I currently live with my father, and my stepbrother with his kids and girlfriend in texas. My father is so damn noisy it kills me. And when he gets stressed or angry he starts yelling obscenities or he starts smashing objects (when he's really pissed.) Sometimes he'll yell at me because he's stressed and apologize later. Also, my brother's kids cry all the time, and my brother and his girlfriend fight all the time too making even more noise. I used to live with my mom not too long ago. (I moved back a forth between my mom and dad throughout my life. ). I moved because she was overbearing and controlling and she would never accept me being bisexual. In fact I tried to come out to her a long time ago but she didn't accept me so I got her to forget I ever came out to her. My dad however, is more open minded but I haven't revealed my orientation to him yet. Anyway, my mom made her fair share of noise too, usually directed yelling/lecturing at me. Annnnd she fought with her husband sometimes which also made noise. I don't know what's happening to me, but lately (like the last 2 years.) I've just felt more apathetic towards certain things, like I really just don't give a fuck. And I've had this increased desire for a quiet environment, I really don't like noise. (Unless I'm listening to music or doing something else entertainment wise. ) . Idk if it's the sheer amount of emotional pain that I've dealt with due to my self-esteem, disabilities, and family issues (in the past, my dad had a cocaine and alcohol addiction. My mom is generally miserable and has issues of her own as well. Both of my parents are screwed up to the core, maybe I 'am too?) Maybe the emotional well is dry. When my grandfather died of alzheimers, I felt bad, but I didn't cry. I don't cry much at all really. The last time I cried in the last year was when I found out that a girl I fell in love with decided to go out with some other guy. When we met on a dating site after months of talking we went on dates and she said that she wanted to be friends for a year and see where it went from there. (supposedly because she had her heart broken before by another guy.) I wanted to get into a relationship with her but I respected her wishes and I waited. 8 months later she starts a relationship with some other guy and announces it on facebook. When I found out, I didn't know what to do with myself, and I felt worthless. She was the only reason I stayed in florida with my mother for so long and without her I decided to leave since there was nothing for me in florida, thus I left to live with my dad in texas. I think the only thing that holds up my esteem is my accomplishments. Without my accomplishments in my education I think I would have a much lower self-esteem. I'm a 27 y/o trapped in a 12 y/o body. Some people say that's good, but It's a curse to me, why? because no one my age want to go out with someone who looks like a 12 y/o. When I go on dating sites, I hardly get any replies to my messages (except for certain exceptions, asian girls tend to like me for some odd reason. ) And some dating sites reject my photo altogether. I remember when matchdotcom emailed me saying "you are not allowed to use a picture of your child as a main photo." How many people get rejected by the actual dating site? *(Btw in case someone here hasn't figured it out, the avatar pic you see here is my actual picture. ) The reason I look this young is because of a condition I had while I was a kid called growth hormone deficiency. I took shots for it which gave me a decent enough height, but it wasn't enough to make me look older as I progressed. I've also been feeling extremely lonely and when I fall asleep sometimes I wish I could stay asleep. I'm not the overtly depressed type, I have my good and bad days. I try to stay happy and positive and I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings (I've had practice. ). I used hobbies and work to keep my mind from thinking about my sadness. I don't ever want to bring anyone else down when I'm feeling down so I hide when that happens. All I want is to have a partner that can love me as much as I love them and peace. However, at this rate, I don't know if that's ever going to happen for me. I feel like shit whenever I see a couple, and I know of people who treat their partner like shit. And it kills me that those people get to be loved. I work hard, I've accomplished a lot and I have two degree's and several certifications to show for it. Do I not deserved to be loved? My life feels....broken. I feel broken. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day things will get better. If I can just focus on my career maybe I can make a better life for myself. Maybe money will give me the ability to make things better, idk. For as strong as I try to be... I feel so lost and alone sometimes.
EDIT: Sorry if this was really long and If I sound whiny, I don't mean to. Like I said above these things are stressing me out so I needed to get them off my chest.
Sorry to hear about your conditon and the enviroment you are living in. Probably you could try to get your own place, or share a house with someone. Living without that noise will sure make a huge impact in your mood and mental health. About relationships, I don't think it's wise to trust someone else your own happiness. I know how it sounds,and I swear I'm not trying to sound clever or anything like that... I know that after all we are all human and long for a kiss or a loving word sometimes... It's human nature. Still it doesn't change the fact that you are depending on somebody else's reaction to be happy... Or that there is a "somebody" at all. Sometimes in life that "somebody" is not there, and we can't control this or force someone to love us, so we have to learn to deal with it, the "loneliness". It's not easy, and not a pleasure, but it is how it is... There is a lot you can do for yourself. Focus on your own circumstances : Where do you live and how to get out of that noisy enviroment. Keep busy. Try new things like sports, painting... Things you never tried before, just for fun. And while you are trying those new things, you might meet someone who will be interested in getting to know you, or at least you'll make some interesting new friends. No life is easy, but it is in our hands to try not to make it too hard on ourselves. And if there is no one to cheer you up, do it yourself. You've got reasons to feel proud of yourself : You don't seem like your parents. Don't spend your life waiting for someone : Be that someone for yourself. Best of luck to you!
