Finally opening my heart, but now I have to hold it shut?

(Longish incoherent blog/rant/question/chat/thing)

SO all my life I've been pretty shy.
Words like introvert, insecure, irrational, quiet, ashamed, and lazy would seem to describe me a lot. Although I think it is more of an outside appearance thing.

I have also been called: Charismatic, hilarious, adorable, chatty, brave, strong, loud, bubbly, sarcastic, eccentric, outgoing, and smart.

It seems strange that I would almost possess what often feels like two opposite qualities, but maybe some of it is from presenting a facade and some is how I really am. Perhaps it's situational, or subjective to various stimuli.

Regardless, I've found as I have grown to accept myself and the world for what it is; the easier it is to share my inner most thoughts and feelings. I feel like I can show people my heart more.

Okay okay it sounds kinda cheesy and whatnot, but it's still true and strange for me.

All my life I had to bottle everything up, put up a tough front no pity parties, and as a result I didn't know how to deal with some basic emotions or experiences. I feel like I went from kid to adult, to older adult, to going back to teenager to fix what went wrong and then tack that life experience back into the main train line.

Since I had always wanted to be a girl, I felt uncomfortable when anything gender or relationship focused came up.


My parents would ask or tease me if there was anyone I liked but I didn't want to share or talk about it. I felt shy, embarrassed, and confused. They started to wonder why their baby boy wasn't interested in any girls, and even though they knew I am picky and want to be with someone for the long term not short term; they began to suspect my orientation. Of course no one in our family talks about anything ever, so it never got resolved or talked about (My father suspected for 7 years and never told me..?) but now my life is at what feels like the lynchpin of it all.


I'm about to transition into being female full time. I live at home with trans-phobic parents who also do not support being LGBT. So I plan to move out to make it easier on them, but they'll have to accept my choice regardless of whether they want to or not.


I met a boy. It's the first time I've had a real boy crush, besides tiny little daydream ones. It's like, I actually would be interested in spending time with him, I want to look pretty for him, I want to impress him, I just want to get to know him. More than anyone in my entire life, and even though that list is short it feels big now.

Like, I can look at certain guys/girls and get that mini butterfly effect, but with this guy I just want to stare into his eyes and stuff.

So I'm happy! I'm happy for myself! I mean who knows if it will ever go anywhere, but I've finally felt a /real/ crush. That silly thing all the kids in jr.high and highschool talked about finally makes sense. I mean past the odd fantasy or the like. I view myself as a prude or someone who is more reserved to promiscuity and is not easily swooned; I want to be a classy lady.

But now that I have this feeling... I want to talk about it!

I want to go up to my brother(best friend) and talk to him about it (I texted him but idk how he feels about me gushing about a boy xD). I want to tell my sister (she's kinda so-so on the lgbt thing, she'd be happy for me but feel awkward) and talk about boys.
I want to ask my mom questions and let her know... My dad is a lost cause entirely, but I would like to tell him if I ever had a bf/gf SOMEtime before the marriage..

It's mostly my mom I want to talk with. She made it clear that she does not want to talk about my sexuality or anything (She is upset I am bi, ideally I would marry a girl to her, ideally I want to marry a guy. She loves me but finds it hard to support my trans identity to the point where I don't wear makeup out of respect of upsetting her).
I want to have a mother daughter experience... Then if the relationship goes bad I want to cry in her arms and tell her how dumb boys are Dx

I mean again this guy and I will likely never go anywhere, but I just want to talk SO bad... Tired of her and others asking how my day is and at their requests and for the sake of simplicity I say "Okay".

Don't they realize it's not okay? It could be good okay or bad okay! I'm alive, so yeah I'm okay T_T. I could be missing limbs, or living in much worse conditions with even less to call my own but here I am alive and well.

I just am finally getting to the point where I can live that normal girl life I've always cried over but the one place where it hurts the most is the same place I can't share it with.

I just have a scary suspicion I'll be a blushing bride in my beautiful wedding gown before they blink their eyes and see the beautiful life their daughter worked so hard to finally get. I WANT my parents to proudly walk me down the aisle whilst my husband takes me for the first time later in the evening :3
I can't /not/ invite my parents... they're my parents! I just want to honour them but it feels so hard, I'm not perfect and they love and support me but it just... really sucks.



But anyways yeah. My mom knows I've been happier lately, it just sucks that I can not talk to her about it. I don't know what to do how to feel or how I feel about what I have to do.

It'd also be nice not to have these issues when trying to court my potential future husband >> ...