I just needed a random rant about life. I don't even know if it will help, but whatever. So, basically, I finally dated someone. For like a week. And then found out that he's a convicted felon and sex offender who's been out of prison for a year. (Also compared all of that to being transgender, saying he didn't have a choice. Which I found slightly insulting, as being transgender is NOTHING like being a sex offender.) So... I dumped him. At the same time all of this was going on, I was PMS-ing. Badly. I reeeeeeally don't react well when my body decides to behave in particularly female ways. So I ended up trying to cut out my uterus to stop having this torture every month, but failed miserably (it will probably barely leave a scar). The next night, I was still feeling atrocious, so I ended up locking myself up in my room and getting drunk. Three times drunker than I thought I was, actually, although I didn't figure that out until the next day. Didn't do anything too weird, besides pretty much drinking myself unconscious, but still... I was raised in a religion where drinking is considered very wrong. Mind you, I stayed in bed until I was sober and didn't do anything bad while I was drunk, but I still know that pretty much everyone I know IRL would kill me if they knew what I'd done. Even weirder, I don't even feel guilty. For a few precious hours, I felt nothing and cared about nothing. I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon, but it was a nice break. And the day after (once the nausea stopped, anyway), I felt happier than I've felt for a long time. Feeling like crap again today, though. Only haven't hurt myself because my roommate has a dog who seems to know that something's wrong and isn't leaving me alone... admittedly, that's probably for the best. Also figuring out that I don't think my anti-depressants are working anymore. Because I'm pretty sure that on anti-depressants, I shouldn't have moments of intense suicidal thinking or self-harm to the point that I actually act on the self-harm mess. Oh, and my dad texted me and told me he's proud of me. And that's the thing I do feel guilty about. Hiding everything that is who I am now from my parents. I know that he would be far from proud if he knew that I'm transgender, that I've hurt myself, that I've gotten drunk, that I'm questioning everything that I was ever taught from a religious point of view. Anyway, sorry, this is long. I just needed to get it out.
-hugs- i hate the menses too and depressions and mood swings and people hurting them selves. can i snuggle you as a friend to make you feel better?
Wow, all I can say is if you are feeling suicidal or homicidal you should go to the hospital immediately. It may be that your antidepressants are not working or that you have built up an immunity to them. It might also be situational with the man that turned out to be less than he implied he was. Going through this is tough, but there is support online. Nothing wrong with a little rant every now and then.
-hugs- Thanks. Haha, if you want to. And Kaiken, definitely not homicidal. Only suicidal-ish. Off and on. Mostly just self-harming at the moment, though. But I'm completely broke, and hospitals are expensive, so I can't do that. Thank you.
hope you feel better soon and all is well I totally understand where you're coming from on the religious parents thing, it sucks I know. just keep trying your best, rant it out hah
Hope all goes well for you, I feel your pain in how being transgender was implied to be a sex crime. It's like how some people argue if they accept gays they'd have to accept pedophilles (Or however it's spelt) and bestiality too. I mean how is being consensually involved with a member of your own species slightly relatable with pedophilia or bestiality. Some humans are really dumb.