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Contemplating Suicide

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Destiel, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. Destiel

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    Hey so I'm having a major issue and I need help.

    I've been contemplating suicide. Before you give me a site just know I've tried a lot of the chatrooms with certified counselors and the most common answer is for me to take a warm bath and I'm not okay with people telling me to chew ice and take a warm bath to solve my 'issue'

    I've had some dark thoughts like cutting and suicide since I was about twelve, aka when I realized I was not straight and thought my family wouldn't support me, when my stepmom got verbally abusive, when my dad no longer appeared to care about me, I stared hating my appearance, and my mom got involved with her boyfriend and new daughter and didn't appear to care about me anymore. Later on my mom broke up with her boyfriend and got extremely depressed and projected her mood onto us verbally sometimes and emotionally. Recently she said I wasn't the same fourteen year old sweet heart anymore, AKA the year before I embraced my sexuality completely and began to feel comfortable in my skin a little more. It crushed me because this summer I was told by a girl that had started to like me and I didn't feel for back a similar thing. She told me that I wasn't the same person she'd met, that I had changed and was a horrible person, just because I wasn't answering her texts that she was sending at least ten times an hour. People keep telling me this when I actually thought I was becoming normal.

    Then on February 20th I came out to my family. It was horrible. My friend outed me. My family wasn't totally okay with it all. I became depressed, angry, I couldn't hold conversation, I hated myself more than ever and I started cutting again. My family started attacking me saying I was ruining everything. It was a mess. I ended up taking the blame. My family loved me after I did that. Things got bad again in September.

    I actually thought I was going to kill myself two nights ago and even looked for my blades (which I then realized I'd thrown out in June) and had a panic attack when I couldn't find them. Then I looked at my roof, saw the metal pipe running across my roof and almost grabbed the extension cord.

    I was so scared about it, and feared what I'd miss in life that I stopped but it was one of my closest encounters with attempting it.

    I tried telling a friend but she just ended up insulting my mom and didn't listen to me much, it only made things worse really. I just am so done with feeling like trash. I've been feeling bad about myself since I was twelve and I'm mad at myself that I can't just get over it and that I keep going back to square one. And I'm frustrated that the one time I told my mom I cut when I was thirteen she just told me to stop because people who do it only do it for attention when I was doing it on my thighs so no one would see and I opened up to her and she shot me down. I'm scared to tell her I want a counselor or to go to the doctor to see if there is something wrong with me mentally because I'm scared she'll tell me I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it again when I don't think I can and if I hear her say that anymore I think I might do something I'll really regret because in the moment and even now it just feels like no one cares anymore. I'm sick of no one caring anymore, I'm sick of watching them not care and know that they'll 'care' when I'm gone.

    I need help, please I'm begging here. I don't have anywhere else to turn to. I don't want to die yet.
     
  2. HandyDandyFixer

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    Please don't and stop. Depression is one of the hardest things to over come trust me I know and its not something that's fixed with a hot bath. Being mad or angry doesn't help the depression either I remember hurting people when I was depressed by saying things to make them think to themselves that they were bad people. If your mother doesn't want to help you find someone that will. Go to a school counselor, the doctor, anything. If you go to the doctor and explain what is going on you can ask your mother to leave and it is confidential they cant say anything to the parent. Just remember everyone here loves you and if you want take the time and talk to me I know what your going through and its not easy.
    lots of love
    Fox
     
  3. kageshiro

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    Suicide isn't the answer, it never is. No matter how bad things might look there's always a better way, other alternatives. You just need to try and fight that dark place and do everything you can to prevent yourself going back there. Remember it's ok to lean on others and ask for help, though it sounds like your family unfortunately has been doing a terrible job at being there for you so far. Perhaps you could try a suicide hotline or some form of online counciling, or even just reaching out to the Ec staff, if it starts getting really bad? And If you ever want someone to talk with, or to just listen, I'll be here, as will the rest of ec(*hug*)
     
  4. Jax12

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    Here's my story:

    I almost went to a high level bridge to jump off. Ended up going to a mall on the other side of the city.

