It's been a few months now since my partner passed away. Everyone says how well I'm doing, my friends, family, and coworkers, but the truth is I'm completely numb. I really hate talking about things, but here goes nothing: The day after he passed is the last time I allowed myself to cry over his loss. It may sound unhealthy, but I told myself that I only had me to look after myself, there's no Dan to catch you when you fall. So up went the walls. Even after releasing his ashes I told myself not to cry and to remember the good times and continue to live. Fade out, fade in, I'm trying to make new friends that are gay, I've even hung out with a few of them and made it clear, point-blank, that I only wanted friendship. I was not interested in a relationship because I'm not ready for one. After that, it's usually the last I hear from them. None of them propositioned me for sex, but I think they were hoping to enter a relationship. I was not. Now I'm feeling rejected, slightly ugly, and very alone. I have friends, mostly straight, and its cool to hang out with them, but they don't understand what I'm going through. The most they ever lost was a grandma. It's hard enough talking about it as it is, but how do explain what blue is to a person who's colorblind without using the word blue? To top it off, one of my co-workers that was out on an extended vacation asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding band, and the wounds opened right back up. She apologized and meant it, but it was done. And here come the holidays, so yeah, I'm a little numb and maybe even a little cold to people for now. It is what it is. No, I'm not suicidal or really depressed, it just comes in waves.
I'm very sorry to hear about your partner. A very dear friend of mine is going through exactly the same thing as you are right now. I wish I could give you advice to make things better, but honestly I can't. What you're going through is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to someone in their lifetime. It's going to take time to heal those wounds. A few months, sadly, is nothing. Things will get better, but remember to be patient with yourself. You will get through this.
Thanks Spartan 117. I know it will take time and there's nothing that can be said. It is what it is. I just get tired of having to put on the "strong" face for everyone. They all say I'm being brave, but the truth of the matter is that I just know how to act and what to say. I'm trying to move on and make new friends, but I've been hitting roadblocks.
I don't know if this might help a little but I'll tell you about it so you can decide. In the Jewish tradition, when somebody dies, following the funeral, the mourners and friends "sit shiva". (Shiva = 7, same root as sabbath). That is, they gather for seven days in a row and hold a small service and simply be around eachother. You don't even have to pay attention to or say the ritual prayers and blessings to benefit. By the end of the week you feel calmer and maybe have your equilibrium back. I wonder if you set yourself 7 evenings in a row to follow a small ritual of your choosing and see if it helps ease you from mourning to mourning less. If you have friends to join you - great. If not, it works even if you do it by yourself.
Kaiden, why do you feel you need to put on a strong face? Mourning is a time to express your feelings and release your emotions. Holding it in and showing others your brave is admirable, but is that really helping yourself? When I went through a recent mourning period, I let myself cry. I did so for a few days. Until one day, I could not cry any further. It was very soothing.
Kaiken, I have never lost a partner (not through bereavement anyway) but I have experienced the loss of two very special people who I loved and totally adored. My Mother died 11 years ago and my younger and only Sister died 7 years ago. I'm not going to say I understand your feelings of grief in detail (I would never patronise you like that), but I do get what you mean when you talk about the "waves".. in fact, there are days when it's like the ****** tide. Talking about it all is incredibly hard and I found it was actually harder to talk to my closest family/friends. It was clear that they couldn't handle my pain. It was hurting them to listen to it and they just wanted to stick a plaster over the deep wounds, so I stopped talking for quite a while. I decided to suck it up and be strong. Big mistake! In the end I did open up (because I had to) to a relative stranger who listened and let me be and it was such a relief. No platitudes, no false promises, no silly comments or sticking plasters, but I did get to say what I really felt. I was able to say how I felt cheated and angry. I was able to swear and shout and vent about all of the other painful feelings and it helped. So, yes, you probably do need an outlet for Dan and maybe writing about it through the anonymity of this forum is a way for you? I don't know, but I do recommend you try. That's not to say it will stop overnight, because it definitely won't. The waves will continue to ebb and flow, but over time, with reducing frequency. That's the aim and when it happens you may be able to live more fully and maybe begin to consider loving again... as Dan would wish for you??? If you'd like to say anything through my wall, you're more than welcome. (*hug*)
Thank you everyone. Really, for the first week I talked to Dan's ashes and told him my favorite stories and memories before I released him. I felt like a nutcase, but it did help some. I've tried to let myself cry, but I can't bring or force the tears. There are times that I find myself hating Dan for the situation and difficult position he put me in. I was his power of attorney and he didn't want life support so I had to be the one to tell the nurses to just let him go peacefully. I hate him for that but he knew he could trust me to carry it out.
Kaiken, I have never gone through the grief of losing a partner so I won't be able to fully understand what you are going through. I think it's natural to have the feelings that you do for the situation that you're in. My advice would be try not to suppress mourning and don't feel that you have to put up a brave front for anyone. If you need to let all out to someone then do it. If you feel you can't do that perhaps writing about it and discussing it on here could help? I really hope you begin to start feeling less numb with time.
