milwaukee
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Absolutely buddy (*hug*) u just get back out there when you're ready. And I'm very sorry for your loss
     
  14. Kaiken

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2014
    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    canton Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone