Hello, I am 26, gay and out with my direct family, but not friends of colleagues, housemate. I came out to my parents last year, and my sister the year before. I have been diagnosed with a brain tumour earlier this year, however the biological effects have been present for many years, causing low sexual interest, weight gain, gynecomastia, and depression, low self-esteem, etc. I've know I was gay since I was quite young but never confident enough to say or do anything, I feel much relief to be free of the pressures of telling my family, but I still feel like I am hiding from everyone else. I also am quite fearful of the community because of the stereotypes, all I really want is a loving relationship, I feel so naive however. I feel like between the pressures of coming out, and this tumour, I have missed some of the best years of my life and I am now being treated for my tumour and taking medicine to correct the hormone imbalances which is helping with my sexual interest, however I still feel horrible about my body image being over weight etc and I don't really know how to move on, I feel like a child, I've been stuck in this life for so long I've never kissed anyone properly let alone had sex or a relationship more than a friendship. It feels good to put it out there, but I don't know what to do. Thanks
There is NOTHING naïve about wanting a loving relationship. I am sorry to hear about your condition. Don't worry about the stereotypes. They exist with everyone and everyone likes to try to classify each other and pigeon-hole them. Some gay men are only interested in sex the same way that some heterosexual men are only interested in sex. I'm not sure if this has helped or not but let me know. Here's to hoping that things get better.
I just feel so lost like the big deal was coming out and now I don't know where to go next. I'm going to end up a crazy old cat man on my own I fear.
I think every gay man has that fear. There are less of us so the pickings are slimmer. Keep yourself open to people and there is no need to become an old cat man. If it makes you feel any better I have that same fear. I was in a loving relationship with my partner Dan for four years until he passed away. I'm just now putting my life back in order but I do worry that I will not find anyone like Dan again. Everyone has those fears. I just try to be open and willing to make friends but not to force it.
I guess, but I really don't know how thats going to change, I don't know anyone gay and rarely even come into contact with people that are gay. I know there are people that obviously I don't know about but still, I just feel hopeless.
Knox, a few questions to help put a frame around things: How old are you? What type of town/area do you live in? Are you comfortable with using online dating resources?
I am 26 Living in London, UK. Not sure, kinda still half out the closet as it were, out with family not friends but haven't got the awkwardness of having lied / concealed my sexuality, but just not talked about it at all. ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2014 at 07:57 PM ---------- Funny I wrote an email today in response to someone talking about Dyslexia and I wrote how I am proud to be Dyslexic and I think it's great, blah blah. open, blah. However while I am happy being Gay, I am not comfortable being open about it. Not sure why, I think in part because of my confidence, or lack there of, and my body image.
Hello again Klix. I have been diagnosed with Dyslexia and I am a gay man so I can identify with this. I'm actually more shy about my dyslexia, which I've known about for years, than I am about being gay. It's embarrassing when I invert letters in a sentence. Typing classes were always a pain too where accuracy was needed. Being openly gay can be difficult and sometimes I still feel strange about it. I wan't abused or beaten up for being gay or anything but I was teased and sometimes when I am out in public with a man I sometimes have that fear that I had in high school, that I'll have to ignore the jeers and the rude names that people call me. Sometimes I don't feel like ignoring the names, sometimes I feel like pounding the snot out of them. Its hard to build confidence in your body, I won't lie, but maybe the first step to being comfortable with your sexuality is to be comfortable in your own body. Please note that the next part is not me being mean but just stating what I did to improve my own self-worth. The first step to improving your body image is to do something about it. If you feel overweight maybe consider joining a gym and losing weight. If you feel that you have rough skin try proactive or something else to reduce break outs. If you feel that no one loves you then write yourself a letter stating why you are a catch for any man. Hope this helps.
Thanks Kaiken, last year I started loosing weight, and was actually doing really well, before I got a letter from the NHS out of the blue telling me I had this brain tumor. It completely threw me, I went from feeling amazing about coming out to my parents and starting to make a change in my health to being told I had something, which at the time I thought was like a death sentence. Obviously that threw my health plans out the window, and I sit hear a year later finally ready to start again, off to a bit of a rough start, but I am trying, and I also now know the side effects of this tumor has affected my weight, through the low hormone levels causing depression and gynecomastia and also the weight gain effects of the hormone levels too. I am now on replacement hormones whilst they shrink the tumor, and I am trying my diet again, but it's going to be a long and slow process. I feel like the next step might also be to talk to close friends at some point, so I feel less like I am still in the closet, I've never lied to them, and we've never talked much about girls or otherwise, so like my family I suspect they know something, but I would like to get it out of my system. Similarly my housemate who happens to be gay which makes things a million times easier is probably aware. Feels like everything become a mess, and I've lost out a lot of time, I was home alone the other day and watched G.B.F. on Netflix and as nonsense as those films are, I wish I had, had the confidence to come out at school, rather than letting everything get to me. Anyways. Also wondering if there are any groups where people can just talk to others, like at Uni we had an LGBT society. Kaiken, with Dyslexia, rather thank thinking of it as a negative thing, think of it as a positive, for me, I would't be the person I am, working in the creative industries without it, I have no doubt it has improved aspects of my abilities that I use every day. One of my favourite actors is Whoopie Goldberg, she's dyslexic. Robin Williams was, Edison (lightbulb), Richard Branson (Virgin), Leonardo da Vinci, Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell (Telephone), Henry Ford, etc.. so many of our brightest minds were or are Dyslexic and thats frankly no co-incidence.