    I was on depression medication, 100 capsules. I held all 100 capsules in my hand, ready to take it all.

    I looked at kitchen knife and held it in a fashion where I would cut myself.

    I was waiting to cross the road, and I felt the extreme urge to get hit by a car.

    So why didn't I do it? At all of these times, for once, I wasn't thinking about anything. My mind was blank.

    When something bad happens, you know what you should improve on next time. You get a bad mark on a test? Now you know what to do next time. You forget your assignment at home? Now you know what to do next time.

    But if you commit suicide, you won't know what to do next time, because it will already be too late. No one really knows what happens to your mind after you die, and we don't need to bring religion into this (I go to church myself).

    Why do we wake up for the day, get through it, sleep, and then repeat the whole process again? Because as humans, we live everyday to find out what life has to offer, the things to learn, and most important of all, to love; to love and be loved. And because everyone is so different, it is worth the risk to explore yourself inside out because we are different, like snowflakes; not one of them are the same.

    In the end, I talked to a psychologist because like you, I couldn't take this shit anymore. I was done.

    You came here, to EC, where people like you are going through a difficult time.

    You want to be happy, just like everyone else. What good is happiness if you can't be there to experience it with people?




    So with all that said, the choice is indeed still yours. It is your life. While you still have consciousness, remind yourself that time, for once, time will be your friend.
     
    #4 Jax12, Nov 12, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2014
  5. Ruby Confused

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    Thank you for sharing. That is very brave of you. Depression in tough and on top of that you have had a very rough time of it but there are people who care!. Every person who views this post cares about you! They do not know your name, may not know what to say or even where you live but we care about you! You are another human in pain and that is all we need to know. My best friend suffers from depression. I think about her every day, even when she won't contact or speak to me for months I still love her. She is one of my lasts thoughts before I go to sleep and is the reason still pray. Someone cares and loves you like this. Even though you don't know it there is someone who would do anything in the world to make YOU feel better. To give you and incredible future. To show you their love!
    Suicide is not the answer. Even if your family and friend didn't respond well to previous honesty they are probably just scared. It is one of the most hopeless feelings being told someone you love doesn't want to live and is in horrendous pain. But I promise you they want to help but just do not know how. You need to tell your mother everything you have told us. Tell her you are afraid and need help. It is not weakness to ask for help but strength.
    You are very young. You have so much opportunity ahead of you. What if tomorrow you got accepted to your collage of choice, met someone who you would one day love, saw the world, changed the world. You have all this potential within you! You have unique experiences that give you a different outlook in life. Life does get better! As cliche as it sounds I am telling you this not someone with worldly experience (I am 19). I am telling you this as someone who knows how much better life is 2 years on from 17. I am more happy today than I thought I could be then. My best friend still struggles with depression sometimes but she is getting help. She is happy now, can see a future, can dream of a future. You can do this to. close your eyes and see yourself in a few years with your own family. people you have chosen as your family. feeling loved and cared for. This is your future. All you need to do is live!
    Dying to get them to show that they care is not the answer. You will not be there to see that love then. Be honest with them and tell them how close you have gone to the edge. Even if they shy away at first, tell them.
    You have such a bright future ahead of you! Go to a school counselor, go to a teacher, a parent of a friend. They can help if your family won't/can't. Someone can help you see a specialist. Remember depression is an illness that very few people who understand but a lot who want to help. A specialist can get you that help.
    I promise you more people love you than you know. There are people who will do anything for you! Sometimes people are to scared to offer help but if you approach them they are still there. I care about you as do countless people on this site. If you need help just ask (like you have asked now).
    Remember you are an incredibly brave and strong individual who has survived much. You have it within you to change the world to the way you wish it to be!
    Wishing you love, kindness, compassion and tolerance.
    Love
    Ruby xxx
     
  6. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    You CANT do it. You just cant. Ive spent a lot of my life feeling suicidal and I am SO SO glad that I never actually did it.

    I know its cliche and you may roll your eyes at this, but life is truly a gift. I still struggle a lot, but now I have the perspective of actually truly approaching the end of my life. I'm more than half done at this point, so I am even more profoundly thankful for each day.

