Firstly, I should really be talking to a therapist but I can't afford one so therefore I'm heaping my emotions on you guys (sorry)! I am 100% gay (male) and there is not even a shred of bisexuality in me. However, I am repeatedly confused about what I want and always fall for the wrong men. I was so obsessed with a guy when i was 15 that the fact that I had realized I was gay was a miniscule issue and honestly something I never struggled with. Anyway, this obsession went on for 2 years, I became a very good friend of his, cried about it all the time and literally felt like I was in turmoil. I drank A LOT and was generally not a very stable person because i was so in love with him. He was in my class so I could not escape these feelings. I eventually told him and everything changed overnight, we hardly ever spoke. That was soul-crushing to the point my parents checked me into a clinic, long story I won't get into. My dad is an alcoholic and while he is not a bad man, he is very backwards and hates gays etc. I have come out to him once or twice but honestly cannot remember much of either occassion, but it's like he doesnt acknowledge it and just doesnt want to know. I know for certain it bothers him. After my first big crush, I have had strong feelings for countless guys, but every time the pairing is just not right. They are either straight, involved with someone else, not interested in me at all or just so different to me that I know it would never work. My only sexual experience was at a nightclub one night where i ran into a guy I knew. I gave him head in a toilet stall, we didnt even kiss, and the whole experience was just so horrible because I was drunk and so was he and he literally just got up and left and never spoke to me again until briefly the following week when I publically verbally attacked him at another nightclub. I still lurk his facebook every day and this all happened 3 years ago. I have bouts of the most insane longing and yearning for guys I fall for. There have been around 8 guys I have genuinely cried over or thought about for a long period of time. Calling them my big 'loves' is insulting to people who are really in love, particularly because none of them liked me back. At the moment I am having confusing thoughts about my friends boy friend, they are both gay. Again, it could never work. I see them together all the time and my heart just sinks when I see them kissing or at the thought of him sleeping with him. Its just this horrible feeling like I am going to get sick and I cry a lot and just am not myself, can't focus on anything else etc. Speaking to other people, I realise its quite common to feel this way but I cant handle when it happens to me. I am so much happier when there is no guy in my life that I like. The main factor in this is that I have 0% interest in anal sex. I don't want to give or receive, its as simple as that really. I just don't want to do it, but at the same time I am a 21 year old virgin and its starting to feel pathetic. I hate the fact that people might pity me for this when sex is so personal. They think I'm just desperate or unloveable. Then I wonder if I actually am? I don't know if i ever want to fall in love because love to me equals heartache, every single time. Even if I was with a guy and everything was great I would drive myself crazy thinking they are going to leave me or run off with somebody else etc. My fantasies tend to just include very heavy petting, kissing, passionate stuff, music and other sexual activity etc, never the actual act of intercouse. These fantasies always make me yearn for a boyfriend, but I feel like it just wont happen simply because I'm not very attractive and cant get that lucky, which sucks because when i think of the future I picture myself deeply in love with a man and having kids through adoption or surrogacy etc but this whole picturesque image is slipping further and further away because I just dont think its going to happen for me and I just get so overwhelmed. Often I don't dwell on the whole 'dying alone' thing but this is simply because for me it really is a huge possibility. No guy has ever shown interest in me. I have never been chat up at a bar etc, no one replies to me on ****** etc, that one guy was so drunk and horny that I may as well have been a blow up doll so it doesnt even count. Plus, my life is so stressful anyway due to my alco dad, my infant brother and my perpetually stressed out mom. We're on the broke side and seem to live lives that constantly get sh!t on by one thing or another, whether it be death, problems with the house such as leaks etc, illnesses, money woes blah blah blah. Often I think how I could actually manage to squeeze in a lovelife simply because I have to much stuff to focus on as it is and i want to really immerse myself in it if I actually do find love, but the love I want I dont think really exists. Im a very deep, emotional and passionate person so i hate the current dating climate with all its mind games, inane texting, bed-hopping 'I dont really care about you' culture. So, rant over. I am sorry for the crippling venting. Any advice in any shape or form would be lovely, I think I need a reminder that I'm being a bit crazy and need to calm down.
This is how I feel about crushes a lot of the time, so you're not alone... I hope things get better for you (*hug*)
Yah trust me.. I know how it feels with crushes like this. It's intense feelings. I get it. But you have to focus on people that you can actually go after. It's hard I know cuz you don't know if there are others you can fall for, but you will and it will be okay.
This sounds like you might have co-dependency issues. This isn't a bad thing, but you can only think of yourself as complete with someone else in the picture. If you want my advice, find someone that loves you and learn to love them. But also be ok with being alone. I know, being alone sucks, I know better than most, but depending on another person to make you happy is a recipe for disaster. You are not alone in this.
I think you're just falling for the wrong guys. Take your time to get to know someone, take things slow; you never know what kind of surprises will be in store for you. It'll hurt to let yourself get attached to the wrong guys, which I think is mainly the problem. Just take a break for a while and learn to love yourself before you go searching again. And honestly if you don't like anal sex, you don't ever need to do it. There are a LOT of gay guys who don't like it. You've given head so you don't need to consider yourself a 'virgin'- It's still a form of sex that many guys enjoy (and yes it still counts as a loss of virginity even if your pants never came off). Besides, even if you have anal sex at least 70% of heterosexual people will think you're still a virgin anyway, so what it does it matter what people think?
