Single and not liking it

Okay everyone. Before I continue this will be a bit long lol. I wanted to start going onto websites and sharing some of life with people in hopes of getting advice. So I decided to start here and hopefully I will gain some feedback.

I've been dating women for about 8 years now and it's been a roller coaster to say the least. I decided that I had interest in the same sex at a young age but I didn't know what it was at the time. I would have these strange feelings for girls in elementary school! Lol I didn't quite make sense of it until junior year in high school. It went from being young and having weird feelings, to actually wanting to DO something about it. I didn't actually decide to act on it until I was 18 years old. I am now 26 years old.

My first girl relationship started blissfully. I was 19 and she was only 16 at the time. But I felt a connection with her. Which led to us being together for 2 years. Then on and off for the next 3. In this relationship, I was cheated on for the very first time. And of course I didn't know how to handle it. Prior to her, I only was exclusive with one guy. He was my first, meaning I lost my virginity to him at the age of 16. We were together for 2 and a half years and he was good to me overall. I ended the relationship because I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. I ended it instead of cheating on him. Which I feel in the end it's best to break up with someone then to continue leading them on.

Anyway, my first girl relationship ended due to her I guess being young and not ready and wanting to play the field. I was her first as well as she was mine. I was ready to commit, however. I even agreed to the long term goals. Living together. Marriage. Babies. You name it! I came out to my parents because of her. I was pretty serious. But she however was not. It was my first official heartbreak. And I spent the last 3 years with her playing the ex girlfriend/buddy role and it sucked. Needless to say it ended with her saying she was having a child with another girl. I shake my head. It is what it is.

My next relationship? If you all have stuck with me reading so far I truly appreciate it. The other stuff I mentioned was just an introduction. This is where things get a little "crazy." My second girl relationship started almost immediately after I ended my last. I wasn't with her but I was in limbo in hopes of us getting it together. It never happened. The next girl came into my life. Through social networks. Oh and I have to mention that the majority of my relationships and flings were internet connected. This girl swept me off my feet before I even met her. I declared her my girlfriend before I meeting her. She was everything I ever wanted. A princess charming it seemed!! But as the saying goes "what always glitters, isn't gold." I found this out the absolute hardest way. I was her first girlfriend also. She just started talking to other girls only a year before being with me. I became her first everything. Okay. That's fine. I thought maybe it would be as perfect as it felt. Only 3 months into the relationship and I see her flirting with other girls in her cell phone.

Everyone has their feelings about this. Mine stands that if a person isn't trying to hide something from their partner, the cell phone and Internet is never an issue. I've never been the type to keep my phone so private. But I've been with people who felt the need to do so. And she was the worst of them all. I spent the next 3 months battling her about it. I loved her so much that I didn't want to believe she was this way. This person that I was starting not to trust anymore. It was the summer of 2013. I was working for a company for a total of 2 and a half years and they let me go in June. I was depressed. Lost. I felt as though she was a strong influence because I lived in central New Jersey. She lived in Bronx New York. Quite a distance. One that I traveled every weekend I had off to see her. And as a result I took days off just to stay on a Monday with her. I came to work late traveling back from the Bronx just being WITH HER. Granted I shouldn't blame but she didn't help. I worked very hard and the job became very frustrating but it was my job and my only means to make money. And she knew that. But she didn't care. Her focus was on her phone.

June 13th 2013 I got into a car accident. She was driving. I was signed up under a car rental service called zipcar. We were going everywhere together. While I work, she barely worked doing odd jobs as a home health aid. Then being on hiatus for months. I was basically the bread winner. I saw to it that she got her rent paid, phone bill paid, and I made sure she had food in the apartment she shared with her extremely difficult uncles. Her household was so drama filled but I was there because why? I loved her and I wanted to be there for her and support HER. But where was my support when I asked her to stop with the social networks and cell phone abuse?

The accident ultimately became the reason why the rental company made me liable because she was driving and wasn't covered to and only had a permit. They wanted me to pay over $8,000 in damages to the vehicle. Why? Because SHE drove. She was under the influence too. I'm glad to be alive to even tell this story but is is downright shameful. I was "laid off" from my job. They felt I took too many days off. The accident left me extremely sore and doctor's orders from the hospital were to stay home and rest. All of this and my birthday was that week on the 20th. They let me go on the 16th. I was at her house at the time my boss called and told me the news. I never went back home after that. I practically moved in with her for over a month straight. This was the true test of the relationship and we both failed. The cell phone situation became violent. We started putting hands on each other. It became what consumed our relationship. Me worrying about who she talked to in those phones. And the disrespect I felt over all of it. I lost it. This couldn't be the same girl that I fell so deeply in love with. Long story short it escalated over the time of me staying there. I ended up going back home in August. At the end of August, was the beginning of the biggest heartache of my life and I didn't even know it yet.

My "girlfriend" met this female online and started having her come over and staying the night when I went back home to NJ. I didn't want to believe it was more but I was already not trusting her at this point. A woman's intuition never lies and mine was SCREAMING cheating at this point. It was true. So true that in October the girl wanted to tell me TO MY FACE in person that she was the other girl. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, shot with a shotgun, thrown out of the 14th floor window of her apartment, then ran over with a tractor trailer!! I was HURT! She made another girl her girlfriend while I still was there putting up with her and becoming extremely stressed out because of it.

I believed all the lies. I believed that she would change. I believed those fraudulent tears that poured out of her deceiving eyes when she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me only. I've never in my life experienced this and didn't know how to take it. I'm one of the good girls. And she was turning me into a person I didn't know. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was always angry, abusive, upset, every negative emotion there was. I continued to live in this lie of relationship until it became unbearable. It officially ended March of this year. Before that happened she threatened to kill me, left me 50 voicemails and called me constantly because I told her supposed best friend something that she should have told her.

She said she hated me. Wanted to kill me. Wished death on me. She said it ALL. I became so afraid I wanted to go to the cops. But her "best friend" comforted me and told me that she was being a psycho and she didn't mean it all. The official breakup happened because she and I got into the worse of the worse fights we've ever had. She threatened me with a gun and knife, choked me, and threw a wall mirror at me. I had no money to my name because i as usual spend all of my money every time I came there. I called the cops and had the escort me out of the building. Her supposed " best friend" gave me $20 so I could get home. And I will forever be thankful she did that had she not I probably would've stayed and dealt with her.

So now I'm single again. I've been single since everything. But guess what? I've gotten very close with her best friend. So close that I want to make her my girlfriend!! I've gotten to know her so well over the past year and she's done nothing but help me through all of this that I couldn't help but get my feelings involved. That's just me. That's what I do. My feelings always come into effect. But I'm trying to hold back. It's not because of who she used to be. It's because I feels he isn't ready anyway and I'm afraid to ruin the friendship by asking her if we could take it further.

(Sighs) girls? This is the short version of my life lol! But if you all have any questions please ask and I'll give further details about anything. I'm single an I'm not enjoying it. For the first time I'm not out there playing the field. I'm just by myself. And it's because of this girl. I don't know what to do and I feel like my heart it's just suffering quietly. I want to be in love again. I want to be with someone who treats me right. And at this point I'm not even sure if it should even be another girl. And if it is? I want it to be her. Nobody else. And that sucks.


Well I'll end it here. This is my life in a nutshell for the past 8 years. Feel free to comment. I really need advice