    You have so much to live for, even if just to see what happens next. Take little steps each day to take care of yourself. Make it your focus for now. One thing that I used to do was think WAY ahead and get really discouraged because things seemed so overwhelming, thats why its important to focus on the little things.

    You'll get past this. When the people around you arent taking care of you remember its because for whatever reason they cant. Your mom has her own struggles too. She just doesnt seem able to give you what you need right now. I'm really sorry and I know thats probably so difficult but keep in mind shes probably doing her best.

    Hang in there sweetie. We're all rooting for you.
     
  7. Rosalynn

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*):slight_smile:(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  8. Tardis221B

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    I know all too well how heart wrenching and difficult coming out and the results of it can be. It can make things seem difficult and make things look hopeless, and thats terrifying.

    For me at least, in the past month I've started having dark thoughts, and the thoughts are so terrifying. I came out to my mother this summer, assuming she knew and would be 150% accepting, but instead she was ignorant and un-accepting. As a result I too have slipped into a deep depression. And its unsettling. But I know that this is a direct result of being unable to cry and vent to my best friends.

    Thoughts of suicide tend to occur when you are in more emotional pain than you alone can handle. "It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." - (Suicide: Read This First)

    You still are alive, and you want to stay alive, that's good. Please stay that way. You will survive this.

    Here's a song. Take a break from my long winded note and dance (or head bob or sing or lip sing) along to this classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLHY0Pqeyzw

    Here's another, I find that upbeat music tends to lift my mood, maybe it will help you too. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEjgPh4SEmU

    Now that that is done, I know, I know I hate it when people tell me this, but since I don't know you in real life, I urge you to talk to a good friend or trusted adult/teacher/coach/LGBTQPA+ elder about this. Please, please, keep reaching out. Reaching out here is great. And I'm so glad to hear that you are reaching out else where online as well. Reaching out means you are fighting. It means you are strong. Keep posting here on EC. Create as many forums venting your feelings as you need. Reach out to me via wall messaging here on EC if you need. I'd be more than happy to offer my support. Keep holding on.

    You have to know that people to do care. I care. Your friends care. And even if they might not show it now, your family does care.

    Here's an Avril Lavigne song to belt at the top of your lungs. Use it as your anthem (I mean if your a fan . . . I grew up listening to her, so I'm a bit biased.)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gcrx2Ab0FM


    You can make it through this, I have faith in you. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    As a wise little blue fish once said, "Just keep Swimming." - Dory, Finding Nemo.

    And if you haven't seen that movie, you should watch it. Use it as a distraction. In fact binge watch all of the Pixar and Disney movies with a friend. Make a weekend out of it. Cry with each other and rant about your problems. Then belt "Colors of the Wind" like no one can hear you.

    Disney tunes are always the best mood booster for me.

    And maybe to show you that there is hope, my mother has come around, and she is accepting now. It still sucks of course, as I'm only now realizing what she did this summer was wrong, but it just takes time. And believe you me, it is ridiculously frustrating that it takes time. The fact that other people need time to accept who someone else loves is disheartening, but know that with time the emotional pain will heal. With time you family will come around. And with time it will get better. It has to. (*hug*)
     
    #8 Tardis221B, Nov 14, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2014
  9. resu

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    Check out the ginger.io app and other resources! Don't go through this alone! Find people to talk to. Even just go to the library.
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    I'm really pleased you took the time to write everything down here. When I look through the responses before mine, it's clear that everyone has really tried to demonstrate love and support that seems to be so lacking in your life right now. I notice your EC mood is set to better and I'm hoping that's a true reflection of how you feel and is in response to all of those kind words preceding mine.

    There were lots of significant things in your original posting but the most significant point of all came in the closing line:

    For as long as you don't want to die there is hope, and part of that hope comes from your willingness to open up and talk, just like you did here. When you post on here you can be sure that nobody will judge your sexuality or label you with hurtful words. It's a shame a few people in real life can't find it within themselves to do the same.