Thanks Klix. Yes, it defiantly sounds like you've been going through a lot and you sound like a very strong person for managing to fight through it. If you even need to talk there are plenty of people online who are willing to listen, me included, and though we can't understand everything that you've been through, we can at least be a sounding board. I really hope that things get better for you. Supportive friends can make all the difference.
Thanks. I feel like I wana come out to friends but it's awkward knowing them for so long and not having told them or brought it up etc.. Also I kinda wonder why o am telling them as it's not like they need to know this, dunno.... Thoughts?
I really sir hope you find love. I think it's important to come out to everyone, you live in the U.K. it's much easier to just come out to all. Yes your sexuality is your private thing but unless you put it out there so everyone knows you'll be assumed you're "straight" which could make meeting other gay guys a bit harder than it has to be. Best of luck to you and wishing you a full recovery.
I'm so sorry. I've heard it's always better to come out. You are already brave for fighting a tumor, maybe give yourself a break. Maybe plan a time when you will definitely come out so that you can stop worrrying about it in the meantime.
Being 27 I just feel like I want to push myself, I am happy talking about my Dyslexia which as above you can see some people find embarrassing, while I haven't had any relationships etc. because I have hidden. Some of that can be attributed to the tumor affecting my hormones but also lack of confidence. How do you think I could bring this up with friends?
I've been feeling really depressed recently, I feel helpless and find it difficult to do basic things like looking after my life cooking, etc... I go from feeling down sometimes to almost breaking down in tears on the bus home or at work. I have asked my GP to see a councillor and had an assessment where I was offered counselling and/or CBT. I've started the counselling, for the first time I told someone face to face about all my issues. It was a good feeling but I feel pretty low again. I recently made friends with a girl about my age studying her PhD, we've talked a lot and seem to have some things we can relate to. The other night we were at an opening night event and she was pretty drunk. She pointed out some guy she thought was hot, and I quietly and awkwardly said yeah. Nothing came of it. It made me feel uncomfortable because I did what I always do which is hold back my true feelings to hide my sexuality. I was extremely annoyed with myself. That evening after she'd left we talked a lot over text, she went to bed and I sent her a text can I ask you something? Next morning she said yes, I then said are we good friends? Worried she confirmed and asked me if I was... I explained that last night made me uncomfortable and I wanted to just be myself. I told her I thought the guy was super hot guy, and that he came over to talk to me about something we'd worked on together and I literally forgot what I was saying mid-sentence because I was distracted checking him out. She admitted a similar incident that night. It's been a great boost for me, I realised that it is really difficult to tell people who you've lived a lie with about your true feelings, I've known her since last summer and this made it easier. It was a great feeling but it hasn't really helped with my overall depression, and more I am starting to realise that this is probably more of an issue about my body image. The tumour I mentioned has caused gynecomastia which has made me not feel like a man, I feel so unhappy about it, I've been physically assaulted in the past by random people grabbing me, and had to deal with random insults or comments. I feel like I can relate to how someone with gender dysphoria must feel. Regrettably I have become very overweight over the years, possibly as part or the hormone imbalances from the tumour but primarily from comfort eating. I feel like loosing weight and having surgery are an answer to my issues, but I have tried and had some success but as soon as my mood gets worse like it is now I turn back to comfort eating and regain the weight. I don't know what to do.
Sometimes we just need to be patient and move forward one step at a time. You seem to be making great strides with that regard. It's great that you found a friend that you can talk to and that you started therapy. One thing I've learned in life is that it is never too late to change your life around. Here I am at 34 and just now starting to come out of my shell. I had cancer at a young age and I was also severely limited by GID and attention problems, so for years I just looked forward to tomorrow hoping that I would be able to start living my life. As time passed, everything has become easier. I slowly opened up and overcame my shyness and also learned to accept my disability and my past. Until I was 25 or so, I was completely trapped, alone and lost. What helped me at the time was to start going to therapy, writing and reading self help books. Despite this, I did struggle because I didn't know that I was trans until only recently. However, from this point forward I was able to continually expand my perspective and I learned to find the positive in the toughest of situations. You live in a city that is very open to LGBT people and there are a large amount of community centers and support groups that you can attend to find friends and people you can talk to. I'm not sure if your tumor is malignant but it might also help you go to a cancer support group or one that deals with body image or weight problems. Finding others that you can relate to can be extremely helpful if you are able to cope with the initial feeling of being an outside to the group. If you do do go, accept the fact that you might find it hard to connect to people over the first few sessions but every time you go, you will feel a bit more at ease and eventually you will feel accepted and feel as if you belong. Do you need help in finding websites that link to such groups? From a quick search here's a London based gay and lesbian association with quite a few links: Gay and Lesbian Associations in London - AngloINFO London, in London (United Kingdom) Much hugs, (*hug*) Yael
Thanks Yaeli. I think it's a issue with confidence/self esteem and body image, I am really uncomfortable with my body since I have been bullied for years about it and physically assaulted in the past too.
Life sucks at the moment, I barely have a job... I am constantly tired... Lonely and thanks to the medication... Horny as hell. I hate my body, and I've lost weight, but not enough to feel that I am any better... I feel like a 27yo teenager going through puberty... I really want to start making friends with other gay guys not necessarily for a relationship, but just so I have someone I have something in common with... I feel like life is going from meh to depressed and back to meh again.
