I have three older brothers and I always seem to take on their attitude. I think it's why I'm confused or it must be in my genes. Lately I began to tell myself, fine I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm lesbian and I love women! women. nope, certain person, almost always twice my age, but mostly not regular person, sometimes it's my boss, sometimes my manager sometimes my teachers. what the hell is wrong with me. I realize it is because I just fall in love with them because I thought they like me back. I feel depressive and suicidal, I'm living at home with my mother she's all I have in the world and I have no one else. I formulate that my siblings and her they knew that I'm turning out gay. and I have a feeling that they are suppressing it from happening. For example, I ask my brother to help me set up a business, he refuse, I think they think if I became independent, I can do whatever I please, and it means I'll date whoever I want. all my life I feel like a transgender, my brother is my best friend during summer, I like him a lot until we're 12years old. so saying that I'm coming out, it doesn't mean anything, in fact when I'm with boys I feel like the other way around, I feel like I'm there as a gay guy dating a guy. but sometimes I look at myself and my feelings and I thought maybe it's just infatuations, because this is what I knew what love is about, it's about giving things to your favorite person, your love, your crush, I have been giving gifts to my teachers as long as I can remember, I don't know why now, because mostly it's garbage anyway, because I'm not rich so whatever I find when I'm out in the mall and I think of her I'll buy it and then give it to her and it makes me happy when I think she might like it, it sounds ridiculous... maybe I'm romantic but creepily romantic, to think of that person all that time, but I'm obsessive and too loyal. In these past years I've been thinking, it's not good to be obsessed with one person, this makes me weird, my favorite teacher I like I once again given gift and then I recalled one time she seems taken aback and even feel threatened that when it's just the two of us in the room. I feel sorry because I feel like I made her uncomfortable and I feel like a monster. However, I only like women, real women, those my teachers, my managers, celebrities, only one time that I fell in love with a lesbian. I'm so so so lonely, specially dreaming thinking of this celebrity that I love now. I know it's fucking pathetic because I don't, I can't go out too much because I have work to do. I stay in bed one time and I hope I could cry but there's this void in my heart, and I can't breathe, I feel like I'm going to die of loneliness. I don't know if I will ever be able to find someone that will love me, a real woman mostly to love me, because I'm very picky myself. I don't see myself as pretty but I tried to look cute or take care of myself, I know too that I maybe narcissistic or selfish and I hate these behaviors. also I am femme too, and why do I think women will be attracted to me if I look hot, what is wrong with me? of course not, I don't think women likes to be with another women... I feel so retarded, why do I feel this way, if I'm a boy since I'm little, why didn't I get it that women likes men not a woman.. what's with the infatuation. I wish I have gay friends so I feel better that it's ok to love whoever you want to love, and I stop pretending and be gay for a guy, I feel disgusting when my ex keep talking to me and said how he want to do kinky things to me, I want to vomit, and most boys I've ever talk to wants the same things, it's all about sex all the time, how about romance? I know you'll tell me, see a psychiatrist like everyone else advise me, but I am afraid of going there(delve into deeper secrets, on why I'm obsessed, it'll only uncover deeper problems, I know it because I've been a psychology major student), I just want to know the best advice and if anyone else out there can relate, it will be nice to know that I'm not alone, or maybe I am. yep, I feel like a mutant :/ but what's actually worst is not able to control my life, and to have my own business so I can do whatever I want, and spoil my lover with nice things. --- sorry it's too long, I actually feel better now after writing that. thanks for reading.
You're definitely not alone. It's tough to be LGBT and even tougher to accept and embrace it, which is pretty sad. You'll find a woman to love and be loved by. There are a lot more gay and bisexual women than you think, and many of these people will love you for you, even if you think you're ugly or unattractive - they'll find you as one of the most beautiful and most attractive people on the earth, and that's no understatement. It may be hard to believe, but it's not unrealistic at all. I don't really have any advice, other than that, so I apologize. Just how that we're all together in this, and if you need to talk or get feelings off your chest, that's what this forum is for.
thank you for your post. I just don't want to sound dramatic either, I wish I can find friends that can understand me more.
Don't worry about sounding dramatic. We're here to support you no matter what. Your problems are no less important than anyone else's. As for friends, I know what you mean. but even though it feels like no one's around, there are people out there who do understand and relate to you. If you don't mind internet friends, this forum is a pretty good way to start. A lot of people do appreciate a little hello being dropped on their profile.
It's okay. Not pressuring you to start going around and saying hi to everyone, since I know it'll probably feel awkward for you, but it's still an option in any case.