    I'm sorry you came across supposedly qualified people who thought it reasonable to dismiss the reality of your feelings with nonsensical ideas, like taking a warm bath or chewing ice. When you are in the depths of despair these ideas are just silly. The only reasonable way to help you is to give you the time, space and confidence to talk about everything - the depression, anger, hurt, self hatred and dark thoughts of wanting to end it all. Ideally you would have access to a good therapist who knows how to properly help, but your Mom seems rather dismissive of this idea. Maybe you would like to say more about your feelings on this thread? We may not have the professional expertise, but our collective love and support can help to validate your feelings and give you a little bit of a lift when you hit the lows. I don't think that should be underestimated.

    There can be no question that you feel extremely depressed right now, but try (if you possibly can) to focus on a future where you can be yourself, leading the life you choose. Sometimes we have to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel and keep taking the baby steps towards it. So when you're feeling scared and questioning your place in this world, turn to us Destiel and we'll help you keep walking towards that light. Break the silence, safe in the knowledge of our continuing warmth and kindness.

    Here's a hug to be going on with. (*hug*)
     
  11. MissMiri

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    suicide isnt the answer having a fluffy kitty snuggling your face is -meoiws-
     
  12. Michael

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    You are not on your own.
    Feel free to hit my wall if you feel like you want or need a friend. I'm awful but I'll try to be one for you.
    Please, don't give up, change is gonna come, believe me.

    I'll be here.
     
  13. Dakeli27

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    Don't. I know it's hard, and I've come very close to killing myself, but don't. Things will get better and you will get tougher, and if anything happens, we're here for you.
     
  14. MissMiri

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    that's right we will always be here
     
  15. kanfused

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    ironic, how I feel the same way. I just don't see reason to live anymore sometimes.
    It's like where do I ever find love when love is the only source for me to feel like life is worth living, if not what is the use of living, working for who?
     
  16. CubbieBlue

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    ive read your post and every response. Please hang on. And as many have already said, feel free to post on my wall or here if you need or want to talk. We all care about you and would love to see you get through this. Things will get better. If you feel you need help, reach out. I found a therapist via Google. And just like you, I found this site. It's full of great people that care about each other, and that includes you. We'd love to get to know you. What makes you happy. What makes you laugh. Music, movies, books. Good, bad, all of it. So, please stick around and post often.
     
  17. Sepina

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    Look, I'm not gonna be the first or the last person to say this. I get touchy when it comes to this topic so I'm going to hold back, reason being I don't know you. (But I hope to.! :slight_smile:) So let me say this. Suicide is never the answer. period. Do you perhaps have any close friends or family to talk to?. Because EC will always be here to listen.

    Peace and Love always.

    - H
     
  18. MyLittleWorld

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    Don't even think nobody cares for you, it's not truth. I promise you, your life is worth fighting for.

    I'm about your age, and I have mental problems. People have told me I am a horrible person, that I want attention, that I have to change my thinking. They keep telling me to pull myself together, but it's hard when you feel alone and powerless.

    If you want to see a counselor, just go now, only you know what you need. Try to get help, get help. You can. If they say you are overreacting, find another one, but don't ever give up. Only the strongest people can ask help, because they are not ashamed of themselves. Be strong, but I know you already are. I believe in you, and I know for sure that you will survive this. We will survive this, you are not the only one going through this, remember this.

    I know it's very hard, but TRY as hard as you can, because after this storm, you will have a really amazing future. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Lez34

    Lez34 Guest

    Where are you in canada? Is there a rainbow resource centre where you can get some help or support? If not, I know this might sound ridiculous but have you considered joining a theatre group or somewhere you cAn find other gsy friends?
     
  20. David21201

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    im assuming you dont have your blades at all. Dont kill yourself. There are so many things to look forward to!
    I'm 13 and I've tried to kill myself at least 5 times. Sometimes I'll still get the urges. The only reason why i didnt do it all those times was because I had my 'family' A.K.A. my friends. They are the most supportive people I know.
    Keep living because your soul mate's out there waiting. And just going by your username you like Supernatural... You'll miss the new episode! You wouldnt have people who care about you (thats us ppls on EC) to help you. People would miss you. Don't leave... stay and learn to live through the crap. For every crappy day there will be a good one